Supernanny's Tips on Dealing With Baby's First Year

May 14, 2008 — -- Supernanny Jo Frost has helped countless families deal with out-of-control kids and get their lives back on track. Now, the child-care provider has written a new book to help parents get through the obstacles in baby's first year.

In "Jo Frost's Confident Baby Care: What You Need to Know for the First Year From America's Most Trusted Nanny," Frost uses humor and empathy to give practical information and emotional support to mothers and fathers.

The book gives advice on baby proofing the home; setting up routines for infants; and even dealing with premature and multiple births.

Read an excerpt of Frost's baby guide below.

Introduction

Recently I was with friends as they brought their newborn home from the hospital and was reminded again that all the planning in the world can't prepare you for the emotion and energy that your newborn will bring. Nothing can make you fully understand the feeling of holding your baby in your arms. You'll be experiencing this fabulous feeling for yourself very soon.

Naturally, however, you want to be prepared to be the best parent. So it's important to be as savvy as you can and read about how to make things go as smoothly as possible. That's why I've written this book?to give you the information you need to be the best parent you want to be. Keep it by your bedside so you can flip to it anytime you need as you go through your baby's first year, ready to help with any questions or concerns you might have. Think of it as your very own live-in me.

I've also written it for another important reason. No matter how many children you have, remember that this newborn is a miracle. That's where the saying "bundle of joy" comes from. It's kind of funny listening to people talk about babies. Over the years, I've noticed a lot of negativity about newborns?things like "Congratulations, you're not going to sleep for years"?and lots of advice about how to cope. Cope means you're in a situation that's a strain already.My approach to baby care isn't about coping or dealing with strain. It's about helping you have the confidence to raise your baby in a healthy and content way. It's also about learning just who your baby is. For he has his own soul. Her own spirit. Your baby is a present, a gift of life itself, which will unfold and develop before your very own eyes.

While I've never had a baby, over the last seventeen years I've been with lots of families as they have brought their newborns home, and I know what a joyful, one-of-a kind experience the first year can be when you've got the right attitudes, understanding, and equipment. Throughout my years as a nanny, I've had professors, psychologists, and pediatricians tell me that what they've studied for forty years, I've grasped "in the field." That's what I'll be sharing with you?my secrets from years of experience for making your baby's first year the wonder-filled celebration it was meant to be.

That's not to say you won't feel the rough as well as the smooth. There are going to be times when you feel exhausted or cranky, overwhelmed or worried. If I didn't say that, I wouldn't be honest with you. But that's all part of becoming a proud parent. Weathering the trials and tribulations along the way is how you learn. This book will help you iron out the wrinkles so that those moments are in the minority. Your baby, intuition, and I will be your guide. One thing to note?throughout this book, I alternate referring to a baby as he and she, as a way of acknowledging that there are both boys and girls.

Babies grow quickly and their needs change dramatically over the first year. That's why, after the initial chapters on getting prepared, I've broken most of the book into three-month sections. In each chapter, there's a section on:

Development: the physical, mental, and social growth your baby will be going through over the year

Babyproofing: what you need to do to assure your little one's safety

Setting Firm Ground: routines, sleeping through the night, dealing with crying

Feeding: all the how-to's, including establishing a feeding routine

Parentcraft: dressing, bathing, diapering, burping, etc.

Stimulation and Explorations: activities to help with mental, physical, and emotional development

Please understand that while the book is divided into 0?3 months, 3?6 months, 6?9 months, and 9?12 months, a baby is a living, breathing human being who grows and develops every day. So there aren't artificial cutoff points between one day and the next. What that means, for instance, is that as your baby turns three months old, you'll want to read up on the 3?6 month section, knowing that she is going at her own pace. I've also included a section for parents of babies in exceptional circumstances: multiples, preemies and other special needs, and adopted babies in which I discuss how you might need or want to modify my advice in other chapters to take your circumstances into account.

I'm a realist. Instead of just saying things like, "don't heat bottles in the microwave," or "don't use talcum powder," you'll be hearing the whys and the wherefores so that you can make the wisest choices possible. And when I feel something is absolutely crucial to do my way, you'll learn that too.

Since the journey is as much about you as your baby, each section also includes a chapter on your journey as a parent, for that will change too as you grow and develop. The first year is the time to create an all-important bond with your baby and set the foundation for positive parent-child interactions that will keep you from having behavior problems later. As parents, you'll learn to think on your feet, multitask, adapt to new challenges, and problem solve in a heartbeat. At any given moment, you'll be entertainer, teacher, nurse, bodyguard.

Because babies sense our feelings and experience them, one of the greatest gifts you can give your newborn is a sense of confidence in yourself. It's my hope that this book will give you the information and support you need in order to relax and trust yourself more and more.Over the first year, you will come to love and grow with your child, who will be part of your life forever. May you treasure this precious time and your precious one who is coming into your life.

PART I

Becoming Confident Parents

Some parents are very confident. Having a newborn feels like a brisk walk in the park. Other parents become really scared, unsure of what to expect, and worried they won't be able to cope. If you're feeling confident, that's a great gift to your partner. Confidence is contagious. If you feel a certain amount of vulnerability and awkwardness, don't be hard on yourself.

Anxious soon-to-be parents often ask me, "How will I know whether I'm doing it right, if I've never had a baby?" Here's what I always say: "You can't?and that's fine." Of course you can read and follow the guidelines in this book. They will help you a lot. But in the end, you can't know in advance what this particular baby is going to be like. You're going to find out along the way. It's on-the-job training! You'll learn that if you keep that diaper on too long, he's going to be uncomfortable and cry, so you change it sooner. You learn to read your child's facial expressions and sounds, recognizing, for instance, that maybe she's still hungry because she's crying in a particular way. Your baby tells you as you become more intuitive.

Remember?every other parent had to learn as they went along. Fortunately, while babies are vulnerable, they're also pretty sturdy beings. There are a few things you absolutely must do, such as support their necks, sleep them on their backs, keep them out of the sun. But if you don't put the diaper on right, put the little jumper on backward, or forget to burp him after a feed, it's not the end of the world. He'll soon let you know and you'll work it out!

Watching dads in particular, I've often noticed that the more they fragilely try to hold the baby, the more she cries because she senses his insecurity. Babies pick up our energy. That's what's special about babies: they have a sixth sense.

That's why I stress confident care. If you're very firm and confident as you pick up the baby and hold her as you'll learn in the section called Parentcraft, she'll sense your competency and be calm.

But as a first-time parent, that calm confidence can be very challenging. You may get overwhelmed, which can make you nervous and maybe not as mindful. So remember: slowly, slowly, gently, gently.

GROWING IN CONFIDENCE

As time goes on, your confidence will grow because you'll begin to see great results. This will help you to develop a knowing about what this child needs, and how to balance the needs of two or three if that's what you're learning this time. That inner knowing comes from the two of you listening to yourselves as well as your baby and other children. The more you pay attention to that inner voice, the more you'll learn to trust your instincts.

You'll also have more confidence because you've embraced your fears rather than run from them. I've met women who've been incredibly successful businesswomen and want to measure up in motherhood in the same successful way they did at work. I say why not. If you feel fearful right now, recognize that it's only an indication that you want to do your best?and that's wonderful! Any time you feel anxious, remember that it's a sign of wanting to do well and your wanting will help you do well. Visualize it being okay, you doing it well, your baby being happy...

You'll also grow in confidence because you'll come to understand that when you make the "wrong" decision, it isn't actually "wrong," because you've just learned from what you just did. You now know the correct way to do something. Confident parents make a decision, see what the outcome is, and then decide to make a better judgment next time if it wasn't the best choice. At some point, you'll have learned so much that you become absolute and wise about certain things. Because now you know. You don't think. You know.

That's why being a parent a second time is easier. If you're a second- or third-time parent, you might be thinking right now, "Well, but it's been five or six years, I've forgotten everything I learned when I had my first," don't worry. It's all in long-term memory ready to move into short-term. The actions will trigger the memory. As soon as the baby arrives, it triggers everything: "Ahhh, I remember!"

Parenting is about recognizing that the more you go on, the more you'll grow too. There are things that you did for your first child, for instance, that you don't want to do for your second child. Your opinions change and maybe your options too. You recognize that this child's temperament requires a different approach. You think about how to gel his personality with yours to build a relationship. That's what makes your relationship so special with each child that you have or the relationship that you have with your baby different from the one your partner has with him.

SECOND-TIME WORRIES

Second-timers may also worry about comparing the second with the first. Comparisons are inevitable, but keep them to yourself. You don't want either child to feel you're keeping score. You'll come to love what makes each unique. Especially those of you with twins (as you'll see later on).

Parents also reflect on balancing the needs of more than one child as well as themselves. You gave the first one all your love, attention, praise, and suddenly that is going to be halved. Will they be able to give each one what they need? Will they have time for themselves? These worries, like so many others, aren't anything you can really prepare for. You'll work it out as you go along. Focus on what you do well as a parent, or your worries only escalate. The routines in this book will help to find the balance for all.

SUPPORTING ONE ANOTHER

Talk about your feelings. Relish the good feelings together and be emotionally open enough to express the feelings that are not so positive. When you speak about them to your partner, they don't fester and manifest in anxiety. Be there for one another; comfort one another when you need it with a hug or reassurance: "I feel really worried, and this baby's crying is really annoying me. I've become noise sensitive, I'm tired, and I'm irritable! And I'm tired! And I'm irritable." Many parents don't feel they can openly talk about their negative feelings because they think it's an indication of failing when they've only just begun. But when you talk about it, your feelings are out there to be dealt with. So be understanding and compassionate with yourself and each other. Then move on to resolving these issues together. As much as health visitors and GPs are there to answer questions, they are not living with you. So as a partner, if you see your wife or husband struggling, reach out, don't ignore.

REACHING OUT TO OTHERS

Connect with other parents as well. It's so important to hear how other parents are feeling and share learning. In the past, when we lived in extended families, we were given reassurance from parents, aunties, sisters, and others around us who had children. They all said, "It will be fine." We leaned on their reassurance to pull us through to the next stage. Now we often live so far apart that we can't rely on them on a daily basis. That's why connecting with other parents can be so helpful mentally and emotionally. The Internet too is a good source of information to ease worries. My Web site (which you can find in the resource guide in the back) has been very successful, like others I'm sure.

There are all sorts of wonderful groups out there. You may have connected already with folks from your prenatal classes. If not, you can find a group through the resource guide in the back of this book.

It's important that the people surrounding you give support that's reassuring and allows you to grow. I've seen mothers and fathers who want to learn, but are surrounded by friends and relatives who are critical and judgmental.

This can be particularly problematic for new mothers. At a time when you feel vulnerable because you've just had a baby, your hormones are all over the place, and you're anxious because you want to make the right decisions, your vulnerability may leave you open to self-doubt. So that if somebody says something negative, whereas before you might think, "No, actually I'm going to do this," you question and doubt yourself. And if you start to doubt, you leave things too open, and that's not good for you or your baby. So be sure to seek support that is supportive, and don't be afraid to keep your distance from anyone who makes you doubt your parenting abilities. We don't want you to feel intimidated.

Let me reassure you too. I'm the nanny on your shoulder, here not only to give you practical advice, but to nurture and support you on your journey during this first year. I want you both to have that glow, that warmth inside that gets generated when you feel proud about yourself as a parent.

Since I was very young, I've been drawn to babies and children, and vice versa. I was the child in the swimming pool on vacation who met all the kids. I've always had a strong intuition about babies and kids. As a nanny, I listen to my intuition, as you will learn to do, and also pay attention to what's working and not. That's why I get good results. Throughout these pages, I will be offering you suggestions that I know work. The success you'll achieve will grow your confidence, just as it did for me.

THINK POSITIVELY

Many women have birth worries?will it hurt too much? Will they be able to do it? Will the baby be okay? It's fear of the unknown. This is definitely a time to feel the fear and do it anyway. Because you are going to give birth, one way or another.

I always tell women to stay away from people who are full of negativity about giving birth. It's important to have people to tell you birthing stories that are realistic. But I know women who go on the Internet to find out about one thing and end up freaking themselves out about birthing situations. Don't borrow trouble. No need for drama.

This is not to say that things never happen. Rather, I'm encouraging you to have a positive mind-set with regards to bringing your newborn into the world. There's a lot to be said for having happy thoughts and doing the things that support you in your pregnancy, and being surrounded by people who are positive. That way, the happy chemicals are released and you feel good.Remember, you do have a choice to avoid negative people and think positively. You have that choice, period.

Part of being positive is focusing on what you want, not on what you don't want. For instance, second timers often say to me, "I don't want the older to be jealous. I don't want them to not get along. I don't want to be overwhelmed." Okay, I say, what do you want and how are you going to achieve it? Talk together about how to get the results you want: We want our children to get along. How can we make that happen? Then make those first steps.

WHAT KIND OF PARENT DO YOU WANT TO BE?

I suggest you each sit down with a pad of paper and a pen and fill in this sentence: "I want to be a parent who..." Here are some examples:

understands my children

teaches them my values

loves unconditionally

shows them what a loving relationship is

accepts my children for who they are

has energy

has fun

is there for them

is there for them as much as my partner is

Then compare your two lists and ask yourselves, how are we going to get the results we want?Do this exercise before going to the next chapter. Because the clearer you can be about what's important to you, the easier it will be to make the decisions you need to make before your baby's birth. Your answers will help you think about the important choices we'll explore in the next chapter.

COORDINATING PARENTING STYLES AND TASKS

While each of you is going to have a unique style, it's important to come together and compromise about key issues. Otherwise, it can end up that one parent feels undermined.

So talk about your parenting philosophies. What about discipline? Character building?raising a child who is moral and socially responsible? How will you come together? What happens when you disagree? Are you both willing to enforce routines? While a lot of issues won't arise until the second year and you can't know all of this in advance, it's important to create as much of a sound foundation of agreement as possible right at the start. You're going to read my advice, but ultimately you will need to decide what to do. And it's best if you're in general agreement for everyone's sake.

This doesn't mean you're going to have one conversation and be done. You'll need to be checking in with one another as you go along and different situations arise. But right now, before the baby's born, I want you to really communicate with one another, to get on the same page from the beginning.

These conversations may raise issues from your own upbringing. What do you want to carry into your family's life and what do you want to leave behind? A lot of the behavior stuff that I dealt with families about is a result of unexamined things they bring from their own childhood. As a result, they begin to question their upbringing. But they already have children of their own.I want you to start looking at these things before you have the baby. So you can go into this experience with a level of maturity and awareness. So that you do things because you know they're right, not just because as a parent yourself, you can.

Of course you can't know in advance all of what will be triggered from your own past. But the more you're aware, the better choices you'll make. That's why it's so important that you challenge yourselves to ask one another those tough questions. Because you've made a decision to raise a child together in a complex society where there are all sorts of conflicting advice. The challenge is for you to continue making conscious decisions together. Because this is not just about having a baby. This is a responsibility and a commitment for life that you have to stand up and be counted for. I know you can do it because you want to. Otherwise you wouldn't be reading this book.

From JO FROST'S CONFIDENT BABY CARE by Jo Frost. Copyright (c) 2008 Jo Frost. Published by Hyperion. Available wherever books are sold. All Rights Reserved.