Siegel Says: 'Da Vinci' Lacks Artistry

May 19, 2006 — -- Here's a word of warning to people, groups and institutions that decide to ban a movie before they've seen it. The word: Don't. Some movies are so bad they ban themselves.

"The Da Vinci Code" isn't a bad movie. But no rational human being is going to run out of the theater screaming, "I've found the Holy Grail, I've changed my life." Ron Howard did not want that, and the film is very careful to avoid it.

Another thing Howard avoids: Excitement.

The book, which sold 60 million copies, grabs you from the beginning with a chase at the Louvre. The museum's curator has a huge secret to hide. And the man pursuing him is a monk from a real order that has no monks.

The next scene sets up the novel, and should set up the film. The victim has moved his own dying body to mimic one of Da Vinci's most famous drawings. There are clues here ... and codes. There's also Tom Hanks -- a world-renowned expert in symbology -- and Audrey Tautou, a police cryptologist. What's not there? Chemistry.

When a couple has chemistry -- and it doesn't have to be boy-girl, it can be Danny Glover and Bruce Willis -- the audience cares when they're in jeopardy. Our pulse rates double. The stunts and the plot twists multiply geometrically. That's moviemaking.

But no chemistry means the audience is never proactive. We never white-knuckle the armrests and become part of it.

Instead of chemistry, we get ... talk. There is so much dialogue, if Ron Howard had phoned this in -- and had a cell plan with 450 minutes of rollover with 5,000 free nighttime minutes -- it still would've cost him $4 million.

The chase takes us through two continents and two millennuims. Halfway through, Tom Hanks says, "This is like a treasure hunt." I got excited. But here's a question: Treasure hunts are ...

A. Hard Work

B. Tedious

C. Fun

D. Boring

I thought the answer was C. I was wrong. It almost gets to be fun when Sir Ian McKellen enters the picture and presents a scenario so ludicrous, even he can't make you think he believes what he's saying. That's when the audience at Cannes laughed hard.

This film opens with Tom Hanks giving a lecture, and there are so many lectures that I started to wonder, should I pay admission ... or tuition? And when will the final paper be due? Grade: B-