Working Wounded Blog: The Trouble With Women at Work
Aug. 23, 2006 — -- Just as it's hard to blame the Democrats for anything that's happened for the last five years (if you look up the word "irrelevant" in the dictionary, don't be surprised if you see the world "democrat" listed as a synonym -- not holding down the Presidency, the Senate, the House of Representatives or the Supreme Court can do that to you) it's also hard to blame women for the mess that work has become.
Let's face it; work is still a patriarchy. OK, I know there are a few men out there who work in a female-managed department or company, but they're the exception and certainly not the rule.
Work is a tree house and the boys are in charge. That said, although women might not be the major part of the problem most of us call work, they do have their issues. I'm not going to go all Oprah on you, but I do want to point out a major challenge facing many women at work. And there's a particular subset that faces this challenge most often.
I call it "divorced women's syndrome," and I've had this conversation with at least 30 women. Going through a divorce a woman learns one thing -- she can't rely on anyone else. It's her life, and her family, and the only person who will be there for her at the end of the day is herself.
Then she goes to work and an interesting thing happens -- she relies only on herself. This is where it gets interesting. If this woman is approached for advice, mentoring or support by a colleague, she will do whatever she can for to help him or her. But when it comes to her asking colleagues for advice, mentoring or support -- no way. It's all about lifting yourself up by your own bra straps (seriously, how many women have boot straps today?). Work, for many women, becomes a solitary activity.
Unfortunately, this runs against the way the work world really works. The workplace is built on favors and on give and take. You do favors for people and they return the favors back to you. The philosophy of not relying or depending on anyone else isolates her from lots of great resources, ideas and efficiencies.
I'm not saying that self-reliance is always bad thing. It gets many women through their divorces intact. I am saying that as important as this trait is to survive a divorce, it's very dangerous to bring this to work as the defining aspect of your personality.
So if I had a magic wand I'd encourage women to be sure that they are making both deposits and withdrawals with the people they work with. To both give and get in the favor economy that sustains every business.
If I still haven't sold you on the importance of giving and receiving, here is a hypothetical: Imagine you have a female friend who is going through a rough stretch. And you could be a big help to her during her struggles. How would you feel if you learned much later that she never let you know that she needed a helping hand? You'd feel terrible, as if you let her down. So how are your friends and work colleagues supposed to feel when you don't reach out to them?
Here is an acronym to adopt -- L.Y.F.H.Y. Let your friends help you. The workplace is so much easier to handle when you tackle it with the support of your colleagues. You go girl!
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
"No one should have to dance backward all their lives." -- Jill Ruckelshaus
BOOK EXCERPT OF THE WEEK
From "Trends" by Peters & Barletta (DK, 2005):
"I imagine a widespread acceptance, especially among the marketing powers-that-be that women's ways of thinking (we rather than me) and connecting (peer rather than pyramid) form the attitudinal background against which profitable marketing campaigns will be built."
Blog Ballot Results
Here are the results from a recent Working Wounded Blog/ABCNews.com online ballot:
How should men act at work?
Like men, 71 percent
With more vulnerability, 15.4 percent
We would be better off with fewer men at work, 13.6 percent
Bob Rosner is a best-selling author, an internationally syndicated columnist, popular speaker, and a recent addition to the community of bloggers. He welcomes your comments at bob@workingwounded.com.
This work is the opinion of the columnist and in no way reflects the opinion of ABC News.