¡Ya Basta! Enough!

— -- DOMESTIC ABUSE

A pent-up anger that only Miguel* could understand led to a game Victoria* feared. To calm whatever fury Miguel felt, he'd corner his nineteen-year-old wife and aim his fist at her, and after taunting her, strike. He intentionally missed most of the time, but kept swinging just to get her reaction. For him, watching her dodge was part of the fun. Sometimes, he'd pound the wall with a knife instead of his fist. What was certain was that the mist that sprayed from his breath as he yelled always reeked of beer. And after he spit on her, as he often did, so did her face and clothes. And he never let up, even when she was carrying his child. At five months pregnant, a well-placed blow to her temple caused her to lose consciousness and fall to the floor.

There were no signs that the handsome young man she'd met at the local San Antonio public pool when she was 15 would turn out to be such a savage. She was charmed by his winning personality, long hair and the muscular physique, and their innocent chatting eventually became sexual. But when Victoria's parents discovered Miguel had taken her virginity, they forced the teenagers to marry. It wasn't until the newlyweds moved into their own place after spending several months living with Victoria's parents that he became controlling and violent.

According to the Department of Justice, domestic violence is "a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner." The abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional or economic. Although the latest statistics indicate that a small percentage of men are abused, women bear the brunt of severe injuries and are more likely to fear for their lives.

According to figures from Bureau of Justice Statistics, about 510,970 American women over age 12 experienced physical partner abuse in the five-year period up to 2005. This situation is not better for latin women of the United States. During that same period, it is estimated that more than 70,000 hispanic women over age 12, experienced domestic abuse. "It's one of the least reported incidents," says Angela Londoño-McConnell, Ph.D, a psychologist specializing in abusive relationships. She adds: "In our Hispanic community especially, there are social pressures and cultural beliefs that it's not OK to talk about our dirty laundry, or many times there are women who are here illegally and fear deportation. The actual rates may be higher."

UNDER HIS THUMB

Victoria was shocked when Miguel started hitting her. Growing up in a middle-class home in San Antonio, she had never witnessed any physical abuse between her parents. But that did not make them sympathetic to her situation. When she tried to talk to her mother about any marital issues, the response was always the same: You made your bed, now lie in it. And Miguel justified hitting his wife by blaming her for what was going wrong in their married life. No matter what, it was her fault. And when she eventually started working, he came up with more reasons to hit her. If Victoria wasn't home on time because the bus ran late, she got hit. If she was not at her desk during lunch when he called, she got hit. And, once when a male colleague called to see if she was feeling better after missing a couple of days of work, Miguel made it an excuse to hit her. The combination of fear and low-self esteem might have been enough to keep her involved in the relationship. But the cultural pressures made it harder because she believed nobody would want someone that was "used."

Regardless, spousal abuse can affect anyone regardless of age, race, sex, education or occupation. "It's disturbing to think that if you got an education, it'd be less likely to happen to you. But the truth is that domestic abuse happens across the board," explains Londoño-McConnell. Many, she adds, witnessed abuse as a child. In Victoria's case, she later learned that Miguel had indeed watched his mother repeatedly mistreated by his dad. Combined with the fact that Victoria was so young, that Miguel had already started emotionally abusing her, and drank heavily, put Victoria at a higher risk.

There are also additional cultural factors that add to our risk. Culturally, says Londoño-McConnell "we are set up in a way that the male makes all the final decisions and has the final word. The idea of 'un hombre de familia' sometimes turns into someone who is very controlling."

Publicly, Miguel was certainly "un hombre de familia." But, he knew the extent of what he was doing was inexcusable. So he hid the evidence. He tailored his abuse so that people would not notice the bruises. Miguel repeatedly slapped Victoria's face because there would be no trace for others to see. But her thighs, which he'd punch, looked like she'd been stained by purplish ink. With no one to talk to, Victoria felt helpless.

CYCLE OF CRUELTY

Like many women, Victoria feared for her life and never reported the abuse to the police or doctor, fearing Miguel would hurt her far worse the next time. After each incident, Miguel promised to do it never again, took her out to dinner or bought her flowers to make up for his behavior. Victoria bought the act every time.

Experts say that what Victoria experienced-the buildup of tension, Miguel acting out, and then a "honeymoon phase"-is a classic three-stage cycle of abuse. But it's not always the case. "The cycles vary in every relationship," says Londoño-McConnell. In fact, the first phase alone can last several years before someone actually becomes violent.

Even during the worst times, it's not unusual for women to be reluctant to leave an abusive relationship or do so only after the abuse has gone on for some time. For the most part, they fear retaliation, often they are financially dependent on the abuser, or are Women can also feel embarrassed about what's happening and believe it's their fault. And some women still love their partner. They just want the violence to stop. Making it especially difficult for Hispanic women is that there is this notion that they are supposed to keep their marriages together at all costs. "Nos inculcan eso desde que estamos pequeñas, " says Londoño-McConnell. Further, "When you are going through something difficult you turn to our faith, and our faith does not condone divorce. Essentially, our faith tells us to put up with whatever it is. Sometimes even the victim's mother will respond I had to put up with it all my life. Eso es lo que nos toca a las mujeres." All this prolongs the ordeal.

Violent crime has always been illegal. But the justice system didn't always take action against offenders in domestic cases, according to Mary Beth Buchanan, acting director at the Office for Violence Against Women, a division of the Department of Justice. "The problem with domestic violence is that in some jurisdictions law enforcement created an exception for violence that occurred in the home, and they didn't treat violence between intimate partners as seriously as violence between strangers." That changed in 1994, when the Violence Against Women Act was passed. As a result, a national budget was created to properly train police officers, prosecutors and judges to handle domestic violence cases. Before VAWA's passage, it may have been common practice to arrest both the victim and the perpetrator. Now, even hotlines and shelters offer access to interpreters for those who don't speak English. (Under the Civil Rights Act, services must be offered to anyone regardless of legal status.)

Research has been done to understand spousal abuse. "For those caught up in the cycle of abuse, anything can trigger it," says Rosie Hidalgo, Director of Policy and Research at the National Latino Alliance for the Elimination of Domestic Violence (Alianza), an organization that investigate domestic violence and train people to fight against it. The common motivation in abusive situations, she says is power and control. "Similar to dictators like Trujillo, who manipulated an entire country through the use of violence and threats, abusers maintain power in the home by making threats and using violence. It starts with emotional insults, then he stops you from attending classes or going to work, and when your self-esteem is low, then comes the violence." Even before things reach that point, experts say women need to look for signs that a man is overly jealous and possessive. One mistake, says Londoño-McConnell, "is that young women confuse jealousy with love. You think 'ay que lindo esta tan enamorado de mi, que no puede vivir sin mi y se pone celoso'. Actually that's a double-edged sword because it's a sign he's very controlling."

FIGHT, AND FLIGHT

Victoria's nightmare lasted four years. Even when she considered leaving, she knew she didn't have her family's support. She also lacked the financial means to leave. And she was afraid of Miguel. Every so often he cleaned his guns and as he held them he would say, "If you ever leave, I'll kill you with this one….no, no, maybe it'll be this one."

Daniel, now eighteen months old, knew what was happening, even though she muffled her screams while Miguel hit her in their bedroom. And she didn't want to continue the cycle of abuse.

By stashing extra cash in a secret savings account for several months, Victoria was able to put together enough money to afford her own apartment. Then, she confided in her boss, who volunteered to give her three weeks off to move and file her divorce papers, along with the accompanying order of protection. And as a safeguard, she shared her new address with her brother. The time off allowed her to find a conveniently located place to buy her necessities. Victoria was afraid Miguel would randomly drive by and find her. She also took Daniel out of daycare. Finally, her mother pitched in and agreed to babysit Daniel. (Miguel targeted them too: After the first week, he showed up demanding that they stop hiding Victoria.)

Today, at 44, Victoria-who still has a vein protruding from her leg where Miguel once kicked her with his steel toe boots-no longer lives in fear. When Daniel was six, he started asking questions about his father. She told him what she could. And together, they decided to volunteer their time at a shelter for abused women. But Victoria took the activism further and went on to champion women's rights and eventually became the first regional Chicana president of a national women's rights organization. Unfortunately, that's not the way the story ends for every abused woman; current figures from the Department of Justice paint a grim picture: women are more likely to be killed by their current or ex-spouse. Though women murdered an intimate partner has dropped nearly 25 percent since the early-'90s, in 2005 (the most recent year for which numbers are available) 1,181 women were murdered by their spouses.

"Some people think domestic violence is a feminist issue", says Hidalgo. "It's not-it's a human rights issue. There's no place for violence in the home."

*Names have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals.

This month's issue of Selecciones highlights domestic violence and where to turn for help.