June 5, 2009 — -- Nadya Suleman, the infamous "Octomom," expresses deep regret over her historic birth of octuplets, saying, "I screwed my life up, I screwed up my kids' life," in an interview with Radar Online.
"What the heck am I going to do? I have to put on this strong face, and I have to pretend like I don't regret it," she said.
As Radar Online cameras rolled, Suleman opened up to a friend about her "guilt" over the multiple birth and her romantic feelings for the mystery man who she says fathered the octuplets along with the six children she already had.
"I blame myself for bringing this on my own," Suleman said. "These are my choices. I coerced him into helping me every year. ... The more kids I had, the stronger connection I had with him, and I couldn't even imagine anyone else, and he knew that."
Suleman, who claims to have had all her children through in vitro fertilization, said she did not tell the donor before she had more children with his sperm.
"I went behind his back, and I feel so much guilt and want to apologize to him," she said.
As for the identity of the Octodad, Suleman plans to keep quiet.
"He has his own world. He will lose everything. He will lose what he created, and it is important to him in his life. I think he is so fearful [for] what he created on his own," she said. "I live in denial, and it is my fault and that is how I live with that."
The sullen statements come just days after Suleman agreed to let a camera crew film her and her children for a reality television show.
The Radar Online video shows Suleman with a very different demeanor than the near-beaming smiles she showed during an exclusive interview with "Good Morning America" in April as she gave a tour of the babies' nursery in her La Habra, Calif., home.
"I know I'm going to sound kind of crazy to say this, but [raising the kids] is actually a lot less stressful than I envisioned it to be," Suleman told "Good Morning America". "They're really good babies."
"I never anticipated [having] more than one [baby]. I was praying for one more," Suleman said. "If one hadn't come, I'd be happy with six."
Then, Suleman was raising the eight newborns with the constant help of at least seven nurses working in shifts -- four during the day and three each night.
The octuplets reportedly go through around 2,000 diapers every month, placing a hefty financial burden on the family.
Likely the nation's most recognizable mother, Suleman made headlines in January when she gave birth to history-making octuplets.
Days after news of the miracle multiple birth spread from coast to coast, the public turned on Suleman when it came to light that the 33-year-old already had six children who were born, like the octuplets, through in vitro fertilization.
Now all eight of the babies, the world's longest-surviving set of octoplets, are home with Suleman and their six brothers and sisters. The last to arrive home was Jonah on April 14. Jonah weighed 1 pound 8 ounces when he was born Jan. 26.; he now weights 4 pounds 10 ounces.
"They're all here and really, really healthy," Suleman said in a Radar Online video in April. "They have very strong personalities."
Nadya's Mother Criticizes Multiple Birth
Many people across the country expressed outrage at Suleman and the fertility doctor who impregnated her, saying it was irresponsible for a single woman to bring 14 children into the world without the means to care for them.
Even Suleman's mother, Angela Suleman, has been vocal about her disapproval. In Februrary, said her daughter's decision was "really unconscionable."
On Feb. 24, Radar Online posted video of a heated debate over the babies between Nadya and her mother.
"I will never understand," Angela said to her daughter about her decision to have in vitro. "You should have considered your other six children."
"You can't go back and alter the past. Done, done, done," Nadya replied.
In early March Suleman defended herself after a frantic 911 call she made when she thought she lost one of her six previous children.
Police in Whittier, Calif., say they responded eight times to emergency calls from the Suleman family.
Suleman moved out of her parents house in early March and into a larger one in La Habra, Calif. She told Radar Online she put the down payment on the home herself.
Nurse Claims Suleman 'Does Not Care' About Kids
The non-profit nursing service Angels in Waiting offered to provide around-the-clock nurses to help Suleman care for the children, but there were problems from the beginning, according to reports.
A nurse who had been helping provide care for some of the octopulets said on the "Dr. Phil Show" that Suleman seemed more interested in publicity than her children .
"This woman does not care for these kids, that's my honest opinion," said Linda West-Conforti, the founder of Angels in Waiting.
Suleman fired Angels in Waiting accusing the group of being unprofessional, spying on her and reporting her to child welfare officials.
Suleman told Radar Online she nearly called police to file a restraining order against the group. In the video, she described a bizarre scene where an Angels in Waiting worker opened her purse and said how easy it would be to stuff one of her babies in there and abduct it.
Just days after West-Conforti claimed Suleman did not care for her children, Victor Munoz, Suleman's publicist, told Usmagazine.com she was "nuts."
"It just got to be too much," Munoz said. "Nadya got real greedy. This woman is nuts."
Suleman's first publicist, Joann Killeen, also stepped aside.