Funnies: Judith Miller Makes Way for Tom DeLay

Oct. 2, 2005 — -- A round-up of the late-night comics.

O'Brien: In his speech earlier this week, President Bush asked Americans to conserve gas by stopping non-essential travel. Yeah, then the president flew to Hawaii to make the same speech.

Leno: And today, The New York Times reporter Judith Miller, she was released from jail. They had to release her to make room for Tom DeLay.

Stewart: So -- large protest, tiny counter protest. That should be the last word. No? No.

[Footage of anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan being carried away by authorities.]

Stewart: Because yesterday came the counter, counter protest. Demonstrators gathered around the White House, including [Sheehan]. Yes, she's back. And Washington police converged swiftly on the group, making Cindy Sheehan the first of hundreds of arrests. She's smiling. You know what? I don't think she is being arrested. I think a Jewish wedding just broke out.

Leno: Something really odd happened at the Pentagon the other day as Donald Rumsfeld was briefing the [media]. See, I don't think the Pentagon has very good security. I am sorry to say this, but their security is not that good. Show what happened. Take a look.

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld [at press conference]: For four decades, Dick Myers has served. And for the past six years, he's been a powerful presence in the Department of Defense.

[Cut to "Osama bin Laden" peeking in through an emergency exit]

Leno: How did that guy get in there?

Stewart: Everybody is excited: "Yeah man, Tom DeLay! We got that bastard, Whoo!" But what exactly did he do?

Ronnie Earle, district attorney of Travis County, Texas, [on tape]: Corporate money, which cannot be given to candidates in Texas, was sent to the Republican National Committee, where it was exchanged for money raised from individuals and then sent to those Texas legislative candidates.

Stewart: Oh man. That sounds a hair's breadth beyond the already arbitrary ethical line between legal and illegal in campaign finance. I'm … outraged? Is there a simpler explanation?

Rep. Tom DeLay, R-Texas [on tape]: It's like your brother-in-law sending you some money to take care of the rent.

Stewart: Whoa! Not only is it not illegal, it's quite generous.