A New Low, Even for Reality TV
Aug. 6, 2002 -- To quote a wiseguy friend of mine, I must ask the question, "What, are you freakin' kiddin' me?"
I have spent some 20 years trying to develop a career for myself. Although some of you don't believe it, I actually graduated from college as a journalism major. I've done stand-up comedy, written and produced stage shows, and currently work as a broadcaster and write my dicey little column for ABCNEWS.com.
Some folks consider these major achievements, although truthfully, I've failed myself. I always wanted my own TV show — a very open talk show to actually speak about the things I write about and believe in, the things I think other people find interesting.
I thought I went about it the right way. Apparently I did not. So, buckos, I'm making some changes.
Pathways to Imperfection
Effective immediately, I'm getting a breast enhancement — going from "none of your business" to size 44 Triple Q.
I'm going to dye my hair from its original color of "none of your business" to platinum-ish blond.
I'm going to increase my weight by at least 40 pounds, which will bring me up to a bouncing "none of your business."
I'm going to find myself a semiconscious, drooling 80-pluser who has a half-lung of air left in his chest and a half-billion in the bank. And I'm going to start drinking a lot to wash down pills, which I'm also going to take a lot of each and every day. Then, maybe then, I'll get my own show.
It worked for Anna Nicole Smith!
And so it bears repeating: "What, are you freakin' kiddin' me?" The Anna Nicole Show on E! confirms my worst fear — television programming has hit the skids.
This visual, aural and mental abomination combines the worst elements of someone's life and displays them for the world to ogle and gasp over.
It's like Fear Factor meets I Failed at the Betty Ford Clinic. The only thing that could make this program more pathetic would be adding guest appearances by Elizabeth Taylor and Michael Jackson as the live-in maid and butler.
‘Do You Love Me More Than All the Fishy-Wishys?’
Anna Nicole is acting crazy. Either she's on heavy medication or she's 11 ounces short of a can of Diet Coke. In her debut half-hour episode, she searched for a home to rent. She spoke cotton-mouthed gibberish and seemed to space out in mid-sentence.
She conducted an incoherent conversation on the phone with her teenage son that made me want to vomit. "Do you love me more than all the fishy-wishys in the sea?" Was she kidding-widding?! I considered calling children's services to see if I had any juice to get the kid immediately taken into protective custody.
She confessed to being sexless for two years, in need of a good "orgy" and groaned as she felt up a wall. And she did all this in front of a camera.
Believe it or not, the pragmatist in me was thinking; "Didn't she suck (figuratively) $80 million out of the estate of her deceased husband, J. Howard Marshall?" So, naturally I think "Why's she renting?" After seeing her repugnant behavior, my answer would be that she needs to hold onto $79 million for booze, drugs and fudge.
The former Playboy Playmate has ballooned up again, but she never dresses to reflect the change in her weight. She had on a top that was so low-cut and short that it actually looked like she was trying to wear a washcloth.
She made the gals on The Jerry Springer Show look like they are conservatively dressed. I'm the first one to admit that weight problems are a beast, but if you decide to pack it on, then PUT IT ON. Her appearance only adds to the sadness and calamity of the whole situation. The Nonsense Must End
If you think I'm cruel and poking outrageous fun, I'm not. I'm furious! The woman has obviously got some critically serious problems, not to be taken lightly and certainly not to be lauded by giving her a television show.
E!, in all its infinite wisdom, decided to invest real money into a program that openly makes fun of this 34-year-old woman. It's like they actually bought the rights for everyone to laugh at her.
At the risk of beating the dead horse, I'll say it again: Reality TV has gone too far.
This time, it took a step right off the map. It was one thing to get caught up in Survivor and Chains of Love and The Bachelor. These shows were/are mindless and ridiculous, but they didn't/don't seem hurtful.
Even The Osbournes, for all its vulgarity, offers some humor and compelling family dynamics. The Anna Nicole Show seems as if were created solely to allow audiences to revel in the unraveling of a woman's life. And revel they did, with the E! network receiving its highest ratings ever for a program premiere. This atrocity pulled in a whopping 4.1 rating, which translates to 4 million viewers, making it the best debut for a reality show on cable. Shame on us!
This nonsense has got to stop. The money being wasted on producing and broadcasting a piece of garbage of this nature could certainly be used more effectively. How about donating the cash to pay rehab bills for the many Hollywood celebrities who seem to need it as of late? Then do a show on their return to sobriety.
How about creating a fund to help older actors who are down on their luck? You know, the actors who actually participated in quality programs all those years ago, when they were overworked, but not overpaid.
My advice is to not turn on this insult of a program. Instead, use your time more efficiently, which would virtually be doing anything BUT watching The Anna Nicole Show. If you must be engrossed in the tube, then sit down and think of three show ideas that would be better than this. Even if you're not a television person, you can't lose.
As far as TV goes, there's really nothing left to lose!
Heidi Oringer is director of entertainment programming at ABCNEWS Radio.