Here's to Your Facelift: Over-the-Top Holiday Toasts

Nov. 26, 2002 -- -- Ah, Thanksgiving. The food, the family — and the chance to see your Aunt Sally's new facelift.

What do you say when you gather round the table and it's time to raise a glass? Can you address the latest family controversy?

And let's say Sally had a sex change. What do you say to the man who used to be your aunt?

A holiday toast calls for grace under pressure, and with Thanksgiving approaching, The Wolf Files called on toastmasters to help finding that special bon mot amid the strangest family circumstances.

Shotgun wedding? Messy divorce? Criminal investigation? Don't despair. Where there's family, there's controversy.

"Finding the right words is an art," says Jeff Herman, co-author of Toasts for All Occasions (Career Press), a compilation of famous toasts. "It's actually a great opportunity to defuse a tense situation." ‘To Your New Life …’Herman's collection even includes a joking toast for a transsexual aunt: "Lipstick, blush, powder and paint, made a former man be what he ain't. But now that you have taken the plunge, be glad you'll never need the sponge."

Etiquette expert Wilvia Medina in Baltimore says it's fine to make a joke about sexuality — as long as it's not mocking.

Her toast for an uncle-turned-aunt: "To your new life. We loved you in a suit and tie, and we'll love you in a blouse and skirt."

You don't need to shy away from sensitive situations — as long as you can cut through the tension with candor and compassion. Nance Guilmartin, author of Healing Conversations (Jossey Bass), says one of the best laughs she ever had was at her mother's funeral two years ago.

The family gathered at a lake in North Carolina. Only a few months earlier, Guilmartin's father had been cremated, and as her brother began to cast their mother's ashes into the water, he lifted the urn and said, "Gee Mom, you weigh more than Dad."

Jokes can backfire. It might be easier to salute the clan with a perfunctory, "Here's mud in your eye." But if you do, be sure to cite the esteemed authors of that classic — The Three Stooges.

Many people become so flustered, they consult professionals — like the ones at InstantWeddingtoasts.com that charge $65 for customized speeches from professional toastmasters.

"We got the idea after watching a best man make a fool of himself," says Rick Peczonka, of Mesa, Ariz., who started the site last year with his wife.

"People will pay for a good toast and seek help writing it, because it's one of the most important things he'll ever do."

The Wolf Files asked some pros for over-the-top toasts for strange situations. These toasts should be used advisedly — or you might not be invited anywhere next year. Of course, that might be your ulterior motive. Toast-O-Matic FunOn a shotgun wedding: "To a couple who always believed in dessert before the meal. May your life be filled with joy and wonderful surprises." — Herman

On a young man's new body piercing: "Here's to a real stud — the one in your tongue." — Malcolm Kushner, Vintage Humor For Wine Lovers (Kushner & Associates)

On a breast augmentation: "May your B-cups runneth over."— Herman

On plastic surgery: "We're grateful for Aunt Alice's successful plastic surgery this year. We're sorry that she couldn't be here with us. Or maybe she is and nobody recognized her." — Gene Perret, author of Roasts and Toasts (Stearling Press)

On a fourth marriage: "May your optimism be outweighed only by the terms of your prenup." — Herman

On a messy divorce: "On this Thanksgiving, let's remember Zsa Zsa Gabor, who never hated a man enough to give him back his diamond." — Kushner

On a stock fraud investigation: "May whatever they discover be a boost to your career and not a bust to your rear." — Herman

On no-show relatives: "Before we give thanks let's remember those who are not here with us. Some have gone to their reward. Others just had tickets for the football game." — Perret

On dieting: "Here's to the turkey, here's to the pie, here's to the scales that make us all cry." — Herman

On your daughter marrying into a family of cannibals: "May the skin of your bum never cover a drum."— Herman.

On families who obsess over terrorism: "May we be happy and may our enemies always know it." — Herman

Buck Wolf is entertainment producerat ABCNEWS.com. The Wolf Files ispublished Tuesdays. If you want to receive weekly notice whena new column is published, join the e-maillist.