How to Deal with the Jerk on the Cell Phone

March 12, 2005 — -- With some 1½ billion cell phone users worldwide, the likelihood of being bombarded in public by loud talk or an annoying ring during a performance has become all too common; so much so that experts say cell phones and their users are redefining the rules of our social space. So, "20/20" set out to get some tips on dealing with aggravating cell phone noise.

What's more, research now shows that cell phones have altered the way we communicate with others in the manner we all have learned in infancy.

Nowadays, users look deep into their companion's eyes, but are really focused on the person on the cell phone. You see people doing it while on the street, in the parks, restaurants, everywhere: laughing, gesturing, making faces, not to the person they are with, but to the one on the phone, while ignoring everything else around. And there's a catchy new phrase to describe it, "absent presence."

"Our minds are somewhere else. They're absent, but we're physically present. And it kind of disturbs the way the people around the cell phone user looks at that cell phone user," according to James Katz, a communications professor at Rutgers University.

The companion of the cell phone user can feel dejected, lonely and ignored. "Oftentimes in couples or groups, when one member gets a cell phone call, the expression on the other people's faces tends to droop. And the cell phone user's mind is elsewhere. "It's as if a barrier or a wall or even a glass plate is erected between us and other people," Katz said.

One British study indicates that when we hear a person on a cell phone we are annoyed because our brains are trained to complete conversations, and since we only overhear half of what's being said, we become frustrated and irritated.

Etiquette experts told "20/20" that the answer may be in learning how to be more courteous while on a cell phone and politely assertive with noisy cell phone users.

The phone industry itself recognizes the problem. Jacqueline Whitmore conducts seminars for sprint and other corporate executives, teaching them the cell phone equivalent of which fork to use at a fancy dinner. Whitmore says the first rule of thumb is that the person you are with takes precedence over any cell phone caller. Hang up as soon as you can. And above all, she says, don't treat your little phone as if it's a tin can with wires.

That's called "cell yell," Whitmore says.

"20/20" sent out an intern to act as a cell yeller on a Manhattan street to gauge people's response. It didn't take long to get some folks very, very angry. One couple ran away from him. One woman said she was ready to hurt him; she wanted to step on his foot.

That's not quite the way to handle it, according to consultant Barbara Pachter, whose book, "The Jerk with the Cell Phone," suggests less violent ways for ordinary folks to combat rudeness.

So, what's the best thing to do when you feel like ripping a phone from someone hand?

"If it's a minor annoyance, to let it go. If it's not, if it's an ongoing situation, to say something," Pachter said.

"The first is, don't become a jerk yourself -- no yelling, no screaming, no cursing, no grabbing the phone out of the person's hand. People do that," she said.

Instead, Pachter says, ask nicely if the talker can lower his or her voice. Maybe they could step away from the crowd. And if you're reluctant to say anything, you could hand the offender one of the cards she has bound into her book.

The card says: I'm sure you don't realize this. You're speaking loudly, can you please lower your voice.

But does it work?

Pachter thinks so. "In fact, there are restaurants that have them already that hand them to their customers," she said.

"20/20" took Pachter out on the street to spread her advice among the folks our "cell yeller" was annoying.

She said they should speak up. "I'm suggesting that when you do say something, you say it politely," she said.

In Israel, where some 96 percent of the population owns a cell phone, and high-decibel chatter is routine, some folks have taken matters into their own hands, producing little black boxes -- cell phone jammers -- that can zap nearby mobiles into useless pieces of plastic. But don't rush out to buy one: they're illegal in the United States.

So, while the loudmouth on the cell phone may push your buttons, don't push back with rudeness. Be patient, walk away or use lots of tact, and you're likely to get the cell yeller to pipe down.