Book Excerpt: Ask the Supernanny Part 2

Sept. 22, 2006 — -- Q: My wife and I have one son, Sam,who's three and a half, and we'reexpecting another baby in a couple of months'time. My wife gets pretty tired these days andI'd like to help her out more than I do, butSam always insists on having Mommy doeverything. I've tried to explain to him that hewill have a little brother or sister soon and hecan't expect to have Mommy to himself all thetime, but he throws a tantrum every time I tryto step in and help put him to bed or get himdressed in the morning. To be honest, I'mbeginning to feel like a spare part in thisfamily, and I'm worried things are only goingto get worse when the baby comes along.

A: I really feel for you. It's not pleasantto feel sidelined, or powerless toperform your role as a parent. But you'vegot one important thing going for you, andthat's the fact that you really want to be acommitted Dad to your son. Some fathershave been faced with a similar situation, andas a result have retreated, shrugged theirshoulders, and taken a backseat in familylife, and then regretted they have done so.

It doesn't have to be that way. Your sonneeds both his parents, and your wife needsall the rest she can get, now and for somemonths to come. You've got a window ofopportunity here to change the dynamicso that things are running more smoothlyonce the new baby arrives.

Mom must step back and allow you tofulfill your role. If you don't know how tocope with your son's behavior, she shouldshow you how so you can gain confidence inyour parenting. Telling Sam he can't expectto have Mommy to himself all the time sendsout a discouraging message that he's tooyoung to really understand.

So what should you do? First, you haveto recognize why Sam is behaving the wayhe is. He's using his refusal to be looked afterby anyone else but Mom as a means ofcontrol. So the first thing you both need todo is to break that pattern. That means youhave to come up with a rotation and stick toit. One night, Mom puts Sam to bed; the nextnight you do. When it's your night, explainto Sam that you will be putting him to bedtonight and that it will be Mommy's turntomorrow. At first, your son is going to tryall his usual tricks to get Mom to come tothe rescue. Your wife will need to be veryfirm and stay out of the picture so you getthe chance to follow through. If you can seea tantrum coming, keep calm and nip it inthe bud before it gets a chance to escalate.Try the Separation Technique (page 119).

I once visited a family on Supernannywhere the dynamic was similar to yours,but the other way around. The Douglaseshad twins of four: a boy and a girl. Sandra'srelationship with her daughter, Nicole, wasvery difficult, and at times she felt sorejected by Nicole that she had fantasizedabout leaving the family. The situation wasmade worse by the fact that every timeSandra had a problem dealing with herdaughter -- whether it was in the car, or inthe bath -- Douglas, the dad, would ride tothe rescue and take over. Sandra had tolearn to stay firm and not give in to Nicole'stantrums. Just as important, Dad needed tolearn how to stay out of the picture so thatMom and daughter had a chance to buildtheir relationship.

In that situation, there was an underlyingreason why Sandra let Nicole walk all overher. When the twins were very young,Sandra was called away on a seriousemergency having to do with her work for anairline. While she was gone, Doug built up abond with the twins and coped really well.

When she returned, Sandra felt guilty thatshe had left the twins at such a young age,and Doug was worried he would lose hisspecial connection with them when Momreturned.

But being a parent isn't just about sharingthe load with your partner. It's also abouthaving quality time with your kids. Play agame with your son – just the two of you – orfind some activity, such as kicking a ballaround in the park, which can be a specialtime for you both. Go out as a family andhave some fun together so that Sam learnshe can have a good time without demandingall of Mom's attention for himself.

He's already shown how he feels aboutsharing Mom's attention with you. Sharing itwith a baby is going to be very challengingfor him.

For that reason, you need to prepare himfor the new arrival much better than you'redoing at the moment. Choose your wordscarefully. If you tell him that he's going tohave less of Mom's attention once the babycomes, he's going to really dread that day.Every time a parent talks to a child, thatchild is going to wonder: "What does thatmean?" Kids take things very literally. Howmuch of what you say is backed up by theway you behave? Are you sending out mixedmessages to him? Don't use the new baby asa threat. Instead, bolster your son'sconfidence and independence by using theInvolvement Technique (page 157) to teachhim how to help and cooperate. Tell him he'sgoing to be a big brother soon. (See page 156for more ways to prepare a child for the birthof a sibling.)

C is for Confidence.

Make your decisions confidently and show your kidsyou're happy in your role. It's all in the tone of voice andbody language.

C is for Communication.

Keep talking and listening to your kids and to each other.It's the key to everything

How to Talk to Your Child

Q: I'm a thirty-six-year-old mother of twochildren. Jason is eight and Chloe isten. They never listen to a word I say. I findmyself telling them to do things over and overuntil I'm sick of the sound of my voice. Chloeis the worst -- if I take her to task over thesmallest thing, we end up having ascreaming match. How am I going to copewhen they're older? I find it really upsettingbecause they do everything their Dad tellsthem to. What am I doing wrong?

A: Yelling, nagging, screaming, losingit -- these aren't good ways ofcommunicating with children. But youalready know that because when you nag,yell, or shout, all you communicate to yourchildren is that you have lost control. Oncethey've picked that up, they will lose respectfor you, and you won't be any closer togetting them to behave or do what they'retold. A child's behavior will get progressivelyworse when it feeds off a loss of control.

I'm constantly amazed at the kinds ofthings parents say to their kids:

"Do you know how bad you make me feel?""Go away and leave me alone!"

"You're such a mess-up! You're so ******annoying!"

"Shut up when I'm talking to you!"

"Get out of here! Go to your room and staythere!"

If you want to tear a strip off your child, ifyou want to make her feel small and destroyher self-esteem, you're going about it in theright way. Some parents pride themselvesthat they would never raise a hand to theirkids, but have no hesitation in woundingthem with vicious words. It's abuse, plainand simple.

So how should you talk to your children?With respect. With love. With clarity. Withunderstanding. With calmness.

How should you talk to your childrenwhen they're upset or in need ofunderstanding, or when emotions are raw?Listen to what they have to say. Don'tinterrupt them, shut them out, or brushthem aside. Validate their feelings andgive them guidance without jumping toconclusions or giving them a pat answer.Sometimes you may find yourself in asituation where your child has a problemthat is beyond your power to solve there andthen. Parents often respond to such issues byrevealing their panic, frustration, or anxiety.Stay calm. Say to your child: "How are wegoing to deal with this?" Give her theguidance to encourage her to think forherself. Show her that you have a grasp ofthe bigger picture, even if a solution doesn'timmediately present itself. How you respondwill play a big part in how your child dealswith the issue.

That's how you should talk to yourchildren. The tone of voice you should use isa different story altogether. I always say thatparents need at least three different tonesof voice:

The EVERYDAY VOICE is an even tone thatyou should use in conversation with yourchildren. If you bark out commands at yourkids or order them around in a harsh, loudtone, you immediately communicate the factthat you expect them not to do as they'retold. If you sound stressed and at the endof your tether, the same is true. Be politewhen you are asking your children to dosomething. You can't expect your childrento have good manners if you aren't politeto them. "Please wash your hands andcome to the table." "Could you tidy up yourroom, please?" Keep your voice even andreasonable, not apologetic, or even pleading.

If your child has done something wrongor has not done as you asked, you need touse the VOICE OF AUTHORITY. Don't shout fromhalfway across the room or rip into her. Go toher, get down to her level, and make directeye contact. If she tries to look away or moveaway, hold her arms and say: "Look at me,please. I am talking to you." Use a low, firm,authoritative tone to tell her what she hasdone wrong. "I asked you to tidy up yourroom. I want you to do it now, please." Ignoreany attempts by your child to talk back,argue, or bargain. Separate the behaviorfrom the child: You are not damning her,you are making it clear that the behavioris unacceptable to you.

If your child still refuses to do what she'sbeen told, you should give her a warning,using the Voice of Authority, that she willbe disciplined if she does not comply.(See the Naughty Step and beyond, page168, for the type of techniques you can use.)It is important to give just ONE warning,and then take action. Three, four, five, sixwarnings and your child will realize thatall you are issuing are empty threats.

The third type of voice is the VOICE OFAPPROVAL. It's a high, excited voice thatcommunicates pleasure. Use it to praise yourchild for good behavior -- especially whenshe's done something right without beingasked to. "Thank you for clearing the table.Well done!" Be careful with older childrennot to patronize them. If all you do is pullyour children up short whenever they havedone something wrong, but never praisethem when they've been good, your kids willcome to see misbehaving as the only way toget your attention and receive unhealthylove.

Alot of people don't find it easy to expresstheir authority calmly. Why not? Becausethey've already lost control. Some parentshave to lose their temper before they feel ableto express authority or find the courage toexpress themselves. Observe your children'sbehavior and identify what brings out ahostile reaction in you. Rather than blowyour top, learn to respond to the behaviorin a calm, direct, and authoritative way.

When parents find it difficult to assertthemselves, I often get them to practice infront of a mirror until they are comfortabletaking on the role. In the Collins family,for example, Mom was not very confidentand was overwhelmed by the aggressivebehavior of her kids. She was evenembarrassed in front of the mirror, and shiedaway from looking at herself directly.(I called it the Lady Di look! You know theone -- peering up from under her hair.) Iexplained to her that she needed to be able totake herself seriously before her kids wouldrespect her.

Finally, think about why your daughterpushes your buttons more than your son.

In one of the families I've worked with,the Cookes, the relationship between themother, Denise, and the oldest girl,Meghann, had become very difficult.Nine-year-old Meghann had a very strongcharacter and could be very obstinate.Dealing with her behavior -- rudeness,biting, hitting -- had ground Denise downto the extent that she had no energy andfelt inadequate on every level. Feeling likethat meant that Denise felt too powerlessto discipline her daughter, which, in turn,only made Meghann more confrontational.Denise was taking the punishment like apunching bag and when the two of themargued, it was like they were both fighting tohave the last word. What was very revealingwas that when they had a screaming match,Meghann was using exactly the same toneof voice as her mother. "No, actually, it waslike this!" "It wasn't like this, actually, it waslike that!" They were each fueling eachother's fire.

It took time for Denise to see that she hadto set the example, not stoop to Meghann'slevel. If you change, people have to changearound you. And change was something thatMeghann was threatened by. When Deniselearned how to discipline her daughterwithout losing it, Meghann began to learnto take the consequences of her behavior andbe accountable for it.

MOVI NG ON

Q: We have two children, Immie, whois coming up on eighteen months, andAaron, who's nearly five. Aaron's behaviorhas never been very good. He's aggressivetoward his sister, and he's a really fussy eater,no matter how much we try to encourage himand offer different foods. Yesterday he had ascreaming fit at the table and made himselfsick. When Aaron was two, he nearly died ofmeningitis, and sometimes we still can'tbelieve how lucky we are to have him with ustoday, but his behavior is really getting to us.We've had him checked over by our doctor,who has assured us that there's no physicalreason for it.

A: Traumatic events such as Aaron'sillness are a shock to the system,and take a lot of getting over. Watching achild fight for his life is any parent's worstnightmare. Luckily, as you say, your familycame through this terrible event and yourson recovered. I'm sure you count yourblessings every day.

Aaron's present behavior is nothingthat could not be addressed with properboundaries and firm control. Use theNaughty-Step Technique (or one of itsvariations, see page 172) to teach himnot to be aggressive to his sister.

Don't offer him too much choice atmealtimes. Put a small portion of whateveryone else is eating down in front of him.If he doesn't eat, tell him he can leave thetable when he has had three (or four, or five)mouthfuls. Encourage! Don't allow him tosnack to make up for what he doesn't eat atthe table. When he starts to becomedisruptive, make it clear that the behavior isunacceptable and remove him to theNaughty Step before he has a chance tothrow a screaming fit and make himself sick.

In many ways, Aaron is behaving likea toddler. That tells me one thing, which isthat you and your partner are still where youwere mentally and emotionally when yourson was very sick. And because you're livingin the past, you are not able to let Aaronprogress and teach him how to be moremature in his behavior. Your doctor hasgiven him a clean bill of health. You need tomove on and become more confident and lessanxious as parents.

Learn from your past experience, letit go, and move on.

I saw something very similar in theTsironis family. In that case, twin three-year-old boys were out of control anddemanding all the attention of both parents,while their sister, who was four, missed outon attention. The twins had been born verypremature at twenty-three weeks' gestation,weighing little more than a pound each. Itwas a miracle that they pulled through. Theparents had to learn to let go of the traumaof the boys' birth and put some disciplinein place to get their family back on track.When they started to implement theNaughty-Point Technique (page 182), theywere freed from the constant struggle forcontrol. At the same time, they were ableto communicate better as a couple and lookforward to the future, rather than dwell onthe past.

In another family, the Mom had difficultyinteracting with her youngest child. Hisbehavior was challenging, to say the least --he regularly spat, hit and bit. It emerged,after discussing things over with the couple,that Mom was carrying a lot of guilt. Heryoungest's birth had not gone according toplan, and had eventually resulted in anemergency Caesarean. Ever since, she couldnot shrug off the sense that it was all herfault. Once this was brought out in theopen, and she was encouraged to see thatshe had nothing to blame herself for, shewas able to build a better relationshipwith her son.

Carrying baggage from the pastcan prevent you from enjoying yourchildren now, teaching them what theyneed to know, and making life-changingdecisions that are positive. If you don'trelease negative feelings, they work likean energy block. Learn to let go and moveon, and you won't look back!

Family Patterns

Families come in all shapes and sizesthese days. The extended family, withseveral generations living close by eachother, may be a thing of the past in manycultures and societies, but new patternshave come to take its place. Stepfamilies,where children share theirtime between two homes; single-parentfamilies; and families where bothparents work are all on the increase.With developments in fertilitytreatment, fostering, and adoption, olderparents are also becoming more common.

Whatever form your family takes, it isimportant not to feel that you are lettingyour kids down in any way because yourfamily doesn't conform to a so-calledperfect stereotype. What is that,anyway? There's no such thing as perfect.All families have strengths andweaknesses, whatever pattern they take.Learn to play up your strengths, work onthe trouble spots, and rest assured thatyou are doing your best by your kids.Accept that your family is uniqueand very special.

S I N G LE PAR E NT I NG

Q: Ever since my partner walked outthree years ago, I've been raising mytwo kids (Lisa, aged four, and Ryan, agednine) on my own. The children's father hasmoved to another country and has broken offcontact. He sends a little money from time totime, but as it's not enough for us to live on,I had to go back to work to keep a roof overour heads. I'm tired all the time and oftenfind myself snapping at the kids for no goodreason. Ryan's been getting into trouble atschool, and Lisa is very clingy. I don't want tofail my kids because of the situation we findourselves in, but I just don't know what todo to make things better. I know that someof the other mothers at school think Ryan'sa handful because he hasn't got a dad, andthis makes me feel terrible.

A: First of all, I have a lot of respect andadmiration for the way you are tryingto deal with the demands of bringing up yourkids by yourself. Single parents have a toughtime. If it isn't the press wading in, blamingsingle Moms for each and every one ofsociety's ills (yet single Dads are givenadmiration), it's the widespread view thatchildren from single-parent households aregoing to miss out in their family dynamic.Unfortunately, the divorce rate is very high.But there are many successful single parentsout there who are raising happy and well adjustedchildren. Remind yourself thatbringing up your kids in an atmosphere thatisn't poisoned by conflict is much better thanforcing them to grow up in an unhappy homewith parents who simply cannot get along,with each other. What you can't change, youhave to accept. Your partner has broken offcontact -- that's a fact. What you have to do isput your energies into being solid andconsistent for your kids, so your family canget back on track.

When relationships break up, it takestime for the dust to settle emotionally. Youobviously found yourself dropped into thedeep end straight away when you had to goback to work to support yourself and yourkids after their father left. Have you had theopportunity to talk to anyone, or has it justbeen a struggle to cope? Feelings of sadness,failure, and anger are common whenrelationships come to an end. You may findit very helpful to share these with a friend,family member, or a group of single parentswho are going through similar experiences --or even a counselor. Negative feelings makeparents less confident when they arehandling their children; lack of confidenceleads, in turn, to loss of control, and then it'seasy to feel overwhelmed. Feeling bad aboutyourself or your situation is also draining --it might be part of the reason why you are sotired.

Of course, break-ups have an impacton children, too. Your daughter would havebeen too young at the time of the split toremember her father, but she will be awareof how much you are struggling. Your sonmay be experiencing some of the samefeelings as you, and often that does manifestitself in school behavior problems. Have youtried to talk to him about it? It's important toreassure him that you will be there for him.When one parent has walked out -- and,worse, broken off contact -- a child loses acertain degree of trust in the world. He'llneed to build up his confidence again. Talk tohis school and let them know; everyoneneeds to show compassion.

What your children need more than everare clear rules and boundaries, backed upby firm control when necessary. They needto know where they stand, and while theirbehavior is understandable, you have towork to change it. Give them both somesmall responsibilities -- tidying up, forexample, or setting the table. Your son is oldenough to help you in many ways, and yourdaughter will gain confidence if you giveher small, achievable tasks to do. Get theminvolved, and you will start to function inyour new shape as a family again.

What is very important is that you aren'ttempted to treat your children as friends orequals. They need you to be their parent, theirMom, someone who sets them an exampleand makes sure that they keep to the rules.And that's why it's also very important tofind an adult with whom you can share yourtroubles and concerns. If you share yourworries with your children, you areburdening them with a role they are notequipped to handle. Kids who findthemselves in the position of caring fortheir own parent often experiencedifficulties later in life simply becausethey were forced into an adult role whenthey had no resources to deal with it.

You don't have to put up with the cardsyou've been dealt and struggle on with noassistance. Get involved with local or churchgroups and put some support systems inplace -- ask your friends and family for help.Spend some time in the week doingsomething just for you. Put something backin the bank, and you'll find yourself lesslikely to snap at your children becauseyou are feeling stressed and overwhelmed.

Finally, make time for things you cando together as a family. Play a game withyour kids after work -- the chores can wait.Take your kids on outings -- if you're on abudget, a trip to the park costs nothing.Whatever you can do together will reinforceyour new family unit and make it stronger.Don't look at your family as a chair withthe leg missing. Athree-legged stool isjust as good!

D is for Determination.

Focus on achieving your positive goals and make sure youfollow through. Find your inner strength!

GRANDPARENTS

Q: My problem is my daughter Sue. She'shad a tough time -- she's a single mom-- and in the last few months she's just gotback on her feet and started a new part-timejob. After she split up with her partner, shewas very low for a while and I offered to takethe kids off her hands for a few afternoons aweek to give her a bit of a break. But now thatSue's working again and things are gettingback on an even keel, I've tried to suggest thatshe could make other arrangements -- there'sa good nursery school nearby that the kidscould go to, and she earns enough now toafford a babysitter to pick them up and lookafter them until she gets home. She says thatshe doesn't want to do this, and that thereisn't anyone else that she'd trust to look afterthe kids.

Don't get me wrong -- I love my grandkidsto bits -- and we have great times. But theyreally wear me out! Clare is four, and whatwe would have called "a right little madam"in my day, and Jack is two and a half, andinto everything. I feel I've done my stint as amother, and when I see my friends who areenjoying being grandparents without thestresses and strains, I feel like I'm missingsomething. Am I being unfair?

Q: Not at all! What a fortunate womanyour daughter is to have your love andsupport when she was at such a low ebb. Weall know that families aren't as tight-knitas in years gone by, but this is a wonderfulexample of how strong and supportivefamily ties can be.

But Sue's on her own two feet now, andyou have every right to want your role as agrandparent back. Sit down with yourdaughter and explain how you feel over a cupof tea. Tell her that you recognize that she's ina different place, and that you are proud of theway she has picked up the pieces of her life.Say that you would like to go back to your roleas the kids' granny now; that you will still lookafter the kids from time to time, but you wantto be able to enjoy them as a grandparent, too.It's good to be honest about your feelings. Youmay find that she is more than willing to seethings from your perspective.

Sue has leaned on you in her time of need,and she's obviously very comfortable withthe present arrangement. But it will behealthy for her to let other people into herlife to care for her kids. You can still give hersupport in other ways -- by helping herchoose a sitter, for example, or by offering tobabysit on Saturday nights. The role ofgrandparents is so important. You have time,patience, and tons of love to offer yourgrandkids, all the more so if you are notacting as co-care giver.

I've come across this type of issue a fewtimes on Supernanny. Debbie Senior livednext door to her parents, and had come torely on them to discipline her kids and playwith them -- a situation not helped by thefact that the fence was down between thetwo properties and the kids were free to runover to their grandparents whenever theyfelt like it. I had to encourage Debbie tobecome more confident and take up herparenting duties. I literally put theboundaries back in place, by getting thefence rebuilt and putting a lock on the gate,so that when the kids found it locked, theyknew that their grandparents didn't want tobe disturbed.

TWINS AND MULTIPLEBIRTHS

Q: After years of trying and severalcourses of IVF, my wife and I foundourselves the proud parents of triplets -- thegirls are now nearly three. We thought weknew what we were in for, but nothing couldhave prepared us for the way our lives havebeen turned upside down. Although wemanaged the first year pretty well (I took someleave from work so there was another pair ofhands at home), as the girls have grown older,it's got progressively harder for my wife. Somedays it's all she can do to get them dressed andfed. My wife is forty-three and I'm forty-seven,so we're a little old to be first-time parents.Can you give us a few pointers on how to cope?

A: First of all, congratulations! As I'msure you know already, it's a bigenough challenge looking after a new babyin the early months -- triplets multiply thatchallenge three times and more. All parentsof twins and triplets say the first ninemonths are incredibly hard work. I'mso impressed that you supported each otherthrough that difficult and exhausting time.And well done for taking leave from yourwork and putting your family first -- that wasthe right thing to do. It sounds like you andyour wife work really well together andsupport each other, which is brilliant.

Twins and triplets are more common inolder parents (over the age of thirty-five, awoman's chance of conceiving twins is muchhigher). Multiple births are also much morecommon when you have fertility treatment,as I am sure you were told. But, as you say,nothing quite prepares you for the reality offeeding, changing, and soothing three babiesat the same time. How could it? But it's threetimes the joy.

One of the families I visited onSupernanny, the Burnetts, had two sets oftwins under three. If ever a Dad needed tobe an octopus, it was Michael, who lookedafter all four of them during the day whilehis wife was at work -- while trying to runhis business from home at the same time.I'm going to suggest to you what I toldthe Burnetts, and that is to work out atimetable. Sit down with your wife and planout a daily routine. Put a framework intoplace so that you and your wife aren't justreacting to events; you have a structure towork to. Break the day down into half-hourperiods, starting with key points, such asmealtimes, and go on to fill in the details,with scheduled times for different kinds ofplay. (For more on how to create a routine,see page 15.) Focus on the trouble spots, andsee if you can work out a way to share theload. If you need to get off to work by a settime in the morning, for example, make surethe girls get up early enough so that youcan give your wife a hand.

Whether you have twins or triplets, theresimply aren't enough hours in the day tostagger their care, so you will need to feed,dress, and bathe the girls all together at thesame time. You've only got twenty-four hoursto work with, so create a routine for them soyou can sleep yourself. One of the ways inwhich parents of twins or triplets comeunstuck is by attending to each child in turn-- that's how it can take all day just to geteveryone dressed and fed. And when all dayis given over to basic care, your childrenwon't be getting the stimulation andattention they need from play and newexperiences, which means they are morelikely to get bored and misbehave. A routinewill allow you and your wife the time toattend to each child's individual personalityand character.

If you and your wife are finding it hardernow that the girls are older, why is that?Perhaps you found it easier to deal with theirphysical needs when they were tiny, but lackthe techniques to deal with the way they aredeveloping now. If you are still relating tothem as if they were babies, you may well bemaking matters worse. They may be triplets,but they're three-year-old toddlers first andforemost. This is an age when kids like totest the limits and see how far they can go.Your triplets are at the exploring stage.

There are two main things you can doto ease the situation. First, set some clearboundaries for your triplets so they know whatthe rules are, and back these up using one ofthe techniques described in the chapter TheNaughty Step and Beyond (page 168). Second,encourage your girls to be more independentby giving them small achievable tasks to do. Athree-year-old should be able to dress herselfwith a little help and to feed herself, even ifshe does it messily. She can even be invited to"help" in simple ways – ask her to fetchsomething for you or put something away.Give your girls plenty of praise each time theydo something for themselves. "Good girl, youfound your shoes! Now put them on, please.Shall Daddy show you how?" As your girlslearn to be more self-sufficient, they will feel areal sense of pride in what they are learning.

Other useful tips for coping with twins ortriplets:

It's very tempting to dress your kids inidentical clothes -- it looks so cute, andwhen you're out with them it always gets aresponse from other people. But each childneeds to gain the sense of who they areindividually -- not simply as a twin or triplet.Allow them to develop their own personalitiesand learn to see them as separate people intheir own right. Dressing them in differentclothes is an important first step: Let themdecide and help choose what to wear.

If one child is acting up when you are playinga game, discipline that child, but not theother two. Keep on with the game and makeit clear to the child who misbehaved thatafter the period of discipline is over and youhave had an apology, she can join in again.Teach the Shared-Play Technique (page 219).

Twins and triplets are special. They're alovely dynamic to watch in action. Howamazing it must be to grow alongsideanother person or persons, right from thewomb. You'll often find that they'll playtogether easily, complement each other,and support each other's strengthsand weaknesses.

Don't be afraid to ask for help. Contact atriplets or multiple-birth support group. Geta friend, family member, or mother's helperin for a few hours a week to ease the burden.

Finally, older parents are not better orworse than parents who had their kids intheir twenties or early thirties. Recognizeyour strengths and play to them. You maywell have greater reserves of patience thanyounger parents, even if your energy levelsaren't so high. Remember that, whateveryour age, you're never too old to find yourinner child. Let down your hair and havefun with your kids! Do what is necessaryfor you so that you become self-confident.