Showbiz Commentary: Top 10 for 2002

Jan. 9, 2003 -- First things first, Happy New Year one and all!

Now that the niceties are out of the way, let's turn our attention to the horrific reality television that is soon to come our way.

I was certain that The Anna Nicole Show was the bottom of the proverbial barrel. How long can you listen to someone discuss passing waste after an eating contest or watch a dog hump a stuffed animal?

I was wrong.

It seems when it comes to reality television, the barrel has a bottom that supercedes the depths of digging to China. Joe Millionaire: Rich Man, Poor Man

You may think I'm talking about Joe Millionaire, wherein a hunkadelic, rich (but really not rich … but maybe rich after all) guy who woos ladies interested in his bulging pectorals and his assumed LOOTious maximus.

This doesn't bother me. It's a ratings phenomenon. Does this mean it's quality programming? Hell no! It means women (and I'm guessing the audience is primarily women) still fantasize about the good-looking prince on the white horse who can whisk them away to their dream world.

The twist with Joe, aka Evan Marriott, is that he's allegedly broke and the gals don't know. Then, the ladies have to reassess, and to put it bluntly, they must ask themselves, "Is love stronger than cash?"

But rumors are already flying that it's more than just a coincidence that Mr. Marriott's name is synonymous with an international resort empire. Maybe Joe is a millionaire after all.

True or not, what does it matter to me? If I'm not seeing the cash or getting a piece o' Joe (like a cup o' Joe, only more filling), then what difference does it make either way? So, we'll see …

More unimportantly, here's what else we'll see in reality TV. Here's a look at three shows in development at Fox.

Man vs. Beast: The Island of Dr. Moronic

Your initial reaction to Man vs. Beast may be this, "Gee, are Harrison Ford and Marilyn Manson going to go at it?" However, when they say "beast," they really mean beast.

Producers of this piece of brain poop pit dwarves against elephants in a struggle to drag an airplane across a field. In another segment, hotdog eating champion Takeru Kobayashi tries to scoff down more food than a half-ton Kodiak bear. (Big whoop! I can do this during that time of the month!)

You'll also get to see a tug of war between a sumo wrestler and an orangutan. (How 'bout they play Jeopardy! instead?)

Obviously the prizes can't be the same for the humans and the animals. I see Kobayashi finding little satisfaction in getting a piece of raw fish thrown into his mouth for having proving digestive superiority over a bear. At the same time, I hardly think the bear would appreciate an all-expense paid trip for two to a Sandals resort in Jamaica.

Man has fought beast for thousands of years, but it's mostly had to do with survival, not choice. It is to no one's credit that competition of this nature has been brought to fruition.

More than likely, a handful of loonies out there will watch this thing and head to the nearest zoo to start oodles of trouble. It also terrifies me to think what the adult film industry may find acceptable if this show flies … (Hey, don't tell me it didn't cross your mind.)

Miss Bitch: Doggie-Style Beauty Pageants

Don't fret if this isn't your cup of tea, my pet. Perhaps a show entitled Miss Bitch is more your speed. Again, at first title glance, you may perceive the content to be different than what it is. It is not mothers-in-law competing against one another in the pain-in-the-rear category. Nor is it mudslinging divas demanding bottled water from the tops of remote icebergs.

Miss Bitch could also be called Miss American Dog. It's a beauty pageant for female canines selected from all 50 states to compete tail-to-tail in a number of categories.

This could be humorous as some people tend to go all-out with their pooches, but with real competitions like the Westminster Kennel Club available to view, I'm not sure what this will bring to television that hasn't been seen before.

101 Things I Don't Need to See

Finally (who am I kidding? It's never finally, when were talking about reality TV) there's 101 Things Removed From the Human Body. Now, I don't know about you, but if it isn't part of the body and has to be extracted from the body, I don't want to see it.

This program is described as a collection of strange-but-true stories about people who have either ingested or been impaled by foreign objects and survived.

We already have on cable a plethora of medical and science channels on cable for this type of gross viewing. And if you don't have cable, you can probably just can sneak into an emergency room at your local hospital and get your fill of atrocities like this. Poverty, Cancer, War: That's Reality

All in all, it pains me to see that the genre of reality television continues to descend into oblivion. With our own day-to-day realities of impending war, poverty, cancer and the like, I fail to see how far-fetched, disturbing television can add value or even enhance our viewing pleasure in any way.

If you want to show me Man vs. Beast, then televise the day we finally capture Osama bin Laden.

Miss Bitch I don't need because I'm constantly stepping over dog poop on the sidewalks, and there's nothing pretty about it.

And in regards to seeing things ripped out of people's bodies, just go to the toy store and pick up the game Operation.

Heidi Oringer is director of entertainment programming at ABCNEWS Radio.