Minnelli and Gest's PR-Fueled Feud

Oct. 23, 2003 -- Sorry I've been gone for so long, but I was spending time in a separate box from David Blaine, only no one knew and they forgot to let me out.

If you don't believe that, maybe you'll believe I've been in treatment after the J.Lo and Ben wedding was called off. I was supposed to make the rice bags to throw at the bride and groom.

So, I've decided to dig my claws right in with a cynical, dark, sarcastic column blasting those who have made very poor behavioral choices during my brief absence.

My first inclination was to dedicate the whole column to berating Britney Spears for turning into a full-on 2004 version of Madonna from the late '80s/early '90s.

To put it simply, Madonna did the whole "Hi, I'm a hussy" thing first, so it's old. What's more, when Madonna performs in public, she actually sings, and that's always been the case. This cannot be said for Spears, who has decided that acting like a tramp for tabloid fodder is far more lucrative than being a singer.

Maybe folks have finally gotten tired of focusing on Britney's bod and the belly button and they'd like a little quality music from the gal. Then again, Britney may no longer have what it takes to keep the masses interested in her vocal cords and her last attempt is to go the way of the vamp if she wants to stay a floating garnish in the big cocktail of musical celebs.

Alternately, it could be that Justin Timberlake actually hurt this girl so badly she doesn't know what to do to get back at him, so she's lost her mind like a heartbroken adolescent.

You make the call.

My second inclination was to go full throttle on Meg Ryan for turning her lips into two super-absorbent paper towel rolls. She now looks reminiscent of Fat Albert, or perhaps his pal Weird Harold. It's a shame, because she was aging nicely. Not too many women are considered out-and-out "cute" in their 40s. She's still talented, though. More than I can say for the aforementioned Britney.

But I'll leave those ladies alone for now, so I can add two other kitties to my litter box of rants — David Gest and Liza Minnelli.

In truth, I thought there could be no sight more horrid than the couple's ill-fated wedding photo with best man Michael Jackson and maid of honor Elizabeth Taylor. Perhaps you remember the foldout in People magazine that looked like a picture of the modern-day Addams Family sporting oversized diamonds.

But then Gest filed a $10 million lawsuit against his wife, and his allegations have created visuals in my mind of a drunken Liza punching him about the head and in the gut.

Of course, these are still just allegations. Gest's lawyer, Raoul Felder, said his client suffered neurological damage and headaches from the attacks. He is being treated at a rehabilitation clinic in Honolulu, where he supposedly takes 11 medications a day.

A Call for ‘Respect and Dignity’

Minnelli reacted a day later by filing for divorce, issuing this public statement:

"I hoped very much that the end of my marriage would be handled with mutual respect and dignity. The allegations in this lawsuit are hurtful and without merit. My lawyers will respond to the lawsuit in the proper forum. I will continue to focus on my work, my sobriety and my fans who have been so wonderful to me."

Why all this now? They had been separated for quite some time.

One theory: Gest didn't think he was going to get his fair share in the breakup.

Another theory: These two actually went crackers.

I think it's a little of both.

Be honest. Who believed in this marriage? The 50-year-old Gest had never before been married. The show business producer and promoter had been long rumored to favor the company of men far more than women. Minnelli, 57, had been married three times.

All you had to do was get a look at that kiss at the wedding and you knew something was amiss.

David launched his tongue down Liza's throat like a nuclear missile heading for an enemy sub — in this case tonsil — and you should've known something wasn't right. If she did punch him in the stomach, she owed it to him for that kiss!

All-Talk Marriage Goes on TourAfter their outrageously expensive, over-the-top wedding, Liza and David appeared on every talk show and magazine they could get on, soaking up every drop of free publicity.

Over the first year of their short-lived, 16-month fiasco, they made no less than 20 television appearances — talking about nothing but their so-called marriage.

You have to ask one simple question: "Why?"

What reason would a married celebrity couple have for flaunting the daylights out of their union unless they are trying to convince the public that they're happy when they're not? These two made it their everyday business to try and come off like they were the new Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward.

The fact is, they were just ridiculously spotlight-hungry. And in my opinion, Gest is more to blame than Minnelli, who's had her share of the spotlight, both wanted and unwanted.

In most interviews, Gest treated Minnelli like a puppet. He'd answer her questions, tell people how he made her lose 50 pounds in eight weeks, stopped her drinking and pill-popping, made her the happiest woman on Earth. Yada yada yada! He bragged about how they were going to adopt a bevy of children so they could be the Brady Bunch of Manhattan. She sat idly at his side, saying very little and smiling as best she could.

It got so out of hand that Gest went so far as to make a deal with VH-1 to have a reality show based on their domestic life. But the show was canceled after producers claimed Gest was impossible to work with. The couple later filed a lawsuit against the network.

Of course, other couples have traveled the reality TV route, most recently Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey on MTV. However, their relationship is far more believable than David and Liza, and they're far more appealing to look at in a connubial state.

Did anyone ever believe in Liza and David, except perhaps for Michael Jackson?

When word came that the two split, my response was, "Duh!"

This crazy suit is no surprise. I think it's just phase two of another ridiculous round of publicity stunts that will be pulled by a couple of cats who are likely to need at least nine lives to straighten out their karma.

My most favorite part of this whole nonsense is Liza's demand to be treated with "dignity" and "respect" during the legal proceedings.

It's ironic, really. Why in the world would they treat each other with dignity and respect when they clearly never had it for the public?

Heidi Oringer is director of entertainment programming at ABCNEWS Radio.