Advice Guru on Getting Spouses to Help With Chores, When to Turn Friendship Into Love

Feb. 15, 2011 — -- Liz Pryor from Studio City, Calif., is the recently appointed "GMA" Advice Guru and she is here to help with life's tough questions. Read her responses to the viewer-submitted questions below.

Dear Liz,

Congratulations on becoming a member of the "GMA" team. I am struggling with this predicament. I have been planning and really looking forward to attending my 40th grade school reunion this coming June. The date was released one year in advance. My niece (whom I'm not close to) just a week ago announced her wedding date and of course, it is the same date as the reunion. These events are in different states so I can only attend one. What do you think? Thanks!

– Mary in Illinois

Liz's Advice:

Hi Mary,

Thank you for the congrats, and for sending in this question. I hope I can help you come to the best decision for you. I think you're going to be ok here, we can figure it out. You were invited first to the reunion, and have already replied, along with the fact that you are not close with your niece who is getting married. It reads to me that you not only want to go to the reunion but I see no reason why you can't make that choice if you move through the process with compassion and care.

My concern is more for what your niece's parents might feel about this, you don't mention them in the letter, but you'll want to focus your attention on them. I would say make a heartfelt phone call before sending in the decline for the wedding. You might be surprised at their response, it could be un-miffed and entirely understanding. It would before you make the call to feel firm in this choice before you take action okay?

So call them, and let them know you are sorry you cannot attend. You might be pleasantly surprised at how seamless this can be. Weddings are huge affairs, and you would be giving them ample notice. Now, if anywhere in here you get the feeling that you have made the wrong decision if their reaction is severe, you can always tell them later, that you've decided to cancel your previous engagement as you see how much it means to them that you attend! (Just giving you a cushion here).

Mary , these kinds of choices are really tough. But I believe it's all in how you execute it, and in your case staying open to a change if need be. You are clearly a thoughtful person who sounds mostly to need someone to say to you, yes Mary make the choice you want to make it's perfectly fine, show yourself that you can do this.

Great things for you - and I hope you have a blast at that reunion with no guilt or reservation!

Liz

CLICK HERE to send Advice Guru Liz Pryor your questions!

Advice Guru Liz Pryor Answers Your Questions

My husband has just retired and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. He trashes the house, and I've always kept it clean and neat. He has control of the TV. He thinks I'm here to wait on him hand and foot and that housework is beneath him. Do you have any suggestions on how I can co-exist? Thanking you in advance for any help you can give me.

- Mary in Illinois

Liz's Advice:

Mary,

I can't help thinking of my grandmother who would say to us when my grandfather retired, that she agreed for better or for worse but never did she agree to all day every day.

A few things come to mind that might help you begin to tackle your new life. I get a lot of questions from newly married or cohabitating couples, who are challenged by navigating their new living situations. Believe it or not this is comparable. Your situation is brand new to your marriage, completely changing what the face of daily life looks like to the two of you. This is going to require serious boundary making, task distribution and keen communication skills. You have to attempt to change the dynamic and the first thing to do with that idea is to commit to it.

It's important to remember that in general men are very task-oriented, and often respond well to ideas presented in black and white. If he resists in the beginning you must figure out a way to communicate to him how crucial this is. If he still resists, then perhaps you re-think some of the tasks you provide for him every day. You will have to sit down with him and have a real conversation confidently and directly. You cannot live this way, you want to change it, and here are your ideas.

I've listed a few things to help you begin implementing some changes.

1. Make a list alone, go over the tasks and responsibilities you feel are reasonable for him to be a part of.

2. Figure out the best time to approach for a conversation, I suggest doing this when all is well and not strained between the two of you.

3. Show him the list of things you feel he can contribute to this new life. On this list be sure to ut things that apply only to him that you are doing for him now.

4. COMMIT to this. Mary make him understand that due to many things beginning with your health that you simply cannot go on the way you are.

5. If you must, leave the house during a time when you are normally servicing him, mealtime maybe, whatever you have to do to show you are serious.

6. Find an ally for yourself. Does he have a sister? Do you have children? You need support and people with whom you can vent and share these difficulties. They can try to appeal to him also.

7. There are several on-line support groups to help you navigate this time in life. You would be astounded to learn how many women are suffering this exact same transition. Commiseration is the greatest food for the female soul find a way to partake it will surely ease the difficulty.

And Mary, so often in life we think we know people so well, "he will never bla bla." What we forget is, sometimes that stance we take is not productive for us. I don't care what he's been like all these years, you need it to change, and you mean it! Marriage is a constant work in progress. Please know if you don't think you want to get a new plan into action, you don't have a choice, your health and life depend on it, and I think you know that or you wouldn't have written in. Don't forget, the things in life we feel will be the hardest to shift often end up being less difficult than we anticipated...once we commit to doing them. Tackle this Mary, with pride and conviction, you can do it - Good living to you! Liz

CLICK HERE to send Advice Guru Liz Pryor your questions!

Advice Guru Liz Pryor Answers Your Questions

Dear Liz,

I am a 30-year old female who has been secretly in love with a guy since last November. We are good friends and I invite him over for dinner and do other things together couple times a week. Unfortunately though he has not shown any interest in terms of romantic feeling towards me yet. To make things more complicated, lately he seems be very interested in one of my girl friends who also seems to be interested in him. What should I do? Thank you for your help.

-Jing in California

Liz's Advice:

Hi there Jing,

Thanks for writing in. Wow, this is a really really tough one, a bad recipe as they say. What you do here depends on what you really want. Can you come clean and tell him your feelings? It is a terribly vulnerable thing to do, that would require you to be really brave and honest. And it has consequences I'm sure you've considered. If you tell him your feelings, the obvious thought is that he might not reciprocate. However, there is always the chance that he will. To further complicate things, it is common when these experiences occur…to learn that by revealing your feelings to him and he not reciprocating, it can tend to take a huge toll on the friendship itself. SOOOOO what to do?

Go over all of this until you know what feels the best for you. Standing by and watching your friend go for him, even if it doesn't work out in the end, could be torture. Jing it's time to make a move, the fact that you've written in means you are coming to a place in this that requires some movement. You have to decide to either tell him your feelings, or try and move yourself away from thinking about you and him that way. Your choice! If you decide to tell him, you can easily say, "Have you ever thought about you and I going on a real date?" And then it begins... You can back off it if he comes on strong against it, or it could be an opening for him to say…yes I have.

On the other side, you can attempt convincing yourself that if he were into you that way, he would have said something to you, and you don't want to risk the friendship entirely. It will all depend on your heart and frankly your ability to be vulnerable right now. You know what they say, you never know until you try, if anyone knows that I do!

Hang in there Jing.

Liz

CLICK HERE to send Advice Guru Liz Pryor your questions!