The Szish Dish: Red Carpet Bootcamp

Feb. 13, 2007 — -- The countdown is on! In less than two weeks, Hollywood Boulevard will be transformed into a walkway for the toast of Tinseltown as the stars make their way into the Kodak Theater. Yep, I'm talking about the red carpet of all red carpets, the path to the Academy Awards.

On Feb. 25 we're going to be talking about who goes home with an Oscar, but let's face it -- we're also going to be talking about the stars that shined and those that fizzled. And it's not just about the dress or the tux. It's also about being in tiptop physical shape -- shiny hair, glowing skin, a svelte physique and that mysterious inner glow.

Now, that's a lot of pressure! And flawless as our favorite celebrities seem to be, I can assure you that most of them put a lot of work into looking that good, especially for the Oscars.

How do they do it? What are their secrets?

Well, I'm not only going to tell you, but I'm going to show you.

For the next 12 days, I'm going to put myself through what I call Red Carpet Boot Camp. To make sure I do it right, I've tracked down some of the experts who help get A-list celebs red carpet ready, and I've convinced them to help me get ready too. Not only will I be the guinea pig, but I'll also pass along some do-it-yourself tips for those of you who'd like to embark on your own version of Red Carpet Boot Camp at home.

In this very special series of the Szish Dish, we'll get the scoop on speedy slimming secrets and fast-acting fitness routines. We'll also undergo some rather bizarre beauty treatments.

DAY ONE

Speaking of bizarre beauty treatments, check out my first day of boot camp on video! [insert a video link here]

Fresh off the Grammy Awards carpet, I took advantage of a free afternoon in Los Angeles and headed to the Suddenly Slimmer spa in Westwood, Calif. Why Suddenly Slimmer? Well, last month at the Golden Globes, I got an inside tip from a very familiar face on the red carpet. I told her how fabulous she looked in her gown, and she admitted that less than 48 hours prior she couldn't even zip up the dress.

Her secret? The Suddenly Slimmer Slender Tone Mineral Body Wrap that promises a loss of 6 to 20 inches in an hour. Of course, I assumed it was too good to be true, so I booked an appointment to investigate.

I was welcomed into the small, unassuming facility by Afsi Naim, the spa director, who quickly explained that the wrap was not one of those treatments that simply eliminates excess water for a day or two. According to Naim, the combination of warm liquid minerals soaked in Ace bandages and tightly wrapped around the body stimulates circulation and purges puffy fat cells of toxins. After being tightly bound for an hour — face to feet — while doing "light exercise" (minimal movement on a mini trampoline or an elliptical machine), significant loss of inches is guaranteed. Even better, those inches are guaranteed to stay off unless the client gains weight.

The first step? Measurements. Yuck. To me, that's worse than stepping on a scale or shopping for bathing suits. Naim ushered me into a tiny private room and had me strip to my skivvies. She deftly (and quickly, thank goodness) used a tape measure on about 10 different body parts. Upper, middle and lower torso. Upper and lower hips, waist, thigh circumference. Upper, middle and lower arms. She actually marks the points of measurement with a ballpoint pen to ensure the post-treatment measurements are precise.

Then she instructed me to spread my legs and hold onto the wall. I don't know Ashton Kutcher, but at that awkward moment I was convinced I was being Punk'd. With impressive speed and strength, Naim swaddled me in wet, warm, stretchy bandages, occasionally checking to make sure I could still breathe.

The entire wrapping process took about seven minutes, during which I was instructed to stand in various strange positions to allow for effective wrapping (turn around and face the wall; lift up your leg; lean to the right; hold up your arms; and, my favorite: suck it in). After putting the final bandage around my head and chin, Naim put plastic bags over my feet and hands, secured by rubber bands (this is where the toxins would collect), threw a plastic cape on me for insulation and led me into the exercise room where I would spend the next hour.

Walking was difficult, but since I looked and felt like a mummy, my expectations of mobility were not high. She carefully led me to an elliptical machine and instructed me to move slowly but steadily to kick-start my circulation.

I shuffled my feet back and forth for what felt like a half an hour and asked Naim how much time I had left. She said 55 minutes.

When 15 minutes had actually passed, Naim instructed me to stop moving so she could empty my plastic bags, which had filled with liquid. I assumed it was runoff from the wet bandages, but according to Naim, it was actually toxins my body was expelling. Disgusting yet fabulous, kind of like the satisfaction derived after using those facial pore strips. Apparently, I was toxin-heavy, because I had lots of liquid in my bags -- the quantity of toxins expelled varies from client to client. (I completely blame my high-toxin level on New York Fashion Week, where sipping champagne is practically mandatory, not that I need justification, of course).

After I had fresh bags on my feet, Naim said it was time for basting. Yes, just like a turkey. Suddenly it became difficult to get the word "butterball" out of my head. Basting consisted of being squirted with the entire contents of a large squeeze bottle containing more of the warm mineral concoction. Since my bandages had cooled off, the warm liquid felt good. In fact, I got a bit chilled, so I was quickly covered up with a blanket and had a portable heater placed directly in front of me.

When 30 minutes were up (halfway there!), I was escorted to the mini trampoline. "Fun!" I thought, until I realized I had to bounce nonstop for another half an hour. The basting and bag changing continued, until we hit the hour mark. I was tired and slightly grumpy, and although I could breathe, my abdomen and ribcage were bandaged so tightly I suddenly understood what all those Victorian ladies felt like laced into those corsets. No wonder they were always fainting.

As far as I was concerned, Naim couldn't unravel the bandages fast enough. Like a turkey, I was done. But as I peered down at my belly and thighs, I was blown away by the streamlined appearance. Bumps and bulges had disappeared! My stomach was flat! Cellulite had diminished! I forgot about being naked and freezing as I watched Naim take my measurements again. She scribbled numbers, did some quick calculations, and looked at me with a huge smile. "Nine inches!"

Sure enough, when I got dressed, my jeans were loose and I felt lighter and healthier, although all I could think of doing was taking a nap. According to Naim, clients' reactions vary -- some are energized, others are sleepy.

Naim recommends that first-timers (and red carpet goers) get a wrap several times a week for the first several weeks and then do maintenance wraps about once a month. And, lucky for me -- and for you -- Suddenly Slimmer wraps are available around the country (check out www.slimwrap.com to find a location near you). That means I can stick to the program once I get back to New York City (the closest location is in New Jersey, but it's worth the drive). She also recommends drinking as much water as possible, not showering till the next morning, and avoiding sugar and alcohol to reap the maximum benefits.

Hmm. I can't help but wonder if celebrities are born with incredible willpower. I can skip a shower and guzzle water, but when it comes to avoiding sweets and treats, I am useless. So I promise myself to take her advice the minute I get back to New York.

I am on an airplane heading back East as I write this, quite resolute that the cookies I am munching will be my last indulgence till the Oscars (don't tell Naim I cheated). And, they have to be. Starting tomorrow I will embark on the Master Cleanse (I did a trial run before the Globes and couldn't believe the results. I'll be back tomorrow with the recipe and instructions). And later this week, I'll get a customized fitness program from trainer to the stars Adam Zickerman, founder of Inform Fitness.

In the meantime, just one last Pinot Grigio …

Welcome to RED CARPET BOOT CAMP! See you tomorrow…