Book Excerpt: 'I'm Pregnant ... Now What?'

-- Ruth Graham, daughter of renowned Christian evangelist Billy Graham, describes how she dealt with her 16-year-old daughter Windsor's pregnancy and offers advice for families dealing with unplanned pregnancies.

CHAPTER 1

Ruth

My daughter Windsor had been sleeping a lot. She would come home from school andtake a long nap before dragging down to dinner.

She had been keeping company with a young man who was pleasant but whohad few, if any, ambitions. I had not prevented them from seeing each other, but Icertainly hoped their relationship would soon run its course.

When Windsor was younger, she had enjoyed horseback riding, but she haddropped her interest when boys began to appeal to her. For a time, she had seemed toenjoy flight lessons, but then this young man had diverted her attention. I hadencouraged her to get involved in sports, so she had tried out for basketball. But she didnot make the team. Now she had fallen in with a crowd that had little ambition exceptto have a big truck and plenty of chewing tobacco. Naturally, I had higher aspirationsfor her. Windsor accused me of being judgmental and not trusting her. Our relationshipbecame volatile and frustrating. I was keenly disappointed and even questioned Godabout these developments.

One sunny November afternoon, Windsor came and sat beside me on my bed. Isaw fear in her big blue eyes as she confessed that she suspected she was pregnant.My mind raced. I tried to prepare myself for what lay ahead as I embraced her,telling her it would be okay. I wanted to stay calm. Inwardly I was far from confident,and outwardly my mind began to shift into overdrive as more adrenaline kicked in.I was oddly reluctant to have her suspicion confirmed and I might have let it gofor several days, if not weeks. (Denial is an amazing thing!) I was not sure that I wasready to deal with all that might come if we found out for sure. But after Windsor wentto school that day, I confided in a friend and she urged us to go that very afternoon fora pregnancy test.

So after school, I drove Windsor to the doctor's office. My mind raced ahead.How would we handle this? Could I protect her? And what about my own reputation?What would people say now? I was a single mom and I could hear blame being cast inmy direction. What was I supposed to do? I really was not prepared for this. This wasnot supposed to happen in the Graham family. ...

The doctor confirmed that Windsor was pregnant. Still in his office, I looked intoher eyes brimming with tears and held her tightly as moans escaped from her innerdepths. My mind continued to race. How could I help her?

Our lives had just been changed forever.

Big Decisions

I knew Windsor was wounded already and did not need me to add salt to her wounds.I knew she was feeling guilty and ashamed and I should not add to it. I could see thather father's neglect and the upheaval in our home life had left a hole in her heart thatshe was trying to fill by "looking for love in all the wrong places." She did not needmore rejection from me.

As a mother, what do you do with the information that your 16-year-olddaughter is pregnant? I could not hide it under a rock for long. I could not ignore it andhope it would go away. I could not shout it from the rooftops or run around in circlesscreaming. At some point, sooner rather than later, I would have to confront the manyissues involved. Ultimately, this would involve facing my own responsibility, guilt,shame and anger. In spite of my love, tears, prayers and efforts at discipline (sometimesyelling a lot), my child had made bad choices with serious consequences. Should I havedone more? Watched more closely? Grounded her more often? (Yes, no doubt I couldhave become her jailer -- and that only would have made the situation worse.)To ease my confusion, I reached for a devotional book and it opened to Bibleverses about peace. Peace! I was so far from being peaceful. But it was exactly the wordI needed. As I read, "The Lord of peace himself gives you peace always by all means.The Lord be with you all" (2 Thess. 3:16, KJV) and "My presence shall go with thee"(Exod. 33:14, KJV), I felt a peace that was not my own. I would return to those versesmany times.

I was the adult. My child needed my help. I could not come unglued. My tearswould have to come much later. We both needed to stop and take a breath, to think andto pray and to get counsel. We did not know what to do but I needed to find someonewho could help us sort it all out.

Windsor made the first big decision herself -- she did not want an abortion. I wasthankful for that.

Windsor also informed her boyfriend of her pregnancy. He said he did not loveher and did not want to marry her. He was as young and scared as she was. Windsor and I met with him and his mother, together with a licensed counselor. The young manmet with us several more times and was honest about his feelings, although it cutWindsor to ribbons. The more he withdrew from her, the more desperate she became intrying to hold on to him. It wasn't long before he was gone.

I made hundreds of phone calls. I called the local juvenile court officer to find outthe legal issues and what responsibility the young man had for this child. SinceWindsor was only 16, I inquired about statutory rape, but it did not apply in her case. Iasked if I could keep the young man away from Windsor. There were legal ways to dothat. I learned that the young man could be entitled to visitation and would have afinancial responsibility until the baby was 18 years old.

I called a local crisis pregnancy center to find out what resources they offered.Their counselors met with Windsor a few times. We found them to be veryunderstanding and helpful. The center gave me names of unwed mother homes and Ipursued each lead, although the homes I called were far away or seemed to be too rigid.Windsor had heard enough preaching. What she needed now was a balanced approach,cushioned with a sense of humor. I didn't want to send her to some grim place. Afterall, this was life, not death. Everywhere I turned there seemed to be hidden -- or not-sohidden -- agendas. Most agencies I called believed that young women should releasetheir babies for adoption -- only a few believed that the choice belonged to the youngwoman. Windsor did not want to be manipulated into a decision. The search wasfrustrating.

I called a pastor. He prescribed the following advice: a child was coming, theyoung couple involved were not capable of taking care of it and strict ground rulesshould be set, namely: carry to term, quit seeing the young man and deal with the sin ofthe situation. The options he offered included: (1) Windsor and the young man couldmove in together, (2) they could drop out of school and get jobs in preparation formarriage and the baby or (3) they could release the baby for adoption. If they decided tomarry, he told me the marriage would not survive since 95 percent of couples whomarry under these circumstances split up and those who remain married report theyare unhappy and wish they had married someone else.

The pastor suggested a meeting with Windsor, the young man and his mother,Windsor's father and me. We met on a Sunday after church. Windsor was surprised tosee her father, who had flown in from where he lived in Texas. In fact, she was angryand upset and declared she would have no part in the meeting.

After coaxing, eventually she joined us. The pastor gave the young couple his setof options: move in together without marriage, get jobs and marry or for Windsor to go to a home for unwed mothers. The young man told us all that he had no way ofsupporting her, he admitted that he did not love her and found her difficult to get alongwith, and, finally, he declared that he did not want to marry her. Windsor was deeplyhurt by the finality of his betrayal. At the same time, she was shocked and angered thatthe minister had suggested she move in with the young man without being married.She balked at the suggestion of going to a home for unwed mothers. She exploded. Shefelt trapped. The meeting was a disaster! The birthfather walked away seemingly scotfreewhile his former girlfriend's whole life was turned upside down. Windsor keenlyfelt the unfairness of it all.

For my part, I felt exhausted and beat up after the meeting. At odds with myown emotions, I was both angry with Windsor, wanting to shake her, and yetcompassionate, longing to hold her and make everything all right. She could not seemto see that I was trying to help. Worn out with the tension between needing to be wiseand wanting to wash my hands of it all, I wanted to escape. And yet there was no placefar enough away to remove the knots in my stomach, the anxiety in my mind and theache in my heart.

At home, Windsor and I clashed often. As her mother, I was the safest person forher to take her anger out on -- and she did. Pushing me away with one hand andholding me tight with the other, she blamed me for all that was wrong and wanted meto make it all okay. It was a roller coaster of emotion and heartache.

When I told a pastor how much trouble we were having, much to my shock, hetold me that Windsor was in rebellion and I should pack her bag, put it on my doorstepand lock the door. I could not do that nor could I agree with his assessment of mydaughter. In spite of our rocky relationship, I held firmly to the ideas that her angercame out of her deep woundedness, she had been hurt by her father's choices and shewas hurt by our divorce. She had many reasons to look for love in all the wrong places.I was not going to give her another one.

I love my daughter so deeply I can honestly say I was never ashamed of her,although I certainly grieved for her and with her. But there were times I could havestrangled her!

Windsor's Story

The loss of my innocence and youth came with just two words: "You're pregnant."Little did I know that those words would take away, at the young age of 16, my life asI'd known it. The whole idea of it put me into an emotional spin. This is my story ...For a couple of weeks, I'd not been feeling well. I struggled to get out of bed inthe morning and it was hard to keep my breakfast in my stomach. My gut told me"you're pregnant," but I delayed finding out for sure. Finally with guilt and fear, I sat atthe edge of my mother's bed crying, probably pregnant and knowing my boyfriend wasending things.

"I think I'm pregnant," I blurted out, sobbing in shame.

My mother sighed. It represented all she wanted to say but could not put intowords. She put her arms around me. For the first time in months, we both felt thesame -- neither of us wanted to face the reality yet. In fact, we spent the rest of the daytrying to suspend any definitive action, trying to escape finding out the truth. Feelingthe horrible possibility of pregnancy, we preferred the bliss of ignorance.

After school the next day, my mother mentioned a doctor's appointment she hadscheduled for us that afternoon. Devastated, I gave her dozens of reasons why we didnot need to go. At first she understood and even sympathized. The initial struggle toface the reality of this situation was monumental for both of us. We both wanted to runaway from it, pretend it had not happened to me or to our family. I gave my mother ahard time, but she finally managed to get me into the car. During the entire drive to thedoctor's office, I was trying to convince myself I was not pregnant, thinking thatbecause my family was who they are, God would protect them from this kind ofsituation. As we got nearer to the office, I began to curse myself and feel the blame forbeing in this predicament. I felt ashamed, confused, scared, lonely and stupid. I pleadedwith my mother several times to turn the car around. I wanted to go home where I feltsafe from the reality I was about to face. My mother did not have much to say.Something had changed in her. All of a sudden, I could feel her disappointment withme; our car became a box that had trapped me inside.

Mary's Story

I was scared, alone, thinking I was pregnant. On Valentine's Day, a good friend, anolder woman, took me to get a pregnancy test. I was pregnant for sure. As I thoughtabout telling my mother, I could see my life pass before me. She would not be happy. I was right. She physically attacked me and I had to go home with my friend. I hid frommy mother and the rest of the family for over a month.

Abortion was the only option my mother saw for me. I was so scared, and notbeing sure who the father was, I felt she was right. After I returned home, my mother,afraid of what people would think, sent me to a maternity home in our state. I hated itand after a week I moved north to stay with my aunt. She too thought I should have anabortion and she went so far as to get me an appointment for one.

Before this appointment, I was looking through my biology book, and I lookedup fetal development. When I saw pictures of a baby as old as mine, I cried. This was aperson, a baby, and it was mine. I told everyone I wouldn't have an abortion and again,my mother became very emotional. Everyone tried to reason with me, which meantgetting me to see things their way. I wasn't about to change my mind. My aunt found awoman in another state who was willing to take me in, counsel me and homeschool meuntil the baby came. So off I went again.

Sara's Guidance

(Note from Ruth: Sara helped both Windsor and me at a desperate time in our lives.Through her personal experiences and practical applications, underscored by herprofessional qualifications as a clinical psychologist, we knew we could trust her adviceand counsel. Throughout the book, you can benefit from that same experience, adviceand counsel by reading "Sara's Guidance.")

"I think I'm pregnant."

There are probably few things you will have to say or your parents will have tohear which will cause as much immediate and overwhelming anguish as those words.Most young women will in fact try to deny for as long as possible that they arepregnant. When you finally do confirm what you have suspected all along, your motheris usually the first one you want to tell, sometimes even before the baby's father.After the tears, anger, hurt and just plain being scared, you must take action. Youdon't need to be told that you have choices and that abortion is one of them. In thiscountry at this time, it is legal and is offered as a choice for young women withunplanned pregnancies. I'm not going to say that I think that is a good idea. I havecounseled hundreds of young women who, after having an abortion, experienced along-term, overwhelming sense of loss, grief and guilt. The experience may not be thesame for all women, but it happens to so many that it overrides whether you believe abortion is right or wrong, whether it's "just getting rid of tissue" or killing a livingchild.

Your first two priorities are to find a doctor and a counselor. Taking care ofyourself and your child should be the single most important thing on your list. Thiswould include eating right, sleeping enough, exercising and taking your prenatalvitamins. Your child needs nourishment, and extra vitamins will keep you both healthy.With your body changing daily, you will find yourself very tired. You may alsoexperience morning sickness, which may not be restricted to mornings. You need tolisten to your body and take care of it because for the next months your body will besustaining the life of another human being.

You need to find a good counselor who specializes in unplanned pregnancies.Choose someone you can trust, someone with whom you feel comfortable. If you don'tfeel comfortable with a counselor you visit, keep looking. For the next few months, thisperson is going to be your best friend and your worst nightmare, your confidant andyour advocate. You may prefer this person to be a woman or you may want him to be aman, perhaps a pastor. You need to own your decision, so don't allow yourself to betold whom to choose.

Besides a trained counselor, you will need to have a support network aroundyou of people you love and trust who are willing to walk beside you on this journey. AsMary's story illustrates, these may not be family members. These people will be some ofyour greatest assets on this journey. They will hold you, cry with you, keep youaccountable and be your sounding board. Sometimes they will just be present with you;sometimes that will be all you want. If the birthfather is part of the picture, he needs tobe included in this circle. No matter how the two of you feel about each other, you havecreated a small new person, for whom you are now responsible. For that reason,working together on the important decisions and developing a good relationship (forthe time being) need to be important goals for the two of you.

There are so many things you need to know, but right now you won't be able tohear them all. Take this book and keep it near your bed. When you have a question, aconcern or you just need some reassurance that what you are feeling is normal, you willfind something in this book for you. (Nearly anything you feel will be considered normal. Noroadmap for your journey exists; everybody's journey looks and feels different.) So lookforward with as much courage as you can muster, and hold on to the hands and heartsof friends. Your mother and father, the birthfather and your siblings will all find helpfulsections in this book as well.

Try to remember this: No matter how out of control you might feel at times, you are incontrol of one thing, caring for this baby living inside you.

You and the baby's father are responsible for his or her conception and future.Accept advice and guidance from those you love and trust, but remember that,ultimately, the decisions are yours alone. You will want them to be decisions withwhich you can live.

With your vulnerability, heightened emotions and feelings of guilt, you maysimply tend to comply with whomever is in authority, so as not to make waves. But thisis your boat and your journey, so these are your waves. You will have to learn to sailsome uncharted waters.

Recommendations

Birthmother

* Have your pregnancy confirmed by a doctor

* Go to www.forpregnancyhelp.com and check out the FetalDevelopment link in the "Links to Related Sites" section

* Tell your parents

* Tell the birthfather

* Get counseling

* Make an appointment with a doctor

* Have a meeting with the birth grandparents

* Remember to:

* Put the baby's needs first

* Rest and eat well

* Express your anger appropriately

* Maintain relationships with those who will be there foryou

Support Network

* Be supportive and compassionate

* Encourage the birthmother and birthfather

* Listen to them

* Affirm the birthmother as a woman

* Help the birthfather with his responsibilities

* Get information from all sources

* Be aware of the emotional roller coaster and try not to get on it

* Remember your words have the power to heal and hurt