Wolf Files: Goofy Father's Day Gifts
— -- Dads are just kids with kids — and toy companies know it. For them, Father's Day is like a mini Christmas.
Ladies, this Father's Day, you'll see a wave of toys that might appeal to your husband or your son. On Sunday, you may find your spouse as you met him back in the '80s, playing Ms. Pac-Man.
Even if your dad doesn't act like a kid, he should expect to be kidded. Mother's Day is still all roses and cards. But on Father's Day, the traditional necktie has given way to all sorts of gag gifts and gadgets, and alternative ways of saying, "Pop, you're getting a little thick around the middle."
Here's a look at some of the items to honor the biggest boy in your household.
1. For 'Formula One' Dads: The Lego Ferrari
Wouldn't you love to say you bought your dad a Ferrari? At $69.99, the Lego Ferrari might be the only model in your price range.
Lego has teamed up with the Italian carmaker Ferrari for this special gift set — a highly detailed, 14.5-inch replica of the same car Michael Schumacher is driving this Father's Day, when the U.S. Grand Prix Formula One will take place.
You get the same oversized tires and matching decals — swooning female race fans not included.
2. For 'Action Hero' Dad: The High-Tech Spider-Man Doll
Long ago, we learned that boys don't play with dolls unless they're called "action figures." Now we learn that grown men don't play with toys marked "For Ages 6 and Up" unless we tell them, "It's not really a toy, it's a collectible."
Just in time for Father's Day, Toy Biz is unveiling the new Spider-Man action figure, perhaps the most elaborate (and manly) doll ever built — with 67 different moving body parts, including moveable fingers and ankles. Eat your heart out, Barbie.
Retailing at $24.99, this 18-inch-tall action figure even has a web-slinging attachment. Dad may never play with his G.I. Joe again.
3. For 'Super Mario' Dad: Vintage Video Games
Bored of beating the daylights out of dad at Grand Auto Theft? Dad will never get the hang of new video games. Maybe it's time to try humiliating him at the same lame video games he played when he was your age. Game Boy Advance now offers a Classic NES nostalgia series with Donkey Kong, Super Mario Brothers and, of course, Pac-Man, the pellet-eating sensation that defined the Reagan era (at video arcades, anyway).
For only $19.99, you can take Pop down memory lane and leave him dead in the gutter as low-score road kill.
4. For 'Rat Pack Metrosexual' Dad: The Frank Sinatra Coin Purse
A little-known fact about Frank Sinatra: Ol' Blue Eyes hated the sound of loose change rattling around in his pockets, especially when he was in the studio. That's why he began carrying coin purses, those little rubber pouches that attach to your key chain. In the 1960s, they were everywhere, and now, Hallifson.com is mounting a coin purse renaissance, offering customized coin purse keepsakes.
The Sinatra family ordered a batch bearing a picture of the Chairman of the Board. And if you question the masculinity of a coin purse, former Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss says coin purses actually make good condom holders, and ordered suitably decorated coin purses for her boutique.
Now, for $187.50, you can have 250 customized coin pouches bearing your dad's image, so all his "Rat Pack" pals can say they got a purse for Father's Day. 5. For 'Fat Elvis' Dad: The King's Singing Cookie Jar
If Atkins isn't deflating your plump papa, he might need a life lesson from Elvis, who, in his later years, may have been referring to both his female fans and his prodigious gut when he sang "All Shook Up."
Now dad can be reminded of that classic hit each time he lifts the cover of the Elvis Singing Cookie Jar, available for $94 from Royal Appointments in Northbrook, Illinois. What better way to honor your King and still let him know that it's time to look after his rapidly expanding royal heinie?
6. For 'Wiseacre" Dad: Jackie 'The Joke Man' Martling's Insult Mirror
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's got the fattest head of all? Just ask Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling's Insult Mirror.
If you ever wondered what became of Howard Stern's former sidekick, he's now the voice in a novelty window that automatically spews abuse. Step in front of it and you'll hear, "If I had a face like that, I'd shave my butt and walk on my hands," or, "That face could give Freddie Krueger nightmares." In all, you get 67 insults for under $20. If you're paying for such abuse, at least you're getting a bargain. 7. For the 'Homer Simpson' Dad: A Home-Organizing Gift Certificate
You don't want to start a family feud by reminding dad once again that he's a lazy slob who's driving your mother crazy. Give the lazy slob a break; call in a professional. And, yes, there is a National Association of Professional Organizers.
At the Napo.net Web site, you can find seasoned professionals who will figure out how to shovel out your pa's garage, talk him into throwing out his Aca Joe sport shirts, and keep the basement from being declared a Superfund Site by the federal Environmental Protection Agency. Rates vary from $35 to $100 an hour.
Of course, six months from now, when you ask dad if he's used his Home Organizer gift certificate, he'll say, "Oh, I think it's on my desk buried under something."
8. For the 'La-Z-Boy' Dad: The Cheesecake Easy Chair
If your pop's principal pastime is melting into the living room furniture, DelightfulDeliveries.com has come up with the ultimate La-Z-Boy treat — a 14-inch easy chair made of chocolate cheesecake.
This $175 dessert serves 12 to 14, although if dad eats the whole thing, he may be stuck in the living room for good.
Buck Wolf is entertainment producerat ABCNEWS.com. The Wolf Files ispublished Tuesdays. If you want to receive weekly notice whena new column is published, join the e-maillist.