Telling Kids About Cancer

June 25, 2001 -- When a parent has cancer, one of the toughest parts of the fight goes on at home, where mom or dad must decide what to tell the children.

Good Morning America's Entertainment Editor Joel Siegel successfully fought off colon cancer several years ago. He now has cancer in the lungs — a metastasis of the original colon cancer, not new cancer — and he will have surgery to have the spots of cancer removed. Siegel wanted to know what — if anything — he should tell his 3-year-old son Dylan about his battle with cancer.

Parenting contributor Ann Pleshette Murphy spoke to some children whose parents have cancer, and advised Siegel and other parents to talk to their children about what they are going through.

"It is so natural for parents to want to protect their kids," Murphy said. "What happens is [kids] think it's their fault."

Even young children should know what is going on, as tough as it is to tell them, and they should be assured that they are not to blame, Murphy said. One teen said it was important that he find out as much as he could about his mom's cancer.

"Tell your kid what is going on and everything that you know and all the consequences because a kid's imagination wanders on and they, you know they worry about a bunch of things," said Ted Sommers, 16. "And they will think the worst all the time."

Center of Their Universe

Upon hearing the news, though, each child has a different reaction, ranging from ignoring it to getting angry, Murphy found.

"I used to just pretend that she didn't have cancer and I felt happy," said Kaitlyn Pavia, 7, of her mother.

"I thought I'd die if I touched her or gave her a hug," said Kirsten Sommers, 12, Ted's younger sister.

"Some kids, they get really mad at themselves because they think it's their fault, but it really isn't," said Andrew Pavia, 10.

Parents should remember that they are at the center of their child's universe, Murphy said.

A change of appearance, or the inability to do what they used to do can shake up a child's world. Ted Sommers remembers his shock when his mother's hair fell out due to chemotherapy.

"The first time I saw her she didn't have any hair, and I got mad at her and I yelled at her and I said 'You're not my mom, I don't know who you are,'" the teen said.

"I felt really sad because other people's moms were OK, but mine was sick," said another member of the Sommers family, 8-year-old Danica. "And when there were parties, she couldn't come and be like my class mom teacher."

Hard to Sleep

"Every night, it'd be hard for me to get to sleep because like 'oh, is she gonna be alive tomorrow morning?'" said Kirsten.

Another child agreed that the physical impacts of the disease were noticeable.

"She was tired," said Norissa Weston, 12, of her mother's battle with cancer. "She would always be tired once she came home from the chemo, so we would always let her rest."

From the child's perspective, their mother or father's cancer is taking them away to a place they can't begin to understand. Visiting a hospital, for instance, can be a frightening experience for a child.

"I was actually pretty scared," said Kirsten. "I came up to my mother's room and I see here lying in the bed with all this medication she was taking and shots. And it was really sad."

Kids Teaching Parents

Some parents say that the most astonishing thing about cancer was learning how to survive it from their children, Murphy said.

"Some of the things I do to make her feel better is hug her, kiss her, rub her back," said Noris Weston, 7.

Another young boy said caring for his mother made him feel a new responsibility.

"I had a lot more responsibility than I did before, and I felt that after that I could basically get through anything," said Andrew Pavia.

If a parent is going into the hospital, Murphy suggests a young child make a paper chain, with each day representing one day closer to mom or dad getting out of the hospital.

The other part of it is discipline, Murphy said. A child may be angry when a parent is unable to get up out of bed, but parents should be stern in explaining that it will sometimes happen.

For a young child, it is important to make them understand that although mom or dad is going through a hard time, they are still there for them. And while parents are undergoing treatment, they should help children maintain their usual routines.

A parent may say, "I have a boo-boo, it has nothing to do with you," Murphy said. "The most important thing is to let your child know that things will be the same."