Patently Weird Patents

Aug. 21, 2001 — -- Ladies, you don't need to be a mutant to enjoy three-legged pantyhose. If one U.S. inventor has his way, all women will soon enjoy an extra appendage on their underwear.

It's an age-old problem: You get up extra-early for work, pick out just the perfect outfit, and get to your desk only to find an unsightly run in your hosiery.

Helpless? Not anymore. Not with "Panty Hose X 3" (U.S. Patent No. 5,713,081). With this newfangled contraption, you just simply — and, we assume, privately — rotate the pantyhose and slip your leg into a new, unblemished leg.

The damaged hosiery leg then tucks into a crotch pocket.

Does that sound uncomfortable? Will there be an unsightly bulge? The public will just have to wait to find out.

"You might think that's crazy. But that invention has gone a lot further than most," said Ted VanCleave, who began poring over patent requests after trying to register his own invention — inflatable greeting cards.

Each year, the federal government grants about 150,000 patents. Only about 3 percent become commercially viable products. The rest are just ideas gathering dust at the U.S. Patent Repository.

VanCleave gave up on inflatable greeting cards after he found out just how many patents the United States has given to inventors with blow-up innovations.

"There's even a patent for inflatable furniture. It's not even a novelty," he says. "This is a plan for a bed filled with helium. You'd use it in a small apartment to save space. When you get up in the morning, it would just float up to the ceiling."

In VanCleave's Totally Absurd Inventions, (Andrews McMeel Publishing) you'll find some of the stranger ideas that folks have been trying to parlay into fortunes.

To be sure, the next Hula-Hoop is out there. Someone will strike it rich, while millions of others will have nothing to show after the thousands of dollars in legal bills required to register an invention with the U.S. Patent Office. Legal fees are estimated to begin at $2,500.

Madam, Your Baby's Diaper Is Blinking

But that hardly stops a dreamer. VanCleave documents plans for the diaper alarm (U.S. Patent No. 4,205,672). A gizmo that will let daddy know when junior has wet his diaper (without daddy having to test with his finger). It works with a simple sensor that clamps to baby's diaper. But moisture and electricity don't go well together. Will it turn into a little electric shock therapy for those in need of potty training?

And what about the abject humiliation associated with that blinking light that lets the world know your kid is in dire need of a fresh diaper. It sounds like years of future therapy for parent and child.

Just remember, they probably laughed at the man who invented the crouton. And if nobody ever patented the crouton, somebody should.

Here are some of my favorites from VanCleave's book:

Toilet Landing Lights (U.S. Patent No. 5, 263,209)Bad potty etiquette has threatened many relationships. When he forgets to put the seat down and she falls into the toilet, it's war. But now you can feel like you're piloting a jumbo jet when you make that midnight trip to the bathroom — with toilet landing lights. With waterproof, indirect lighting, you'll be assured a "safe landing." The mystical evening glow promises to add luster to your porcelain throne.

Bunny Syringe (U.S. Patent No. 3,299,891)Who didn't hate going to the pediatrician? Admit it, when it came time for that inoculation, we all cried. But what if the needle didn't look like a needle? What if the needle were shaped like a fuzzy, wuzzy little bunny? I say, any spike headed for my bottom is scary stuff. But what do I know? The bunny syringe might lend a new meaning to, "What's up, Doc?"

Hospital Happiness (U.S. Patent No. 6,012,168)This has my vote for a can't-miss invention — a modest flap for hospital gowns. It's bad enough you need surgery. What's worse is that your friends and relatives come visiting and your butt is hanging out of the requisite hospital attire. It works, more or less, just like the mud flap on a small truck.

All-Terrain Stroller (U.S. Patent No. 2,422,254)You're a mom on the go. How do you deal with pushy crowds, broken sidewalks and danger at every corner? Just put junior in a kiddie-sized tank, complete with treds that promise to climb the most rugged terrain. For a country that turns to SUVs to command the road, this is a natural.

Human-Shaped Decorative Veggies (U.S. Patent No. 4,827,666)Iron Chef never thought of this: Zucchini shaped like a human head. This invention allows ordinary vegetables to grow into all sorts of decorative shapes — including a human head. Not too many years ago, folks in a small town thought it was a miracle when they found a breakfast Danish bearing an uncanny resemblance to Mother Teresa. Imagine what would happen if you could grow a David Hasselhoff gourd head in your own back yard.

Buck Wolf is entertainment producerat ABCNEWS.com. The Wolf Files ispublished Tuesdays and Thursdays. If you want to receive weekly notice whena new column is published, join the e-maillist.