Showbiz Commentary: Heidi Oringer

We’re winding down the holiday season and my wish is that everyone is thriving, or at least surviving.

When I say “everyone,” I am speaking directly to my fellow Average Joes, whose holiday celebrations could not possibly compare with those of the Hollywood sect. I say this having never been invited to Christmas at a celeb’s home, although I’m sure my invite from Sly Stallone to his Miami compound just got lost in the mail.

Where the Tinsel Is Shinier …

So, I spent the day as many fortunate people did, with family (OK, not always a “fortunate” way to spend holidays) and friends. Too much food was consumed, too many gifts received from the recycling closet. (You know, the gifts you get and keep until they’re outdated then give them to someone else when you need a gift in a hurry.)

Also on the agenda: all-sports television, the 807th showing of It’s A Wonderful Life, children’s toys with migraine-causing noises, another slice of the pie you should have passed up the first time around, and finally uncomfortable slumber because you’ve been put in your cousin’s bed, only he’s 4 and you’re 34.

But what’s happening where the tinsel is shinier, the grass faker, and the silicone more abundant? What was Christmas like in Hollywood?

For instance, did Kelsey Grammer get packaged men’s pajamas in an XXL only to have to stand in line the day after at an exchange counter at Wal-Mart? Did Alec Baldwin smile with glee when he got the High Karate cologne and soap-on-a-rope gift set in his stocking? Did Julia Roberts get her finger pinched shut in her niece’s new Barbie scooter? And did Elizabeth Taylor burn the crescent rolls?

Me thinketh not!

Truth is … I can’t tell you how anyone in Hollywood spent the Christmas holidays and the days following. (Remember … my invite got lost in the mail!) I heard tidbits … the younger set, i.e., the boys from ’N Sync and Haley Joel Osment, were tucked safely away with their families. And I’m sure a lot of the Hollywood greats were with kin, but I’d bet their celebrations went something along the lines of: “Cartier! Oh, you shouldn’t have!” and “Felicia, can you bring out another tray of paté for our guests?”

And Madonna? After marrying Guy Ritchie in a secretive ceremony in the Scottish Highlands, how did she spend the day? Did she have a hard time differentiating between the wedding gifts and her Christmas gifts? Did she go to Guy’s family’s house for haggis and potatoes? Did she and Guy really spend their time with Sting and Trudie Styler, and did they all romp around unbathed and in mismatched sweats? Was there even a tree in the castle, or is the wait staff allergic to pine?

January Bloat in CelebvilleUnless these people ’fess up, there’s no way to know how their holidays really go down. One can only speculate that their goings-on are perhaps far more grandiose than those of us who spend the days after Christmas figuring out how we’ll pay for the gifts we gave and how we’ll get five pounds off in three days, since that’s how long it took to put them on.

And if they’d like to prove to the rest of us that all celebrities don’t live the glorious Life of Riley, then let us see at least a few of them look bloated in January. Certainly, someone in celebville, besides Oprah, indulged in holiday sweets and is now figuring out how to fit a second chin into their cashmere turtleneck sweaters!

Or show us Meg Ryan proudly wearing pre-packed aqua blue mittens with matching hat and scarf received from a son who thought the set was ideal for her. Show me Susan Sarandon wearing bangle bracelets that are turning her skin green because they are only dipped in fake silver, not even plated.

I doubt we’ll see any of those things in the weeks or even years to come, but let’s just hope that however they celebrated their holidays, it was with as much love and good wishes as the rest of us share each day …

OK, these sentiments are making me sick as well.

I’m glad I spent my time off with those nearest and dearest to me and could once again share in the joys and atrocities of the holidays. I, personally, wouldn’t trade it for any celebrity party anywhere.

Now New Year’s Eve… that’s a different story. Hey Sly! Call me!

Heidi Oringer is director of entertainment programming at ABCNEWS Radio.