Working Wounded Blog: Apology Inc.

Oct. 10, 2007 — -- For 10 years, I had a workplace confessional on the Working Wounded Web site. It was fascinating, people would confess their workplace sins and then others could provide either absolution or damnation. This forum about what really happens at work quickly became the opposite of all the Pollyanna-ish conversations that take place in MBA programs and business magazines.

After reading thousands of sins, I learned that many of us go too far in the name of commerce. We're human, so mistakes, and other acts that require a confession, are part of the dance.

But don't take my word for it. Just type in the word "apology" on Google and you'll get 8,230,000 links. With so many destinations for apologies, you'd think we'd be getting better and giving them. Think again.

Just in the last few weeks we've had Marion Jones, Sen. Larry Craig and Michael Vick giving very public apologies. Before I get to the actual nuts and bolts of what makes for an effective apology and how you can try to get out of your boss's or a co-workers doghouse, please pardon a brief, but very relevant, tangent.

Am I the only person who has noticed that there is an entire industry that has sprung up around apologies? I call it Apology Inc. These are the people who evaluate the apologies of people like Marion, Larry and Michael. The comment on your tears, your sincerity, how long it took you to get around to give the apology and, my favorite, whether you read your apology from notes or spoke from the heart.

OK, if you get caught faking your expense report or you fail to get an important report done on the date it was due, there won't be people with cameras and microphones evaluating your apology. But chances are pretty good that the person that you are apologizing to has watched the armchair apology quarterbacks a time or two and is more savvy than you think about what goes into an effective apology. In other words, apology expectations are much higher than they used to be, whether we like it or not.

So if we're going to continue to screw up, and if my mail is any indication, we are, what is the key to an effective apology? How do you prove to the other person that you understand the error of your ways?

Let's use the most recent apology from Marion Jones as an example. What she could have said was "I got caught up in winning. I really wanted to bring home the gold. And what I realized is that taking a short cut to the finish line is wrong. And that's what I did. I tried to take a short cut to increase the odds of winning the race."

Saying that you let the kids of the nation down doesn't really cut it anymore. Or crying. Or giving your apology without notes. No, the key to an effective apology is to capture the essence, no matter how painful, of what you did wrong, hence why you need to apologize in the first place. Something that doesn't happen nearly enough.

If Marion, Larry and Michael teach us anything it's that it's not about the tears or sucking up, it's about taking a hard look in the mirror at what you did wrong and showing that you understand the specific results of your actions. Until that cleansing takes place, for both you and the injured party, no healing can really happen. That is the one lesson for apologies that works both for the cable networks and for the cubicles.

QUOTE.

"It takes two to speak the truth, one to speak and one to hear." Henry David Thoreau

BOOK EXCERPT OF THE WEEK:

"The Courageous Follower" by Ira Chaleff (Berrett Koehler, 2003)

"Too often, a follower's instinct is to blend in and adapt to the attitudes of a group even if they are passive, cynical or defeatist. Courageous followers don't allow their own values to be subsumed by the prevailing culture."

Bob Rosner is a best-selling author, an internationally syndicated columnist, popular speaker and a recent addition to the community of bloggers. He welcomes your comments at bob@workingwounded.com.

This work is the opinion of the columnist, and in no way reflects the opinion of ABC News.