Banish the Bedroom Blahs
Jan. 18, 2006 — -- New research out of Italy finds that couples with televisions in their bedrooms make love half as often as couples who do not. And for couples over 50, the TV turnoff gets even worse, with TV couples having one intimate episode a month, versus seven for couples with no bedroom boob tube.
Psychiatrist Keith Ablow says that a couple need to make an effort to ensure their bedroom is a special place -- a destination full of good associations and romantic memories, not a multifunctional dumping ground.
Ablow says that when it comes to romance, powerful signals are sent and received -- often unconsciously -- that may ignite passion, or snuff it out. And a powerfully bad message is that the bedroom is something other than a locus of love and intimacy -- and instead, an entertainment center (with a TV), or a home office (with a desk), or a dog run (with pets sprawled all over the bed).
Ablow shares some bedroom dos and don'ts to keep the passion alive:
Bed size. Think a bigger bed is better? Not necessarily, Ablow says. It turns out that a cozier bed where a couple is nearly forced to touch is much better for intimacy than the king-sized Playboy stereotype. When it comes to romance, touching begets more touching, but physical distance between a couple in bed breeds neglect.
Linens matter. That stain on the comforter from where one of the kids spilled hot chocolate may be homey, but keep the hominess for the scrapbook -- the bedroom is for pampering. Ablow says that couples should regularly buy new linens, new duvet covers, whatever it takes to underscore the idea of the bedroom as a place of passion and romance, not a place to crumple into sleep at the end of the day. Spend a bit more than you think you should -- it's worth it.
Restrict access. Your bed is supposed to be the ultimate love nest for two adults, not the crash pad for all the kids and family pets. Of course, kids have to be in the bed sometimes, but inviting the entire household into bed means romance gets pushed onto the floor.
What's on the nightstand?Ablow says that you send powerful, often unconscious messages with the items you leave next to the bed. Is it a book or a flower? Or is it the used tissues from the night before, when you had the sniffles? Whether you realize it or not, if you're leaving used tissues on your nightstand, the next time your spouse goes to kiss you, what he or she will mentally be thinking is: used tissues.
What are you wearing?Ablow says some of the most important signals we send are sent by what we wear. You don't have to wear something exotic to bed, but if you're going to wear something to bed, make sure it's not something you wouldn't be caught dead wearing outside the house. For women, that means lose the old sweat pants. And men, for God's sake, buy some new underwear.
Undress alone. Just as important as the clothes you wear is how you get undressed to go to bed. Ablow says that too many couples undress in front of each other, mindlessly pulling off clothes and shrugging them to the floor. Undressing, he says, is something that should retain its erotic charge. If you're just getting undressed to fall into bed, do it somewhere else.
Keep the flossing to yourself. Similarly, keep some of your daily rituals to yourself. How could flossing your teeth together possibly amp up the romance? Ablow suggests that a couple consider ways to keep some of their most unsexy necessities to themselves. He suggests, for instance, that people wash their own underwear.
It's never too late! If you think the thrill is gone for good, Ablow says hold on -- it's never too late to change. By reclaiming your bed, your bedroom and your bodies, you can regain the spark of romance. In fact, the farther down the slob trail you've gone, the more your efforts will pay off. Ablow even suggests that some couples spend some time sleeping apart to restore some boundaries and mystery in a relationship, so that getting into bed together can seem like a date again.