Funnies: Report Card from 'Fiasco Junior High'

Nov. 20, 2005 — --

David Letterman: By the way, President Bush is on an eight-day tour of Asia. He's visiting American jobs. … And Sen. John Kerry said today the war in Iraq was a huge mistake and he should know: He voted for it twice.

Jon Stewart: Let's begin in "Warshington." Yesterday, the Senate approved a measure requiring the president to issue quarterly reports outlining the progress being made in Iraq. Wow! That means they'll get to hear how the war is going, like, four times a year. It's like a report card, if you went to Fiasco Junior High.

Conan O'Brien: Bush's Supreme Court nominee [is] taking a lot of heat. Yeah, they're scrutinizing everything. Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito said he's embarrassed by some of the things he wrote in the 1980s. Yeah, it turns out Alito wrote the song, "Wake Me up Before You Go Go."

President Bush [giving speech]: "Many of these critics supported my opponent during the last election, who explained his position to support the resolution in the Congress this way: "When I vote to give the president of the United States the authority to use force if necessary to disarm Saddam Hussein, it is because I believe. …"
Jon Stewart: Oh my God! Kerry's boring even when Bush is reading him.