Sex After the Baby: Couples Confess
Married couples speak out about the change in their sex lives after having kids.
Feb. 8, 2008— -- In between feedings and sleep, there's little time for new parents to do anything basic for themselves, let alone set aside time to work on their sex lives.
After juggling all of the cooking, working and keeping up with the kids, most married couples seem to accept that their sex lives won't be what they once were.
"Just doesn't happen as frequently as before, and when we do, we're tired, and it has to be scheduled. It's shorter – not a lot of time to cuddle afterward. Someone's always crying or something's always happening. It's definitely a lot shorter," said George Huffman, a young father who sets up appointments for sex with his wife Kathleen.
"It's easy to make an appointment. Keeping it is the hard part," said George.
"He falls asleep. I'm downstairs waiting for you. I'm like, 'What happened to you?' He fell asleep," said Kathleen with a laugh.
ABC News gathered three husbands in their 20s and 30s who agreed to fess up on camera to Dr. Belisa Vranich, a clinical psychologist. Unbeknownst to them, their private confessions were watched by their wives while they were being taped.
In the end, the couples faced each other and had a rare and candid exchange about what they've learned, and how to move forward in their relationships
Chris and Anita
Chris and Anita Russo have been married for five years. They have an adorable three-and-a-half-year old son, Marco. But since the baby came along, Chris has been feeling very neglected.
Dr. Vranich: What do you miss most about Anita as a girlfriend and Anita as a wife?
Chris: Men are babies too, you know. We need attention.
Chris:We want unsolicited sex. We want the wife at the door in the nice lingerie, no baby home.
Dr Vranich: I hear that all the time with guys. 'Initiate.'
Chris: I want that. I always say, 'how come you can't initiate? I mean, you always have fun when we get there, but how come you can't initiate the trip?'
Serena and Kendall
Serena and Kendall have been married for three years. Their 13-month old daughter, Tiarra, is the center of their universe. But Kendall confesses he misses spontaneous fun and intimacy with his wife.
Kendall: I'd like her just to loosen up … Everywhere we would go we would just find a nice place and try to do something different. A basement or a bathroom!
Kendall: I don't like washing dishes. I don't like cooking, but I would like to get the attention because I feel like if I do this, you know, you'd give me something back!
(giggle)
Kathleen and George
Kathleen and George have been married for seven years with two boys who are three-and-a-half years old and nine months old. Guess what George misses, and wants most?
George: I would say, uh cuddling, you know? Just the relaxation atmosphere afterwards, you know? You could walk around, you know in a robe, not in a robe.
George: You know, to see her pregnant. She was so beautiful. She was like, 'Oh, I'm fat, I'm fat!' and I'm like I loved it. The mother of my children, there's nothing better.
The Group Reacts
After watching the recorded interviews all three wives and husbands spoke together.
Anita: He's absolutely right about that, because well, by the time he gets home, I'm mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted, but I'm definitely, I'm starting to understand more.
Serena: Now that the baby is here, we can't be as spontaneous as we used to be.
The husbands, who Dr. Vranich says tend to suppress their needs, discussed how they contend with what they really want versus what they can have.
Kendall: Even though the sex has been a little slower, when you do have it, you know what? Let's just go all out. (laughs)
Chris:Sometimes I'll look back and I'll say … well (taking a deep breath), All right -- I'm not getting anything.
George: People are like 'Oh you know, I don't get it, I don't get it.' You know, you look at your kids -- that's a great joy, better than sex in a sense.
Chris:Who is this guy? A superman over here? Did you pay this guy George? (laughs)
Chris:I've made a lot of mistakes, so I try to always self-reflect. I have a beautiful son. I have a beautiful wife. I have a family and I have something that I can grow with.
All three wives said that after watching their husbands' interviews they want to try harder to make them happy. What their husbands want has now become what they want as well.