Show Business Commentary: Heidi Oringer

Aug. 16, 2000 -- Oh brother! I’m wondering what little Lola — aka Lourdes Ciccone Leon — must have said when mama Madonna produced a little brother for her — and named him Rocco Ritchie.

Madonna gave birth to the bambino on Aug. 11. Congratulations are due to mommy and daddy Guy Ritchie, but what the devil was she thinking — naming her kid after a potential member of the Sopranos cast?!?

Sure, realistically speaking, you can call your kids whatever you want. After all, they’re your kids. You give birth to them, adopt them, raise them, pay for them, so you do have the right to tag ’em up as you see fit. But c’mon — that kid has to live with the label you’ve chosen for him for the rest of his days.

Or do they?

Zowie, It’s a Bowie!

Take for instance David Bowie’s first child, named Zowie. (Why would they do this to him? They obviously ran out of Scrabble letters.) The boy, born in 1971, has gone through a throng of names. Apparently not too happy with mom and dad’s first choice, he has, in recent years, settled on “Duncan.” (And not as in Hines, ’cause life as a Bowie surely isn’t a piece of cake!)

Mr. Bowie (né David Jones) and his second wife, supermodel Iman, have just had their first child together. They have bestowed upon the little darling the name Alexandria Zahra Jones. This is rather staid based on Zowie and Zulekah, which is the name of Iman’s daughter from a previous marriage. (I know, I know, I know … Iman is Somali and these names have meaning.)

One could go the way of the Zappas: Moon Unit, Dweezil, Ahmet Rodan and Diva. These handles cannot be explained by religious affiliation or ethnic background. They apparently just struck the fancy of Mr. and Mrs. Zappa. Unusual fancy, yes, but then Frank Zappa was hardly conventional.

This might lead one to think that using odd monikers is a tendency limited to out-there rock stars or at least the musically inclined, but that is not so.

Case in point: The former Mr. and Mrs. Willis, otherwise known as Bruce and Demi. Their three daughters were given the “gift” of being curiously named as well. Here we have Rumer Glenn, Scout Larue and Tallulah Belle. (Granted, Ms. Moore’s name isn’t exactly average, but is turnabout fair play?)

Playground Confrontations

I don’t know how the Willis trio truly feels about their names, but I do know kids are kids. And although the world has changed, most children act the same way they did back in the days of the Little Rascals. There’s always a bully and teasing is as much a part of life as breathing and collecting Pokémon cards.

I would imagine during recess at school, these girls are subjected to at least a hair of ridicule from some toughie on the monkey bars. Cries of “Hey Scout, are you Boy or Cub?” must abound.

Should this be avoided?

Let’s face it … the most common names for babies nowadays don’t offer much distinction. According to babynames.com, the most popular names in 1999 were Michael for boys and Emily for girls. These names are nice, but there’s nothing great about being in a room when someone says “Hey Michael,” and 30 people turn around and go “What?” But it may be better than being in a room and having someone say “Hey Ramla” (listed on babyzone.com as one of the “coolest” names for 2000) and having everyone turn around and go, “What the hell did they just call her?”

I’m all for being different and unique (although I’d prefer to have a name that isn’t shared primarily with dachshunds and fictional Swiss heroines), but there’s a limit as to what you should try to achieve through name alone.

I say let babies develop into the individuals they will be with no false expectations based on what they are called. It just doesn’t compute that a guy going out on a date with a Mary would be afforded the same possibilities as he would going out on a date with a Tallulah. Nor would one expect the same performance on a football field from a Dweezil as they would from a Rocco.

Then again, I’m thinking about how children in the “every day” world would be affected by these names. But the truth is, the kids with these names are certainly not living in the “every day” world. They are living in a facsimile of everyone else’s world because their parents aren’t average people.

And, although their mothers and fathers swear they work diligently to make sure their kinder lead regular lives and are not foisted into the world of celebritydom, it’s hard not to let what they do for a living affect the children. And it’s even harder to fathom, as they say, that their kids will grow up just like “regular” children do.

Because I can’t think of an instance where any kids I knew said they couldn’t come out and play because they were going to the Hollywood premiere party for a new Disney film. And I certainly can’t remember the last time I walked into a fast-food restaurant in Hollywood and saw a teen behind the counter named Zowie, Scout or Diva.

And as for Rocco Ritchie, best of luck, little fella. Then, again, you don’t require much luck when your mother is named Madonna.

Heidi Oringer is director of entertainment programming at ABCNEWS Radio.