Dec. 16, 2009 -- Disclaimer: I am a father, and I love kids. But I have my moments.
Usually these "moments" occur when I'm jammed shoulder-to-shoulder in a long metal cylinder for hours on end as a toddler gives voice to all frustrations. Loudly. Unceasingly. At a volume that can't be drowned out by Metallica on my noise-canceling headphones.
That's when I remember the immortal words of Clarence Darrow (spoken, no doubt, as he sat beside a noisy little tyke aboard a Douglas DC-2): "The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." Hmm, a bit extreme, perhaps, however many have sent me notes expressing their willingness to pay one of those dreaded airline fees specifically for child/infant-less flights.
But enough with the hyperbole: let's talk real-world solutions to the problem of screaming kids: I'm afraid there are only two things that you, the passenger, can do about this:
Calmly and sympathetically ask the parents if they could please stop the child from screaming/kicking/flailing, or, if they'd like you to ring for a flight attendant to help them (I'm sure the cabin crew will love me for that one).
Now if you're the parent of a wayward child -- that's different. There are a lot of things you can try.
Tip for Flying with Babies
Let's start with infants, and here's a chilling thought from the staff at MayoClinic.com: "Sometimes babies simply need to cry." On the other hand, sometimes there's a reason for their cries; you just need to recognize it and deal with it.
What to try:
Practice CFBN: Change, Feed, Burp, Nap. Try one, try them all -- chances are, one combination or another will stop the tears. Pretty basic, yes, but sometimes it's hard to think straight when a baby is wailing away.
Ear pressure pain can occur especially during take-offs and landings; try a pacifier or try feeding your baby. Warning: author Toby Young ("How to Lose Friends and Alienate People") tried this with his infant daughter and said all he got was projectile vomiting, adding "It gives new meaning to the term 'Jet Stream'."
Some babies suffer from colic, that intense crying that you can't seem to stop; the good news is, these crying jags often take place about the same time each day so you might, with your pediatrician's permission, try to jigger your schedule enough so you can "fly around" the worst of it (but if it was my child, I think we'd just stay home).
Make sure your infant is healthy before you fly; if there is even the vestige of an ear infection, the flight may be too painful and worth forgoing – for your child, and your fellow passengers.
Flying with Toddlers
Ah, yes, toddlers: those busy little people who "live in the moment" and don't always listen to Mommy and Daddy.
What to try:
Prepare toddlers (and even older kids) by explaining in simple terms what the trip will be like, and show them pictures of airplanes, including the interiors. Talk about how you expect them to behave, and that there will be rewards for good behavior ("You'll get to see Grandma's new kittens!").
Bribes, bribes and more bribes. Dole out those cookies and candies – and toys. One mother I know buys new ones just for plane trips, but she sticks to cheap drugstore stuff. Since we are not talking geopolitics here, this is one instance where you are allowed to achieve "peace at any price." Give 'em whatever they want.
If possible, fly first thing in the morning; as the day wears on, so does the child. If you will be interrupting naptime, bring aboard the child's pillow and favorite bedtime toy.
Not long ago, I read an op-ed piece by Amy Alkon, author of "I See Rude People: One Woman's Battle to Beat Some Manners into Impolite Society" in which she wrote, "Your right to bring your screaming child on a plane ends where the rest of our ears begin."
She's got a point, but reaction was mixed, judging by comments on various blogs which included, "You are my hero!" and "[Does] Amy have any children of her own? That lived?"
Look, we were all children once, and chances are, most or at least many of us will have children of our own someday, so -- be nice, everyone.
That said, you know what irritates passengers even more than screaming kids? Parents that make no attempt to do anything about it. To some degree, most of us are sympathetic to families with out-of-control toddlers and crying babies, but not if the parents just sit there.
Sure, parenthood isn't easy, but – it's your job, so – do it. And maybe we'll all fly a little easier.
This work is the opinion of the columnist and in no way reflects the opinion of ABC News.
Rick Seaney is one of the country's leading experts on airfare, giving interviews and analysis to news organizations, including ABC News, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Reuters, The Associated Press and Bloomberg. His Web site FareCompare.com offers consumers free, new-generation software, combined with expert insider tips to find the best airline ticket deal.