Small Business Builder: First Impressions

Aug. 29, 2001 -- Maybe she was born with it. Or maybe she read a book about "how to make a great first impression" and suddenly starting smiling toothy smiles whenever she met people … peering into their eyes as if she were looking for retinal abnormalities … upsetting wineglasses in her zeal to be first with the handshake.

"In business, a good first impression is crucial for forging profitable, sustainable, long-term partnerships to help build the business and keep it thriving," affirms author Michael Bucci in 6 Tips on Making a Good First Impression in the Success & Image section of AskMen.com.

No doubt about it — as long as you possess enough genuine interest and courtesy to sustain such relationships.

Why are there thousands of books, articles, seminars and cassette tapes dealing with first impressions? Few of us are born extroverts. Heredity and socialization work against us. We're intuitively wary of new acquaintances, constantly balancing threat and opportunity.

More Than Skin Deep

How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less, by Nicholas Boothman, is actually about How to Like Other People. When Boothman recommends adopting a pose or technique — showing that you're receptive by opening your jacket, for example — it's to connect with people, not manipulate them.

Boothman offers reminders rather than rules. Subtly imitating your acquaintance (matching or mirroring gestures and attitude) is really a cue to focus on her instead of on whether you have pumpernickel seeds in your teeth. I once read that in relationships you can choose to be "the observer" or "the observed." When you're the latter, you project your "observer" self onto the other. With your perception thus distorted, he seems stronger and you seem weaker.

You can be assertive and open and still "be yourself," as I learned last week when I tested some of Boothman's ideas.

My first discovery was that I couldn't sustain the getting-acquainted regimen without a crib sheet or cue cards. If I'm busy doing inventory — Smiling? Check. Open body language (heart to heart)? Check. Eye contact? Check — then all I'm communicating is a busy signal.

If you've ever taken a golf lesson, you'll know what I mean. Boothman's advice: If you forget everything else, focus on the target and keep practicing. Eventually you'll connect.

Adjust Your Attitude

Having a really useful attitude, says Boothman, is the most important attribute you bring to any new acquaintance.

I primed myself for social and business situations by making two resolutions. The first was simply to be helpful. The second, based on the belief that there's no such thing as a "chance meeting," was to discover why (metaphysically speaking) another person and I had been brought together.

The latter attitude was especially useful in small groups, though I learned that in larger gatherings you can't possibly gaze into everyone's soul before the time's up on your two-hour parking meter. .

On the first day of an assignment in an organization of 25 or so, I met 10 or 12 new people I'd be seeing daily or a couple of times a week. The bolder and more gregarious I became, the more I recognized some bad habits — really useless attitudes — I'd developed: being distracted: nodding and smiling but actually more concerned about whether I'd remembered to turn the thermostat down — superficially friendly: pleasant smile, gracious words but closed body language that said "go away" — self-absorbed: Do I look OK? Was that a stupid thing to say?

It was easy to refocus using Boothman's techniques, such as synchronizing with the other's manner; discerning his sensory preference (visual, auditory or kinesthetic) and re-establishing eye contact even when it seemed unnatural.

Tip: Get enough sleep. When you're really tired, you just don't care.

One More Time

Remembering names doesn't come easily to me, but in my new assignment I stuck with it. On the second and third and even the fourth day, when I couldn't remember someone's name, I simply asked. Saying, "Please tell me your name one more time" might reflect poorly on your memory but it shows you're interested.

I wondered what would happen if everyone I met had also read Boothman's book. What with the assertive handshakes and open body language, would we fracture each other's wrists or stand around looking like a bunch of inflatable clowns? As it happened, almost everyone I met last week responded beyond my expectations. They talked freely about their interests and experiences. They stopped to chat instead of sprinting by to avoid discomfort.

That's really what How to Make People Like You is all about: putting other people at ease, taking an interest in their activities and ideas, eventually finding something in common — a basis for friendship, a business relationship, maybe both.

Boothman's book goes beyond appearances. It's one thing to be attractive enough for people to want to be where you are; it's another thing to build a bridge so they can get there.

An editor since the age of 6, when she returned a love letter with corrections marked in red, Mary Campbell founded Zero Gravity in 1984 to provide writing, editing and marketing services. Small Business Builder is published on Wednesdays.