'The 7 Stages of Motherhood'

May 9, 2005 — -- Ann Pleshette Murphy taps into her experience as "Good Morning America's" parenting contributor, 10-plus years as editor in chief of Parents magazine, and, most important, her own experience raising two children in her book, "The 7 Stages of Motherhood: Loving Your Life Without Losing Your Mind."

Murphy differentiates herself from other authors by focusing on the development of the mother rather than the child, as children grow from babies to teens.

You can read select excerpts from "The 7 Stages of Motherhood" below.

Stage 3
Letting Go: The Toddler Years, One and Two

Unlike the first three months, which one mom described as a time of "total caregiving with no return," the four-to-twelve-month period is often the "falling head over heels in love" phase. Looking at photos of Maddie when she was five, six, or eight months old (of which there are several trunkfuls), I'm reminded how her body had a kind of delicious ripeness, like a spanking new pillow, creamy and cool and soft. After her bath, I would put my terry-wrapped beauty on the bed and lie next to her for hours, admiring the formation of her ears or the perfection of her tiny wrinkled toes or the soft sound of her burbling voice.

We had made the transition from a stage when Maddie's relentless neediness elicited a kind of primal pull to soothe, feed, and hold her to a phase choreographed around a much more reciprocal dance. Coming into her room in the morning, I experienced the helpless bliss of watching a frown of frustration melt into a gummy smile. At the sound of my voice, joy animated every fiber of her body; no matter how rough the previous night had been, no matter how wasted I felt when I dragged myself out of bed, her beaming face washed away the fatigue.

As my three-month maternity leave galloped to an end, I experienced moments of sheer panic. I had missed the daily challenges, mental stimulation, and rewards of my job, but the image of handing Maddie over to Ana, the Filipino woman we had hired to care for her, sucked the energy out of me.

Feeling torn between your baby and your job is one of the universals of this -- and practically every other -- phase of motherhood. In a recent poll of working mothers, Parents found that 99 percent of them said they felt "stressed some or most of the time." Most of us assume this stress could be alleviated by improved child care or more flextime or a more involved spouse -- and all those things would help. But we also need to accept the fact that ambivalence is a fact of life postbaby. And that sometimes the tension we feel between our working selves and our mothering selves can be energizing and creative.

Despite the fact that the vast majority of research tells us that child care does not hurt kids -- assuming that that care is consistent and nurturing -- there isn't a mother alive who doesn't feel guilty and conflicted as she heads out the door. The truth is, you'll never know for sure whether the decisions you make today are the ones that matter the most down the road. All you can do is accept what research and common sense confirm: Being true to yourself is paramount. A child at home with a depressed or frustrated mom is going to suffer more than a child whose mother nurtures herself -- through work or other activities -- and is, therefore, replenished and ready to give when she's home. Babies need and love their moms, but they certainly don't need to be with them every minute of every day. They also thrive when they have a chance to interact with other loving adults.

Ahhh, but there's the rub. How does one find "other loving adults" -- even one other loving adult? Quality, affordable child care ranks with the Holy Grail in terms of accessibility. Understandably, we often make the mistake of looking for child care that is all about our baby's needs. We want a surrogate mom, or a group of surrogate moms in a wonderful child-care center. But one of the keys to making this transition from home to work is having someone or a group of someones who are there for you. This means a woman who supports working mothers, really believes that you've made the right choice. If your baby is in center-based care, then you want a place that regularly provides information about what your baby has been doing, not because it will necessarily help the baby but because they know you want to be in on her day. They should also welcome your occasional surprise visits. A child-care provider who seems judgmental, arrogant, or so obsequious that she would obviously never tell you the truth is not the person to hire. A center that holds a dim view of parents who question, call regularly, or stop by is not the one for your baby. In order to forge the kind of partnership that makes everyone happy, it's also critical that you do your part. Don't micromanage. If you're constantly second-guessing what your child-care provider is providing, you're going to drive her nuts --