FUNNIES: English -- Official Language and Muffin

May 21, 2006 — -- A roundup of the late-night comics.

Kimmel: The Senate yesterday voted to make English the national language of the United States and also our national muffin -- the English muffin -- from now on.

David Letterman: The Bush administration is tightening immigration. Now, in order to cross into the United States, you have to have legal documentation. You want to get into the United States? You have to have legal documentation or a 95-mile-an-hour fastball.

Jon Stewart: And the president made it clear that the issue should be discussed in a civil fashion.

President Bush [Oval Office address]: America needs to conduct this debate on immigration in a reasoned and respectful tone. We cannot build a unified country by inciting people to anger or playing on anyone's fears.

Stewart: That's what … terrorism and gay people are for.

Jay Leno: According to a new … Washington [Post]/ABC News poll … Americans say they now trust Democrats more than Republicans to deal with Iraq, the economy, immigration and other issues. In fact, if the election were held today, uh, John Kerry would still lose.

Kimmel: Things are very bad for the president. … Remember when Tony Soprano on "The Sopranos" started to lose it and he had to beat somebody up? George Bush might want to think about that, because look what happened this morning at the airport.

Voiceover [with Bush shown waving and boarding Air Force One]: After a visit to Orlando to promote his prescription drug program, the President was surprised when Air Force One pulled away without him. He suffered only minor bruises.

[Footage shows Air Force One pulling away and Bush falling off the stairs.]

Jimmy Kimmel: "That, that is unacceptable."

Stewart: As you probably heard, USA Today reported Thursday the agency is collecting data on billions of domestic calls -- a fact we could have found out a long time ago, if we'd only paid more attention to the phone bill. It was right there.

[Stewart shows "phone bill" with "NSA surveillance program" charge on it.]