Octomom: 'I Screwed My Life Up'

June 5, 2009 — -- Nadya Suleman, the infamous "Octomom," expresses deep regret over her historic birth of octuplets, saying, "I screwed my life up, I screwed up my kids' life," in an interview with Radar Online.

"What the heck am I going to do? I have to put on this strong face, and I have to pretend like I don't regret it," she said.

As Radar Online cameras rolled, Suleman opened up to a friend about her "guilt" over the multiple birth and her romantic feelings for the mystery man who she says fathered the octuplets along with the six children she already had.

"I blame myself for bringing this on my own," Suleman said. "These are my choices. I coerced him into helping me every year. ... The more kids I had, the stronger connection I had with him, and I couldn't even imagine anyone else, and he knew that."

Click here to watch the Radar Online video.

Suleman, who claims to have had all her children through in vitro fertilization, said she did not tell the donor before she had more children with his sperm.

"I went behind his back, and I feel so much guilt and want to apologize to him," she said.

As for the identity of the Octodad, Suleman plans to keep quiet.

"He has his own world. He will lose everything. He will lose what he created, and it is important to him in his life. I think he is so fearful [for] what he created on his own," she said. "I live in denial, and it is my fault and that is how I live with that."

The sullen statements come just days after Suleman agreed to let a camera crew film her and her children for a reality television show.

The Radar Online video shows Suleman with a very different demeanor than the near-beaming smiles she showed during an exclusive interview with "Good Morning America" in April as she gave a tour of the babies' nursery in her La Habra, Calif., home.

"I know I'm going to sound kind of crazy to say this, but [raising the kids] is actually a lot less stressful than I envisioned it to be," Suleman told "Good Morning America". "They're really good babies."

"I never anticipated [having] more than one [baby]. I was praying for one more," Suleman said. "If one hadn't come, I'd be happy with six."

Then, Suleman was raising the eight newborns with the constant help of at least seven nurses working in shifts -- four during the day and three each night.

The octuplets reportedly go through around 2,000 diapers every month, placing a hefty financial burden on the family.

Likely the nation's most recognizable mother, Suleman made headlines in January when she gave birth to history-making octuplets.

Days after news of the miracle multiple birth spread from coast to coast, the public turned on Suleman when it came to light that the 33-year-old already had six children who were born, like the octuplets, through in vitro fertilization.

Now all eight of the babies, the world's longest-surviving set of octoplets, are home with Suleman and their six brothers and sisters. The last to arrive home was Jonah on April 14. Jonah weighed 1 pound 8 ounces when he was born Jan. 26.; he now weights 4 pounds 10 ounces.

"They're all here and really, really healthy," Suleman said in a Radar Online video in April. "They have very strong personalities."

Click here to watch the video or here for the first photos of the babies at home.