Can Infidelity Strengthen a Marriage?

June 21, 2006 — -- Dan and Kelly Gengler got married when they were 21 and had two children early in the relationship.

At first they were happy, but postpartum depression and Dan Gengler's long workdays and preoccupation with sports caused the young couple to drift apart.

"I didn't really know who I was or had no idea who Dan was, and I felt myself starting to pull back," Kelly Gengler said. "I started seeking other ways to be emotionally fulfilled, which ended in my having an affair and leaving everything behind."

Her affair stunned Dan Gengler.

"I was angry," he said. "When I first found out about it, and I was kind of just dumbfounded."

A 2004 ABC News poll found that 15 percent of spouses had cheated at some point during their marriage. The Journal of Sex Research found that 25 percent of men and 15 percent of women had cheated.

Kelly Gengler's affair nearly destroyed her marriage. It ultimately, however, brought her closer to her husband.

"Our relationship is definitely stronger," he said. "We've learned a lot about each other and a lot about ourselves."

Kelly Gengler left her husband for six months before convincing him that they should give their marriage another chance. The two went on a retreat with other struggling couples and learned how to make their marriage work, and, most importantly, love again.

"Would I choose to go through the experience of an affair and nearly divorcing in order to become stronger in our marriage? Absolutely not," she said. "Would we be where we are without that happening? I don't think so. I fully believe we would already be divorced."

There are other well-known examples of couples who have weathered highly publicized affairs: President Clinton and Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, Bill and Camille Cosby, and Frank and Kathie Lee Gifford.

"People often do get past this and the way in which they do this is by really learning what's happening in their relationship," said psychiatrist Keith Ablow.

In a New York Times article on Tuesday, Ablow wrote that infidelity could prompt a couple to re-examine their needs and re-ignite the passion in their relationship.

"I'm not saying that you should forget," Ablow said. "What you should take away from this is that marriage is a vital enterprise. It needs to be fed constantly."