Bogus News Is an April Fools' Tradition
March 30, 2004 -- — I can tolerate "metrosexuals." But if you advocate "gancing" — the straight guy-on-guy dance trend that's supposedly sweeping the nation — you're an utter fool.
The new issue of Stuff magazine features a two-page gancing pictorial, featuring straight men whooping it up in with dance moves like "The Lumberjack" and "The Diana Ross."
Talk-show host Ryan Seacrest expressed that he was open to the idea. Jay Leno joked about it in a monologue. But the gancing trend ended even before it started, when Stuff editors shouted, "April Fools'!"
This happens every year. April Fools' Day has been a public gullibility test, even as far back as 1713, when the great satirist Jonathan Swift announced that an executed criminal would be returning from the dead to drink at a local pub.
Swift noted that Londoners showed up hoping to watch the reincarnated man down pints of ale.
Respect for the media may be at an all-time low, but some news organizations continue the tradition of issuing bogus April Fools' reports on everything from pickle farming to pet prostitution.
Let's take a look at some of the all-time April Fools' hoaxes. But before we do, remember that April 1 is just like any other day on the calendar, and solemn and tragic events have occurred on this date.
Let's also realize that some events were destined to occur on April Fools' Day, and these include the first session of Congress (1789); the introduction of the yo-yo (1929); Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker's wedding (1961); and the opening of the White House Horseshoe Pit (1988), which the first President Bush installed and President Clinton removed.
Now, let's look at what didn't happen on April Fools' Day:
Not True: Spaghetti Trees and Pickle Orchards
In 1957, BBC television reported "a record spaghetti harvest" in the Italian Alps. Video showed farmers snipping away at bounteous "spaghetti trees" with extra-large scissors. With no hint of humor, the reporter credited the bumper crop to new methods of controlling the ravenous spaghetti weevil. The BBC's switchboard was jammed with calls from hundreds of people seeking to farm spaghetti.
Paying tribute to this BBC prank in 1970, NBC commentator John Chancellor reported on America's remarkable pickle crop. The legendary news reporter showed images of what he described as "dill pickle orchards" (actually, apple trees) at the Dimbledor Pickle Farm in West Virginia.
Not True: Big Ben Goes Digital
In 1980, to keep up with the times, Big Ben would be turned into a digital clock tower, or so the BBC reported. The news organization said it received a huge number of angry calls protesting the move, as well as a few inquiries as to whether parts of the famed clock would be for sale.
Not True: Pepsi Earlobes
Want a lifetime discount on Pepsi? Just tattoo the corporate logo on your ear. National Public Radio reported that teenagers actually called the station after that 1994 April Fools' report, hoping to cash in on the promised 10 percent discount.
Not True: John and Yoko's Sex-Change Surgeries
In 1970, John Lennon and Yoko Ono released a statement saying they were about to undergo side-by-side sex-change operations. The report failed to turn Ono into a major recording artist, and Lennon never had a chance to record "Nowhere Woman." Not True: The Taco Liberty Bell
In 1996, Taco Bell announced the purchase of the Liberty Bell, which would be repaired and renamed "The Taco Liberty Bell" for use as a corporate logo. Proceeds from the sale would be used to pay down the national debt, and that's a lot of chalupas.
Taco Bell later issued a press release and apology, but not before the National Historic Park in Philadelphia, where the Liberty Bell is housed, reported thousands of people calling to protest.
These days, you don't have to ask for whom The Taco Liberty Bell tolls. It tolls for publicity, and may have inspired Burger King to introduce "The Left-Handed Whopper" and Sara Lee's "Crustless Bread," two items you'll only find on your April Fools' menu.Not True: Freewheelz
In April 2000, Esquire magazine reported on Freewheelz — a company that provided free cars that were essentially rolling billboards, with advertising on every side. Clients had to agree to drive their Freewheelz at least 300 miles a week to give the advertisers sufficient exposure.
Esquire's Ted Fishman says he wrote the article to satirize fly-by-night Internet companies with dubious business schemes. Not only was Esquire flooded with would-be "Freewheelzers," but the fictitious company's business plan was quite similar to those of several real Internet startups, which are now presumed to be dead "dot-bombs." Not True: A Rise in Pet Suicide, Pet Prostitution
What do you expect after years of lying around the house and drinking out of the toilet? In 1993, The Boston Phoenix noted a rising trend in pet suicides. Perhaps that explains all the catatonic kitties and prescriptions for puppy Prozac.
A few years earlier, New York City's Village Voice ran a story on New York's first "doggie bordello," a kennel of ill repute promising "hot bitches" for lonely mutts.
The report troubled New York's attorney general so much, he sent a subpoena to conceptual artist Joey Skaggs, who admitted that he routinely sends out April Fools' press releases, just to prove how gullible the media can be.
For the last 19 years, Skaggs has been hosting New York's April Fools' Day Parade. The event is just as real as the doggie bordello. Nobody shows up, except a few reporters, who quickly find out that they're the only fools in this parade.
Buck Wolf is entertainment producerat ABCNEWS.com. The Wolf Files ispublished Tuesdays. If you want to receive weekly notice whena new column is published, join the e-maillist.