Navigating Sibling Ties When Caring for Parents

June 27, 2007 — -- "Tis our fast intent / To shake all cares and business from our age, / Conferring them on younger strengths, while we / Unburden'd crawl toward death." -- King Lear.

Shakespeare's tragedy of proud Lear and his three daughters -- two greedy and ruthless and one naively devoted -- is a tale of epic misery.

But in modern life, where the drama lacks colliding armies, there's still deep pain and bitter disappointment when sisters and brothers feud about an aging parent. When siblings join together, the most wrenching decisions and heaviest tasks are somehow lightened by mutual effort and goodwill.

Daisy Rosewarne, rigid with Parkinson's, clouded with dementia, can live at home in East Tawas, Mich., because her three daughters, each from a different marriage, found ways to share her care that reflect their different lives, talents and resources.

"Mom is our common bond. We love her -- and each other," says the oldest, Betty Clark, who lives with Rosewarne.

But when siblings fight, it's war. For some, once Mom and Dad are gone, they'll never speak to each other again -- if they even speak now.

According to a USA TODAY/ABC News/Gallup Poll, among boomers who provide care or financial assistance for an aging parent or stepparent, 10 percent say it has created a great deal of stress among the siblings. Another 20 percent report at least some stress among siblings.

Often, the seeds of dissension between siblings were sown when they were children, says Rona Bartelstone, a Fort Lauderdale social worker who pioneered geriatric care management in South Florida in 1981.

"If you want to know how you'll get along with your siblings when you all have to deal with your aging parents, think back. Did you get along when you were all under the same roof? If you didn't then, you won't now."

Rosewarne reared her daughters to love and enjoy one another. Today, the sisters are an upbeat trio whose voices radiate good cheer.

Mom can't walk by herself now, "so whoever is taking her to the commode stands her up and walks her -- like dancing with a statue where you move her feet," says Clark, giggling at the image.