Teen Chooses Adoptive Parents for Baby

April 30, 2004 -- Imagine five couples vying for the same unborn baby. Then imagine the mother of the baby, a teenager, trying to decide which couple should raise her child. What if there were a round of interviews, in which each of the five couples would try to convince the teenager they are the best parents?

This scenario is one that's playing itself out more and more frequently in America today. Many would-be adoptive parents are finding themselves essentially pitted against each other when trying to adopt a baby, and birth mothers are learning they have a unique power.

"I was basically deciding if they're going to have children or not," said 16-year-old Jessica Bohne of Cleveland, who became the center of just such an emotional drama after learning she was pregnant. "I was kind of playing God."

Jessica's parents, Beth Anne and Michael, counseled the high school sophomore to consider adoption. Jessica was determined to decide for herself her child's future, but the decision was not an easy one.

As the baby grew inside her, the desire to keep him grew too. Becoming a mom seemed an exciting and rewarding prospect. Weighing against her maternal instincts were personal and career goals, Jessica wanted to attend nursing school, eventually get married, and later, with the support of a husband, start a family.

Her parents continued to push for adoption, but it seemed an unnatural choice to Jessica. At night, alone in her room, she wondered how she could carry a baby for nine months only to hand him over to another family.

Beth Anne and Micheal sensed their daughter's growing attachment to the baby and reminded her that choosing to become a parent would not only be an unrealistic burden for her but would make unfair demands on them as well. Eventually Jessica consented to a first step, looking into what options existed for her if she chose the adoption route.

A quick search of the Internet exposed Jessica to a practice called open adoption, where the birth mother is permitted to have ongoing contact, even visits, with her child after the adoption. There were couples, she discovered, who preferred this kind of arrangement, couples who not only wanted to adopt a baby but who were willing, essentially, to invite the mother into their lives as well.

Open adoption seemed to be the answer for Jessica. "I was going to be able to see my baby," she said. "He would know who I was. He wouldn't have any questions." Most importantly: "He wouldn't just be gone from my life forever."

The Basics of Open Adoption

The basic requirement of an open adoption, unlike a traditional (or closed) adoption, is that some form of identifying information be shared between the parties. The terms can be as narrow as the exchange of letters or pictures or as broad as regular and ongoing contact between the birth parent and the adopted child.

Today, even though many people are unaware the practice is an option, open adoptions have become the preferred route in the United States; they outnumber closed adoptions by about two to one. Still, the practice is considered controversial. Critics say the experience of growing up with two mothers is potentially confusing for the child.

The late William Pierce was one of the most outspoken opponents of open adoption. "The primary concern is the long-term psychological trauma the child may experience," he argued. "The adoption may be a problem if the new family raises the baby in a way the birth mother doesn't like."

Those in favor of open adoptions say the arrangement removes the shroud of secrecy consistent with closed adoptions. Not only do adoptive parents have direct access to the birth parents' medical histories, the children of open adoptions know the circumstances surrounding their adoptions, and they don't have the same identity questions as some children raised in closed adoptions.

"Is it your usual experience that when you're well informed, you're confused?" said Jim Gritter of Catholic Human Services, who has been facilitating open adoptions since the early 1980s.

Bruce Rappaport of the Independent Adoption Center agrees. "People now see open adoption as humanistic, as the correct thing to do," he said.

The Selection Process

On a chilly October morning in Akron, Ohio, Jennifer Marando and Crissy Kolarik, two sisters in their early 30s, pored over a pile of bound portfolios. The portfolios are adoption résumés of sorts — adorned with drawings, family photos, poems and letters — put together by couples seeking to adopt.

Marando and Kolarik co-own A Child's Waiting, an adoption agency that specializes in open adoptions. They had the considerable task of narrowing down a pool of hundreds of potential adoptive parents to a small handful that Jessica would then consider. The job was made easier only by the fact that Jessica wanted a very open adoption — she wanted to have regular and ongoing visits with her son as he grew up.

In about an hour, 12 couples whose level of openness matched that of Jessica's were selected for consideration.

The next day, Jessica arrived at A Child's Waiting. She had the afternoon to carefully inspect the 12 pre-selected profiles. Marando and Kolarik explained to Jessica that she could select a family on the spot or could elect to interview one or more of the families face to face. Jessica already knew she needed to meet the candidates in person and learn more about them before making a decision. She discarded seven of the profiles and informed the agency she planned to interview the remaining five.

Two days later, Jessica returned to the agency to meet the five nervous couples. (For profiles of each of the five couples, click here). In a series of consecutive interviews, Jessica probed for clues. How often would she be allowed to see her son after the adoption placement? What would those visits be like? How would each couple discipline the child? Does everyone see eye-to-eye on religious beliefs?

Jessica also worried that some of the couples might be less than completely honest in their answers, telling her whatever they thought necessary to get the baby. "I felt like a few of them were going to try to trick me," she said.

The Waiting Game

The day after the five interviews, Jessica had narrowed her options down to two couples. Each couple offered pluses the other lacked: One couple seemed more flexible in terms of contact, the other promised a stay-at-home mom. It was a difficult choice. Jessica decided she must conduct another round of interviews to learn who would be best for her child, and for herself.

When all five couples were summoned to the agency that afternoon, three learned right away that they were no longer in the running.

"I felt bad when I eliminated a few of them," Jessica said. "But I had to. They knew it was going to happen."

The remaining two couples discovered the process was not over: There would be another round of interviews, to be conducted right then on the spot.

Within an hour, the process was complete. Jessica knew she had to select a couple. This time she felt the choice was clear: One of the couples revealed themselves to be the best match for her and her baby.

But there were more hurdles for everyone.

In Ohio, a birth mother may not sign away her parental rights until 72 hours after the child's birth. Some birth mothers choose not to spend that waiting period with their babies, for fear of bonding with them. But when Jessica gave birth to a healthy baby boy only two days after selecting the adoptive couple, she decided she had to spend every minute of those 72 hours with her son.

She lay awake at night, sleeping as little as possible. "I didn't want to give him away," she explained. "I think he's just the most beautiful thing. And he's just so perfect. And why should I have to share him with anybody else?"

The wait was agonizing. Jessica knew that when the three days came to an end, she would be forced to make one of three decisions: withdraw from the adoption process and parent the baby; extend the wait in order to more fully make up her mind (which would mean parenting the baby in the meantime); or immediately sign over all legal parental rights to the couple she had chosen.

The couple could do nothing but wait for Jessica's decision. They were allowed two hospital visits, and on each occasion, they got to hold the baby.

"This is the scary part for us," said the chosen prospective mother. "This is when she's most likely to change her mind, when she has the baby and holds him in her arms."

Jessica assured the couple the adoption plan would stand, but the adoption agency warned that while the chances of placement were high, the bond Jessica formed with the baby was continuing to deepen. There are no guarantees.