He's Just Not That Into You

Oct. 22, 2004 — -- A hot new dating guide is flying off bookshelves across the country. Oprah is gushing about it, and it hit No. 1 on Amazon's bestseller list last month. It's a relationship advice book with a title that says bluntly: "He's Just Not That Into You."

It all started with an episode of the Home Box Office hit, "Sex and the City." Miranda, one of the show's main characters, is having drinks with her girlfriends and tells them about the mixed messages she is getting from a guy she likes. He'd ended their last date with two kisses at Miranda's door, yet declined an invitation inside. His excuse -- an early appointment -- seemed reasonable, and her girlfriends were unanimous: it all sounded "promising." But then, the sole male at their table delivered his take on Miranda's date: "He's just not that into you."

Curiously, this turns out to be a revelation and somehow good news. Miranda's feelings aren't hurt. In fact, she says, "It's the most liberating thing I have ever heard. Think of all the time and therapy I could have saved over the last 20 years if I had known this."

This "just not that into you" idea was a hot topic among the staff of "Sex and the City." Greg Behrendt, a consultant to the show, had, in fact, once caused a similar uproar when he told "Sex and the City" story editor Liz Tuccillo that a date "was just not that into her." Tuccillo, like the onscreen character, was thrilled to finally understand the excuses women hear -- and make -- to keep themselves in dubious relationships. So, she and Behrendt decided to put it in a book.

Tuccillo says many women know about the torture of hanging on to a dubious relationship. "There's nothing, nothing like the torture of waiting and hoping and longing and making excuses … that is the suffering of dating," Tuccillo told Oprah.

Behrendt says he's just telling women what men are really saying when they don't say anything. When the guy doesn't call, Behrendt told Oprah, "I know exactly what that dude's doing -- he is blowing you off, in the nicest possible way he can."

After the authors' appearance on Oprah, the publisher had to send the book back to the printer six times. It's gone from an initial print run of 30,000 copies to 400,000 copies and its sales are still going strong.

'Your Friends Are Your Worst Nightmares'

I talked with women who say they love the book, though some of them are too embarrassed to read it in public.

"It's advertising the fact that you can't get a date," Amanda said. "'He's just not that into you. I mean, there's no other you in the equation -- he's just not that into me."

The women say the book's a hit because it tells them what their friends won't.

"Your friends are your worst nightmares," when it comes to giving you an honest opinion about a guy, said Stephanie

Why do women do this to their friends?

"You want to make each other feel better," one woman said.

"You tell your friends the same thing that you want to hear," Tina said.

"And you start living in that fantasy world where you're like, 'Oh well, maybe he'll call me,' " Stephanie said.

Cold, Hard Common Sense

Here are some of claims made in the book:

He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Calling You

Chapter Two points out men know how to use the phone. Somehow, seeing this in print makes it easier for these women to accept this common sense. "Nobody's too busy to call you," Tina said. "If a guy really likes you, he's going to make every effort to call," Meg said.

"When you don't hear anything, you're like maybe he's studying a lot or maybe he's working a lot, and then you see him out with another girl," Meg added.

He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Having Sex With You

Rima told us what the book had to say about a man who wasn't interested in having sex with you. "It says, get a bright red crayon. Color in this flag. You've just made a big red flag. Good. Because that's what a man not wanting to have sex with you is. And now put down the crayon -- and go get yourself some good lovin'."

If He's Disappeared on You, He's Just Not That Into You

I asked the women, "do you really need a book to tell you this?" One replied, "It's a little pathetic, I think. … Why do we need a book to tell us this? If they didn't want to be with us, we should know better. We're smart, we are successful,"

'It's Tough Love'

So how does this book help them?

"It's tough love, and it's what real girls need to hear, exactly," one woman said.

Women need a book to give them "tough love"?

"I did! I needed this guy on Oprah to tell me that he's not into me, and you know what, my life is changed now," Tina said.

Tina said she's so happy now that she's read the book. "I'm a completely changed person," she said.

They're empowered by the book, they say, because it gives them clarity.

So now they say they'll save their energy for the good guys.