Mom criticizes school policy asking students to say 'yes' at dances after daughter left upset
"I just think that that’s taking away her right. She has the right to say no."
A Valentine's Day dance in a small Utah school district sparked a conversation about where, when and how to teach consent to kids.
Alicia Hobson, the mom of a sixth-grade student in the school district, took to Facebook last week to vent about her daughter, Azlyn, reportedly being told by her middle school principal that she had to dance with a student at the dance.
"NO MEANS NO," Hobson, of Garden City, Utah, started her post. "A kid at school that makes my daughter uncomfortable asked her to dance at the school dance on Valentine's Day. She tried to say no thank you, and the principal overheard and intervened and told her she's not allowed to say no and that she has to dance with him."
"She has the right to say no to anyone for any reason or no reason," she wrote. "Her body is her body and if she doesn't want to dance with someone, that's her prerogative."
Hobson told "Good Morning America" that her 11-year-old daughter had been excited about attending the dance, even planning her outfit days in advance, but came home "angry and upset" after being told to dance with a boy she tries to avoid at school.
"She had fun with her friends and had a great time, but she was also just outraged that she had to dance with this kid she didn't want to," said Hobson. "It took a lot of effort for her to say 'no' in the first place instead of being polite, and then for the principal to have it mean nothing, it was just shattering."
Hobson said consent is a lesson she has taught Azlyn about since she was a little kid.
"I've always told her, her body is her body and if anyone ever makes her uncomfortable, she can get up and leave or scream, yell, run and tell me or another adult," she said. "I've told her it doesn't matter if it's a grown up or a kid, if you say 'no,' that means no."
Both mother and daughter say they were shocked when Azlyn attended her first school dance last fall and learned the school's rule that students have to say "yes" and dance if anyone asks them.
"I couldn't even believe it, so I just told her, 'OK, well you break that rule,'" said Hobson. "She couldn't believe it either, because it goes against everything I've ever taught her."
Azlyn had not had any uncomfortable incidents until this Valentine's Day dance, the third dance of the year, according to Hobson.
Hobson said she posted about the incident on Facebook to seek advice about how to handle her response. She heard from a few friends who are parents of boys and like the policy because their sons are nervous to ask girls to dance and they worry the rejection would leave them "shattered."
"Rejection happens and it's part of life, and this is the time in their lives to teach them how to deal with the frustration," Hobson said. "I'm all for inclusion, but they would be so much better off teaching the children how to politely say 'no' and how to deal with rejection and how to cope with that frustration."
Hobson said she contacted the school principal and superintendent and was told they would reconsider the policy. School officials did not respond to ABC News' request for comment.
The school principal, Kip Motta, confirmed to the The Salt Lake Tribune that he and the superintendent are reviewing the policy, saying, "We want to protect every child's right to be safe and comfortable at school."
"We believe in that 100%. We also believe that all children should be included in activities," Motta said in an interview with the newspaper. "The reason for the policy as we have had it (in the) past is to make sure no kids feel like they get left out."
What parents should know about consent and kids
Less than 10 states in the U.S. require lessons concerning consent as part of sex education in K-12 schools, according to a 2018 study by the Center for American Progress, a nonpartisan policy institute.
The topic of consent – specifically, when both partners agree to a sexual activity and understand what they're agreeing to – has been in the spotlight the past few years thanks to the rise of the #MeToo movement, the Harvey Weinstein trial and the sexual assault allegation faced by Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh, which he has denied.
Organizations that support the victims of sexual violence, like the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC) and the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN), say the earlier and more often the topic of consent is discussed with kids, the better the outcomes later in life.
"There is absolutely a connection between the behaviors and choices that we normalize in our families and our communities and schools and the choices and behaviors that people make as adults and in their workplaces and on their college campuses," Laura Palumbo, communications director for the NSVRC, told "GMA."
"In this moment of greater cultural awareness around the prevalence of sexual harassment and assault, you can keep stepping back and so much of experiences of abuse or patterns of abusive behavior are actually starting in either the home, school or community when children are young," she said. "Either by the behaviors they're seeing normalized or the lessons they're not learning."
Local resource centers that work with the NSVRC are often met with resistance when trying to work with school districts to develop a curriculum on consent, according to Palumbo. The resource centers and groups like NSVRC emphasize that consent is not just about sex but about healthy relationships and boundaries, and can be taught at any age.
"Practicing consent in everyday situations is really important for kids of all ages," said Palumbo. "It's showing them their rights to set limits and boundaries and their rights to respect the limits and boundaries of others."
"It's also teaching them that it's OK to hear 'no' from someone, it's OK to experience rejection, and when you hear a 'no,' your next step is to accept the answer and move on," she said. "It's not to ask again or pressure them to change their mind."
Both the NSVRC and RAINN offer resource guides for teaching about consent.
"The important thing for parents to know is that at every stage from birth there are age-appropriate ways you can be setting the stage for your child to understand the concepts of consent and respect and to have the healthiest relationships possible as they grow," said Palumbo. "Even in parents' everyday interactions with their child, they're modeling that respect of listening, validating choices, accepting and respecting boundaries and that is such an important foundation."
If you or someone you know experienced sexual assault and is seeking resources, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673).
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