Answers From Kimberly Williams

Jan. 29, 2008— -- "20/20" asked viewers to submit their questions about family anger to Kimberly Williams, a psychologist specializing in neuropsychological evaluations, cognitive behavioral therapy, and parent training at the NYU Child Study Center.

Her responses are posted below.

My 15-year-old son gets very angry and has put holes in his wall. He does not get into fights, but I am very concerned about his emotional health. What can I do to help him better deal with his anger and stress that he feels?—Mike

ANSWER: When a 15-year-old exerts his aggression in a way that is damaging to people or property, his anger is serious. Both his anger and reactions are clearly a sign of some underlying stressors he cannot express with words and he has feelings that are very uncomfortable to deal with. His emotional health is at risk and he needs to improve his frustration tolerance and problem solving tools. Also, remember that working through these issues will be a family endeavor.

I have a 16-year-old with a sense of entitlement that so far has gone unearned. My husband and I struggle with boundaries with him and his choices. He is good kid … no drug use, basketball team member and he is getting good grades. But we are at a loss. It is affecting my other two children and my sons and my relationship started off with me at a young parenting age and very little skills. But there has been therapy and I have sent him through a rite of passage weekend and my husband and I are always willing to hear their feelings and talk with them. I do not know what to do! —Monica

ANSWER: Parents often share that they have tried therapy, worry about their parenting skills, and feel at a loss. I truly empathize with your distress. However, what you also shared is that you and your husband struggle with setting boundaries. This makes it easier for your son's sense of entitlement to "shake up" the household. Your son is a good kid, but not using drugs and studying is what he should do, and not be used as a bargaining tool by him or you. Instead, dust off your tools learned in therapy. While being available to listen to his feelings, set appropriate limits and consistently stand by the limits that you set. The hardest part is remaining calm, firm, and standing by your word when his frustration erupts. Sooner rather than later, you'll regain your parental respect and the whole family will benefit.

I have a son (5) and a 9-month-old daughter. Since last June he's become more aggressive and is always yelling and hitting his father. Considering the baby, how much of the anger is normal for this age? (The breathing technique doesn't seem to be doing much). The first two months he was great with the baby; now he enjoys hurting her. He is somewhat young for his age. Should we continue guarding the baby and giving timeouts or is there something that can be done? —Negar

ANSWER: It's common for a parent to feel that time out is ineffective, unfortunately children can easily pick up on this too! Let's switch strategies for moment and reward good behaviors! When playing nicely with the baby, praise him and give him attention. Be proactive and make endearing comments towards him, as soon as he approaches the baby. This allows him to gain positive attention for not hitting, thus reinforcing the good behaviors you do want. Rather than guarding the baby, which can send the wrong message to him, make special effort to include him in caring for the baby. By giving him a very caretaking special job, he may become the over-protective big brother!

I divorced in November 2006. I am having trouble with my 7-year-old son. Seems like he wants to "push my buttons" all the time. I stay a nervous wreck and hate to take him anywhere (like out to eat) because he acts so badly. He's the kid that you hear people say "my kid is never going to act like that." I truly need some help because I get so mad at him I know I'm not handling it the right way. I'm afraid I am going to snap and hurt him and I would never want to do that. What do I need to do? Thank you for your time.—Lisa

ANSWER: Parenting is hard work, but single parenting is FULL of even greater challenges. It sounds like your day-to-day-stress and worry is being observed by your son. Because children take their emotional and reactive cues from parents and their environment, it's important to model calmness even in the face of distress. This is necessary to make him feel safe and secure. However, you must not ignore your distress. It sounds like you may benefit from discussing your frustrations with a professional who can recommend the appropriate adult, child, and parenting plan. Additionally, if your son has any significant clinical issues they will be identified and addressed.

I have a 6-year-old who is very angry all the time. She thinks I don't like her. How should I handle the anger fits? She goes in her room and screams. Sometimes she is fine one minute then the next she is flipping out. She can be very mean to her friends too. Do I ignore the anger fits or try to talk with her. I want to do what is best for her —Kim

ANSWER: Talking during fits and tantrums is rarely, if ever, productive. You end up in an emotional tug of war or using negotiation, manipulation, and bribery to improve behavior. Typically, anger in young children is usually a sign of not getting one's way, frustration, or fear. Developmentally, younger children do not have the appropriate feeling words or the impulse control to use express frustrations without actions. For now allow her to go to her room and scream all she wants. But give her the contingency that she must calm down before she returns. Calmly ignore the screaming, it will pass. Occasionally, anger in young children manifests due to something neuropsychological. If anger persists, escalates, becomes aggressive, and occurs at school too, consult a clinical professional.

If I tell my 14-year-old son that he is not behaving appropriately or not doing something right he says that he feels like he is the worst son in the world. He is a good student, an athlete and caring young man. Where does this feeling of being the worst son come from? I encourage, support and compliment him. However, it is my job to correct him and if appropriate discipline him. How do I approach this issue? —Ri

ANSWER: I'm not sure if your son knows the best way to get a sympathetic ear from you, or if he truly feels an unrealistic pressure to succeed. Teens are often self-critical and have all-or-nothing viewpoints. Assuming the latter, which can be more serious, I encourage you to become vigilant. There could be some mood or anxiety issues underlying his self-deprecating comments. Observe your son's mood, his interactions with friends, daily activities and grades, if these situations are changing.