Working Wounded: Apologies at Work

— -- Q U E S T I O N: I have to apologize to a co-worker for sticking them with a bunch of extra work. This relationship is very important and I don't want to screw it up again. Can you tell me how to make an apology stick?

A N S W E R: A West Seneca, N.Y., motorist, after discovering there was a small fire in his engine, drove into a self-service car wash thinking he could use all that water to extinguish the flames. The problem? He didn't have any coins. The fire was eventually extinguished, but not before it destroyed half of the car wash's eight bays.

Just like that motorist learned, the sooner you put out a fire the less damage it will do. It's no different at work. I've included tips for delivering an effective apology below. For more, check out Lettitia Baldridge's New Complete Guide to Executive Manners (Rawson, 1993).

Finding Forgiveness

Say that you are sorry. You'll never go wrong when you start your apology with, "I'm sorry." It's amazing how much healing can come from those two simple words. The longer you talk before you say you're sorry, the greater the risk that they won't believe that you really are. So always lead with the most important part of the apology.

Admit that you were wrong. Have you ever had someone say that they were apologizing to you but it sounded like they were really blaming you for what happened? Talk about fanning the flames. That's why it's so important to clearly say that you were wrong; "It was wrong for me to take a long lunch when we're so far behind."

Acknowledge the problems you caused. Acknowledging the problems that were caused by your actions shows the apologizee that you really understand the problems you made for them. This can be quite painful, but it should make a huge difference in how the person you are apologizing to feels about your apology. You don't have to go into agonizing detail, just say enough to show them that you tried to see it all through their eyes. For example, "I should have never left work early the day before a sales presentation. I realize it created a lot of extra work for you."

Show them that you learned from the situation. Let the person know you won't repeat the error by telling them exactly what you'll do to keep it from happening again (for example, "From now on I'll ask your opinion before I make a commitment to a customer"). Another way to accomplish this is to make a joke, at your own expense of course, about what happened. Proceed down this path with caution, however; you can make things worse if they think you aren't taking the apology seriously. On the other hand, a little self-deprecating humor can go a long way toward allowing you to work together comfortably in the future.

Follow these tips and you won't only not get burned, you may actually increase the respect of your co-workers.

Online Ballot and Contest

Here are the results from a recent workingwounded.com/ABCNEWS.com online ballot: What statement best describes your mood about work going into '04?

Optimistic, 41 percent Anxious, 43.5 percent Scared, 15.3 percent

Winning Strategy

Our winning strategy for dealing with the stuff that really happens at work comes from P.M. in Chicago, Ill. "I'm a manager and this year I made an important discovery. I always said that I'm customer focused. One day I realized that the customers of my bossing are my employees. So I started listening to them. Not everything that I heard was good, but the important part is that I'm getting better. Bossing is much more about your ears than your mouth."

List of the Week

Bob Rosner is a best selling author, speaker and internationally syndicated columnist. His newest best seller, GRAY MATTERS: The Workplace Survival Guide (Wiley, 2004), is a business comic book that trades cynicism for solutions. Ask Bob a question: bob@workingwounded.com or http://graymattersbook.com

ABCNEWS.com publishes a new Working Wounded column every Friday.