Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie Were Doomed From the Start


July 2, 2002 -- The price of orange juice in New York City shocks me (upward of five bucks for a half-gallon). When I read that Daryl Hannah has taken up with David Blaine? Shockeroo. But when I hear things aren't working out with Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton, I'm NOT surprised.

According to an US Weekly story, the gruesome twosome have only been in each other's odd company three times in four months. Could it be the vials of blood worn around their necks have turned bad? Quite possibly, since according to the mag neither has been photographed wearing the vials for quite some time. (If it were me, I'd be far more inclined to return the blood than the ring!)

We certainly should've seen this coming like an arrow aimed at our foreheads. It was just so crazy from the get-go. Yet a while there, it actually started to make sense. I thought maybe this was New Age love and I was just being cynical.

It was a whirlwind romance to begin with as Thornton, married four times, dropped longtime (for him, at least) love Laura Dern like a hot potato and took up with the puffy-lipped Jolie virtually overnight. The age difference was a definite flag, but the two cooed about each other like they'd found the best thing since sliced bread.

There were the exceedingly unusual signs of undying affection: the public pawing, the tattoos, the aforementioned vials of blood, the open admission that their lovemaking required a padded room for safety, and the gifts of his-and-her grave plots. As ill-suited as they seemed, after hearing of all this rigmarole, I really felt they were better suited than not. As a matter of fact, with their penchant for the peculiar, it was kind of safer that the two were with each other than out there hunting down other love prospects.

Truthfully though, upon further investigation, how long could that insane lovin' last?

As with most celebs, they both have careers that take them to different places. Unlike most celebs, they traded blood. Once you trade blood, having surely swapped all other secretions, you've hit the liquid wall. It's all downhill in that department, I guess. There are only so many ways to make love, double-jointed or not, and if you get the padded room that early on, you're bound to run outta steam. The high-strung behavior also has to get tiring at some point.

So, out of boredom or a calling or what have you, Jolie positions herself to be the mother of an 11-month-old Cambodian baby and a volunteer for the United Nations in refugee camps. Billy Bob tours Europe as a singer. The tides change and so does the relationship, undoubtedly.

I suppose we'll hear a "yea" or "nay" soon as to whether they're sticking it out or de-transfusing from each other. I'm guessing they don't salvage it. And when they do move on to other respective partners, it's going to be hard for them to top their outlandish behavior during this marriage. Of course, I'm sure we'll all have one eye open to see what they have in store — only this time maybe not with as much interest.

Houdini and the Has-Been

So, as I said, not surprised about Jolie and Thornton. You could've knocked me over with a feather though (now THAT would be a shock) when I heard about the David Blaine and Daryl Hannah coupling.

He's 29 and she's 41. He's a magician (and I use that term loosely) and she's a has-been. Perhaps she's using her feminine charms to lure him in and get him to magically make a career appear for her. Perhaps he's got her under a spell so she can't see that he always looks dirty and spends his free time either buried, frozen or standing in a trance.

They were seen vacationing together in Paris. Think she's helping him scout tricks to be done on the Eiffel Tower? Think he's escorting her on location because she's been hired to do the French-language version of Splash?

Just what the heck is that all about? If those two end up getting married, I'll drink Angelina and Billy Bob's blood!

A Temper Tatum

And speaking of blood? It seems Tatum O'Neal has got nothing but the bad stuff when it comes to her ex, John McEnroe.

Not that ANYONE cares about any of this, but Tatum O'Neal accusing John McEnroe of having a bad temper?! Is that really newsworthy? Could we not see that Johnny Boy was a little hot under the collar when he used to miss a shot and practically turn his tennis racket into a pretzel? And to try and destroy his reputation as a great tennis player by accusing him of taking steroids while on the professional circuit? What's up with that?!

If he did take steroids, it certainly would explain the hostility. What I can't believe about the accusation is that anyone could be that damn skinny while using steroids. The guy made drinking straws look fat.

And, I'm sorry, but why should we listen to Tatum O'Neal, who by her own admission has only been drug-free for three months after years of abuse?! Shouldn't she have a little more time under her belt before she decides to lash out at her ex-husband? Let's also mention that her ex has custody of her children because a judge ruled her incompetent. And yes, his book may have made some references to Tatum's ill behavior, but it's public knowledge that she was a drug addict, so it's not a shock nor is it a revelation to read negative things about Tatum.

This tit-for-tat (or should I say tit-for-Tatum?) thing is really dumb. She should concentrate on staying sober and restructuring her career. After all, she won an Oscar at the age of 10. That talent doesn't just disappear. He should continue being a commentator and stay FAR AWAY from the game-show host arena.

And if this all seems a waste of time and the topics futile, it is, and they are.

It's also one of the many things I celebrate when we celebrate Independence Day. I am afforded the opportunity to write such gibberish on occasion and you are privy to read it if you choose to.

Bottom line, it's all about the fireworks. The ones we make and the ones we get to watch.

Stars and stripes and starlets?

An enjoyable and safe holiday to you all.

Heidi Oringer is director of entertainment programming at ABCNEWS Radio.

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