Showbiz Commentary: Heidi Oringer

June 15, 2001 -- Did you feel the world spin off its axis recently? You may have thought you had one too many "hard" lemonades, but, in fact, the very universe we occupy did go into a bit of a tailspin for a short while.

The reason for the equatorial chaos: A rumor circulating that Britney Spears and 'N Sync's frontman/boy (depends on who you ask) Justin Timberlake were killed in a car accident.

It was only a rumor and it was quickly squashed, but it did cause a panic to ensue nonetheless.

It seems a couple of wisenheimer DJs decided it would be uproariously funny to spread the word that two of music's hottest pop stars were finito. The fans who heard this did NOT think it was funny. The Los Angeles police and fire departments and L.A.-area hospitals that were bombarded with phone calls did NOT think it was funny. Britney and Justin did NOT think it was funny (according to their publicists … of course!)

Consensus: It was NOT funny!

Once the smelling salts kicked in and I put some ice on my head following the fall, I started wondering, "What WOULD it be like if such a catastrophic event did occur?" (Actually, at first I thought, "Bummer! She waited to 'do it' with him for nothing!." At least that's what she said.)

A Global Britney Crisis

Quite honestly, if Britney and Justin were to shuffle off their mortal coils (the proper British way of saying "die"), it would be the first time two musical entities of such magnitude bit it at the same time. Sure, there was the Big Bopper-Ritchie Valens-Buddy Holly plane crash almost 40 years ago, but they were in the early stages of being big when they died. Spears and Timberlake are already crazy big.

The impact on the economy alone would be staggering. Virtually every major company has some facet of product linked to Spears and or 'N Sync. T-shirts, notebooks, clothes, mugs, soda, auto accessories … you name it. If a company can make a product with them on it, near it, using it, promoting it or buying it, they do it.

There would be job layoffs.

Think of all those people whose main function it is to get up every morning, head to the office and put the Britney Spears mini pocket mirror in its plastic floral case. How about the people in China who make sure the 'N Sync umbrella opens and closes properly before its sent to packaging and overseas distribution? These people would be unemployed. They would be forced to go on the dole. Their families would suffer. Their eldest children would feel obligated to quit school and help out financially. They'd probably start smoking cigarettes because of the pressure they were under, if they weren't smoking already.

Indeed, Justin and Britney's demise would trigger a global daisy chain of death and an economic downturn of biblical proportions.

Then there's the emotional devastation their deaths would cause to the millions of fans. Teenagers would throw themselves in front of buses (emotionally destructive to the drivers and passengers as well). Girls would stop eating (the ones that still do). The families of these teens, in turn, would be affected by their disturbing behavior. Rebellion, hatred, blame, therapy … the whole ugly cycle.

But wait, there's more.

Crowded vigils would be held around the globe. These gatherings would be so over capacity, candles would be dropped, fires started. In the dash to get away, people would be crushed, property destroyed. Countries in turmoil … news organizations scrambling to get the story.

I weep at the thought of it all.

Who Would Rise From the Ashes?

Of course there would be those people who would remain untouched by the whole thing (Marilyn Manson fans, the elderly, a guy I know named Al, and maybe Christina Aguilera and The Backstreet Boys). They would eventually be the ones who would keep the rest of the world functioning through these hard times. (Eek!)

And sure, we could search for replacements for Britney, although many would argue there is simply no such entity. There is a gaggle of young female solo artists who are doing quite well and could help pick up the pieces. And perhaps to deal with the grieving, the Britney fans at large would cling to one of these gals — be it Christina, Pink, Jessica Simpson. They might even turn back to Mariah out of total despair (then again, maybe not.)

As for the remaining members of 'N Sync, I'm sure out of respect for their dead brother, they would say they could never replace Justin, but they would. (Money is a powerful ally.) The most loyal fans would remain with the group out of respect for the dead. Others would switch sides, turning to the Backstreet Boys. Or perhaps they would branch out to B.B. Mak, O-Town, 98 Degrees, whatever band of hotties best helped ease the pain.

Whatever the case, it wouldn't be pretty.

Regardless of what you think about Ms. Spears and/or Mr. Timberlake, they are part of something much bigger than the sum of us.

And since I've explained how their not being here would bring far greater trouble than their being here does, let me be the first to wish them long, happy, prosperous lives, so that I can get on with mine.

Heidi Oringer is director of entertainment programming at ABCNEWS Radio.