Book Excerpt: 'Take Back Your Marriage'

April 26, 2002 -- Has having kids destroyed your sex life? According to William Doherty, who has practiced as a marriage and family therapist for more than two decades, 70 percent of couples become less satisfied with their marriage and their sex lives after becoming parents.

But in his new book, Take Back Your Marriage: Sticking Together in a World That Pulls Us Apart, he offers advice on how to save your marriage from your kids. Following is an excerpt.

Strategies for Not Losing Your Marriage to Your Parenting

I'd like to pull together my suggestions for the tricky task of beingterrific parents in a terrific marriage. Making your marriage a prioritydoes not mean neglecting your children. As in the rest of life, it'sa matter of balance. But for most of us, the harder side of the see-sawto put weight on is our marriage. Kids are better at advocatingfor time and attention than we are as spouses.

If you are married, remind yourself repeatedly that your marriageis the foundation of your family and the cornerstone of yourchildren's security. It is primary, not secondary, for everybody's well-being.This is not to say that children cannot prosper in a single-parentfamily (many do), but that in a married, two-parent familythe foundation is the marriage. When it goes sour, the family goessour. A lot of research on two-parent families shows that good marriageslead to good parenting and that conflicted marriages lead tobad parenting.

Remind yourself repeatedly that your children are apt to bebetter fighters for their needs — nature has programmed them to begood at getting our attention — than you and your mate are at fightingfor the needs of your marriage. You've got to lean toward yourmarriage in order to have balance between your marriage and yourchildren.

Limit your family's outside activities so that you have two rareelements for today's families: time to hang out as a family and timeto hang out as a couple.

Have fixed bedtimes for your children, after which you areoff duty and can be alone as a couple.

Don't let your children interrupt every conversation youhave. If you really want to finish something, or if one of you needsa supportive listener, feel free to politely ask your children to comeback later after you have finished talking. And teach them to ask ifthey can interrupt.

For some important couple conversations, tell your childrenthat you are going to your bedroom to talk and that you would likethem not to interrupt you unless something important happens,such as someone being hurt.

Limit the amount of time you devote to your children'sschool homework every night. Teachers complain that some well-educatedparents do not let their children learn on their own. Unlessyour child has special learning problems, do not routinely devote your whole evenings to being a tutor, in part because you will have no time to hang out with your spouse.

Carve out private time for yourselves as a couple. Even a 15-minute period is wonderful if you do it every day. This might be overcoffee after dinner, as my wife and I have done, or after putting thechildren to bed. When your children are old enough, you can go foran after-dinner walk around the neighborhood.

Carve out private space. Consider letting your children knowthat your bedroom is private when your door is closed and that theyshould knock. This sends the message that there are certain maritalthings that children do not share in without checking.

Get sitters and go out on regular dates. This is not only goodfor your relationship, but it also sends your children the message thatindeed you are a couple who do special things together: you dressup, look great, and go out for a good time together. Even if theyprotest, even young children can handle a few hours of separationfrom their parents. Older children may be glad to be rid of you ifthey have good babysitters (our children used to suggest we go outso they could see their favorite babysitter), and they will feel moresecure because they sense that you enjoy each other's company.Adolescents will be impressed that old-timers like you still date.

Never complain about your spouse to the children. This tellsyour children that your primary relationship is with them, not withyour spouse. Here I am referring to important complaints aboutyour mate's personality or character, not the occasional frustrations,say, about being late or forgetting to turn the lights off.

If you have a heated argument in hearing range of the children(sometimes it's unavoidable), then let them see you be affectionatewhen you've made up. This helps children know that yourrelationship is strong enough to recover from anger and misunderstanding,and that you are taking care of your marriage. You cancheck out with your children if they feel upset about your arguing.During a bedtime talk, I once asked my daughter, when she wasabout age seven, if she felt upset when she heard her mother and meargue. I will never forget her reply: "No, it doesn't bother me, because I know you are not going to get a divort." (That was her word for "divorce.") I told her she was right about that.

When your children are old enough, and if you can afford it,get away for an occasional weekend together without the children.This is a way to revive your marriage.

Be open with your children about what you are doing foryour marriage, and why you are doing it. You don't have to give lectures,but make sure your children know that you are setting limitson attention and availability for them because you love each otherand want to make sure you stay close. Your explanations, of course,will be different for children at different levels of development, butall children past the toddler stage can understand that you like eachother and like to be alone and do things together sometimes. Withadolescents, there are moments when you can quietly share yourphilosophy of marriage. I have with my kids.

From Take Back Your Marriage: Sticking Together in a World That Pulls UsApart, by William J. Doherty, PhD (Guilford Press). Posted with permissionof The Guilford Press, (C) Copyright 2001.