Casting the 'Sweet Valley High' Movie

Nov. 25, 2011 — -- When I heard that Diablo Cody had signed on to write the big-screen version of my beloved "Sweet Valley High" series, I died a little inside. In a good way.

You see, I'm such a hardcore SVH fan that I collect the series and read them on the regular. I am still not over the butchering that occurred when SVH became a TV show, starring a bunch of losers who had no business tainting Francine Pascal's vision. However, Diablo Cody I trust. Mostly.

I'm thrilled to learn that the film will be taking place in the '80s, which means it will, hopefully, be inspired aesthetically by the original book covers, recognizable by their soft-focus-colored pencil drawings. However, I'm concerned that Diablo might need help casting the film. I'll never forgive her if Lila Fowler is played by, shudder, Megan Fox, or Bruce Patman's brawny bad boy is ruined by faux badass Shia LeBeouf. Diablo, I hope you are reading.

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Elizabeth Wakefield

As far as the twins Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield are concerned, the filmmakers are either going to have to find a pair of twins that can act or cast a bigger star to play both twins with the help of some CGI action. I'm guessing they'll go with a latter, in which case, I have a suggestion: Amanda Seyfried! She's a carbon copy of the way the twins are described in the book: "perfect size 6 figure" and "blue-green eyes the color of the Pacific," plus, I think she could totally pull-off the twins' polar opposite personalities. Boring, do-gooder Elizabeth...

Jessica Wakefield

...and sassy Jessica! (I say that with affection, as Jess was my favorite. Also, if anyone was having sex, it was probably Liz, considering she was with Todd for almost all of high school. Jessica was just letting boys undo her bikini top and staying out all night with mustached college guys.)

Lila Fowler

Lila Fowler, Jessica Wakefield's best friend, should be played by Leighton Meester. I'm sorry, but rich witch Blair Waldorf was totally modeled after Lila, so this role would not be a stretch in the slightest.

Bruce Patman

Oh, Bruce Patman, what a complicated man you are. Semi-newcomer Kellan Lutz has the sexy, mean bad boy thing down.

Enid Rollins

I always kind of hated Elizabeth's best friend Enid Rollins. She was dorky and a goody-goody like Elizabeth, so she should be played by someone on the mousier, tomboyish side, like Ellen Page.

Amy Sutton

Amy Sutton was Elizabeth's bestie in middle school, but then she moved away, turned into a snotty snob and then moved back to town, only to become new besties with Jessica. I don't know if Kristin Cavallari can act, but sister looks and acts just like her on "The Hills."

Todd Wilkins

Todd Wilkins was the best out of Elizabeth's lame boyfriends. I would sex him up by casting that hottie Zac Effron.

Regina Morrow

It will take a real actress to play Regina Morrow, the deaf girlfriend of Bruce Patman, who dies of a cocaine overdose. Emma Watson should have the chops.

Lynne Henry

Lynne Henry was a much smaller character in the series, but as I was doing research, I was struck by how edgy and indie rock Lynne's look was back then. Alexa Chung would be all over that.