Engaged? Now Learn How to Prepare for the Big Day

Dec. 26, 2007 — -- The holiday season is the most popular time for people to get engaged, even surpassing the lover's holiday — Valentine's Day.

But after the question has been popped and the ecstatic "yes" has been uttered, a ton of work to prepare for the big day has to be done. Antonia Van Der Meer, editor in chief of Modern Bride, has secrets on how to plan your special day.

Check out an excerpt of "The Modern Bride Survival Guide" below and check out www.brides.com for more information.

Chapter 1

Get Started

BEGIN YOUR WEDDING PLANNINGON THE RIGHT FOOT

Who would have thought that one simple yes could lead to so many questions? But after the proposal comes the planning, and you'll have big decisions to make early on: What kind of wedding should we have? When — and where — should we tie the knot? How much can we afford? And where do we start? Just follow these steps.

1 Set your style

With so many cool ways to wed, how do you narrow down your options and choose the right style for you?Consider your personalities. Envision your dream wedding:Odds are till incorporate the things that make you happy and what you like to do for fun. So if you and your fiancé are total beach bums, skip the Cinderella fantasy and say your vows along the shore. If you both love to throw together gourmet dinners for your friends, maybe a food-focused reception at a top-notch restaurant is a must for you.Think of your history. Look back over the course of your courtship: If your fiancé proposed in a park, an outdoor garden may serve as an equally romantic backdrop for your celebration. A couple who met through their college theater group could weave a dramatic motif throughout their event, from Playbill-like programs to a show-tune-heavy playlist.Factor in your guests. Your wedding is your day — we firmly believe that — but you should still consider your guests' enjoyment. You and your fiancé may be gung-ho about hosting a black-tie event, but if your family and friends consider a collared shirt and khakis "dressed up," an ultra swanky wedding may make them uncomfortable.Find a happy medium. If you and your groom have different wedding visions you're thinking ballroom, he's thinking outdoor bash'figure out how to combine the best of both worlds. Maybe you'll wed and take photos on the beach, but move the party indoors to a restaurant or yacht club with ocean views. Or maybe you can add a few grand details — crystal chandeliers, parquet floor, silk tablecloths to a shoreside tent. Either way, you can create a celebration that's a perfect marriage of your tastes.

Home or Away?

Once upon a time, weddings always took place in the bride's hometown (which was, more often than not, the groom'shometown as well). But these days, there may be no clear-cut spot to hold your wedding if you and your fiancé are from different parts of the country—or world— and you've moved away from where you grew up. Nearly 15 percent of all couples opt for destination weddings, inviting their guests to celebrate with them in a unique vacation spot (see Chapter 18 for more on that). So how do you decide where to wed? Here are a few pointers.Figure out the logistics. Getting married in your hometown can be sweet and sentimental and a challenge, if you live thousands of miles away. You'll need to determine whether you'll be able to make enough trips home'and get enough help from friends and family members who still live there to handle the long-distance details.Consider your guests. Will your starving-artist buddies be able to fork over the cash for airline tickets to the Caribbean? Can Grandma Josie handle a climb to a mountaintop ceremony spot? Look for a location that's convenient for most, if not all, of your guests.Think about your budget. It will cost you considerably more to wed in a big city like Los Angeles or Chicago than it will in Burlingame or Batavia, so you may be able to afford a larger guest list or a much grander event if you opt to tie the knot in a smaller town.

2 Figure out your finances

Back in the day, the bride's parents footed the bill for the bulk of the wedding celebration. But with prices skyrocketing (the average wedding now costs nearly $30,000) and most to-be-weds living on their own before the big day, many couples pay for at least part of their own nuptials, often with contributions from both sets of parents. But figuring out who's chipping in' and what strings are attached to contributions can be tougher to determine in this anything goes scenario.First, figure out how much you and your fiancé can reasonably put into the wedding pot. If your bank account is bare, take a closer look at your spending habits to see if threes anything you'd be willing to give up for some additional money toward your wedding. (After all, a years worth of mocha lattes could equal a wedding dress!)Next, sit down with each set of parents individually to talk about your wedding plans and find out what, if anything, they plan to contribute. Ask them how much input they expect to have regarding how the money is spent and how the wedding is planned, then determine whether you can live with their requests: Maybe you don't mind allowing them to invite a few business colleagues if they're willing to spring for the catering.Finally, make sure your wedding dreams will fit your budget reality. As you start pricing out the details, you may need to prioritize and fund the key ones, while scaling back on others.

Bride to Bride

My fiancé and I feel that our wedding should reflect who we are, not who our parents are. So we told them that their monetary gifts are very muchappreciated, but their money does not buy them more room on the guest list or the right to choose the menu. Fortunately our families have been fine withthis, and I think we've prevented a lot of problems by being honest up front. — Melanie

{expert tip}Set up a separate checking account to keep track of funds — his way you'll know where all the money is at all times and if you're running low.

— JoAnn Gregoli, wedding planner, New York City

3 Pick the dateOnce you have the concept and the funding squared away, it's time to pull out your schedules and figure out which date works best. Check your calendars. Look for any potential conflicts: planned vacations, holidays, and even hectic times at work. One sports-addicted groom we talked to wanted his wedding planned around the college football schedule. And don't forgetto ask your must-have VIPs what they have planned: You'll need to rethink your plans if your fiancé's parents will be cruising in Polynesia then, or your pregnant sisters duedate is within a few weeks of your intended wedding date. Consider the climate. This involves more than whether you want blooming flowers or crisp autumn leaves framing yourphotos: If your wedding falls during hurricane season or midwinter, when storms could leave guests stranded or damage your site, you may need to make peace with the possibilitythat nature could wreak havoc on your plans. Debate the holidays. While a long weekend may be enticing if you're planning a host of activities around your wedding,some guests may already have plans for those dates that they cant change and out-of-towners may find travel a challenge. Discuss switching from the standard Saturday. There are only 52 of them each year, and hundreds of thousands of brides vying for them. A Friday or Sunday could work for you, or you could move beyond the weekend into weeknights, whereyou'll likely have your pick of vendors. Keep special dates in mind. Some couples like to choose sentimental anniversaries for their weddings: You might wed on the day you first met or on your parent's anniversary. Find out whets available. If you have your heart set on marrying in your house of worship or using a particular caterer, put in a quick phone call to make sure that your potential date is still open before you start booking your other vendors. Give yourselves enough time. Be realistic about how long it will take you to pull together these details while still having alife' and whether you and your other wedding contributors need some time to save up for your big event.

GettingYourGroomInvolved

Planning a wedding is a great test of your teamwork skills, as you and your groom negotiate big financial agreements with your pros and little details with each other, like whether the wedding colors will be blush pink or navy blue. Here's some advice from recent brides.

Make a list of all your decisions and plans' then hand it to him. For instance, write down the names of the bridal party and who is paired with whom or a list of songs for the reception. After reading the list, he will most likely have comments and changes. In my experience, men need to be able to read things to get a better idea of whets involved.

— Christine

Start referring to the wedding as "his" wedding. I asked my fiancé, What do you think of this song or that dinner menu for your wedding? Soon after that, he began to view the wedding as something that was not only "mine" or "ours" but also "his" and that got him more involved.

'Dana

Let him make some of the decisions on his own. Since I picked out my dress and my bridesmaids dresses, I thought it was only fair that my fiancé got to choose the tuxes for himself and his friends. They weren't exactly what I would have picked out for him, but he was happy, and that's what mattered.

'Lisa

Think about the things he enjoys. If he likes to cook, have him pick out the pots and pans for the registry. Let him help pick out the DJ or band, and ask him to make a list of his favorite songs. Keep him busy with things you know he likes (music), and avoid harassing him about the decisions he may not care about (flowers).

'Peggy

Lunch-Hour Planner How do you cram wedding tasks into your already overbooked life? Here are a few things you can cross off your list during your next lunch hour (from your desk, no less!).

1Prepare your song list. Ask your band or DJ to fax you a list of tunes. Check off the ones you definitely want played, and cross out the ones you don't.

2Update your registry. Go online and see which gifts have already been purchased. Add or delete items at will.

3Create a spreadsheet. Be sure to make enough columns so that you can easily keep track of all your wedding guests' addresses,acceptances and gifts.

4Fire off some thank-you notes.It's fine to keep them short just get those letters of gratitudein the mail!

5Get a gift. Start searching online for meaningful items togive your parents or attendants. Figure really pressed for time, youcan pay the few extra dollars to have them gift-wrapped.6Work on a wedding Web site. Upload a recent snapshot ofthe two of you, update the travel information for your out-of-townguests, or put together a list of local restaurants and attractionsyou recommend.

Dedicate a tidy corner of your home to wedding-planning activities. Lessen the chances of lost papers with a good filing system.

4 Get organizedAll those wedding details come with baggage: a huge pile of swatches, samples, contracts and clippings. So how do you keep track of the paper and paraphernalia? Most brides start with a binder or organizer of some sort, whether its one that's made specifically for planning a wedding, or a portable accordion file or three-ring binder withpockets where you can store the contracts, brochures, lists, magazine clippings and receipts. All you need is something that'll help you keep the essentials in one spot. Include the checklist on page 249, which will help ensure you don't miss a single detail. Of course, there are high-tech ways of staying organized. You can take digital pictures of sites or centerpiece options to store on your computer, construct spreadsheets to help you manage your guest list and use a PDA or computer to keep track of your to-do list. The key is to find a system that works for you' even if its just a few manila envelopesyou stuff with contracts and clippings. As long as you can find what you need, till work.

{expert tip}Envision the wedding as if you were attending it. Forget you're the bride and make sure you would enjoy every bit of the event as a guest.

'Marcy Blum, weddingconsultant, New York City

Cutting Your Guest List

As you devise your plans, try to figure out the magic number of guests you can invite, whether your budget, your preferencesor your site size sets the limit' then split that number as evenly as possible between you and your parents. But ifyou're way beyond the max, its time to trim out a few invitees. Hers how to make cuts as painlessly as possible.1Lose the and guests. Your singlepals can come solo unless they have serious beaus or fiancés.

2Avoid "chain" invitees. If youcant have your best book-clubpal there without the rest of thegirls, you may need to skip her.

3Keep it personal. Colleaguesand clients will understand ifyou say, "Were keeping it to familyand close friends only." That'll stillallow you to invite the work buddiesyou regularly hang out with on theweekends, without having to includethe entire accounting department.

4Reconsider the kids. Set alimit for your party' no one 12or under, or just first cousins orimmediate family members. If youdo decide to make exceptions foryour nieces and nephews orcousins, let the other parents onyour guest list know ahead of timewhere you've made the cutoff, sothey don't wonder why their kids areat home while others are hokey pokeyingon the dance floor.{modern bride wisdom}

If you still cant get your guest list under control, ask your parents and future in-laws to help youprioritize. After allotting each set an equal number of people to invite, have them rank their desiredinvitees in order of importance, with non-negotiables at the top. (You and your fiancé should dothe same.) Then compare all the lists to eliminate potential repeats, and start trimming an equalnumber from the lowest names on each list until you reach a workable number of guests.

Do You Need a Consultant?Wedding consultants and planners can be a real asset to your planning: They can brainstorm ideas and fix sticky situations, and they'll help you stay on schedule and on budget. You can hire a consultant to stay with you through the whole process, from choosing the site until after the final guest leaves, or just to help at keymoments: an advice session or two before you begin the planning or someone to come in only on the wedding day to make sure everything runs smoothly.But all this extra help can come at a price: Most consultants charge about 10 percent of the total wedding budget or a flat fee. Will it be worth it for you?Hers what to consider.PROS They've built relationships with the best vendors around,and they may be able to work out great deals for you.

If you're planning long distance, they can handle thedetails to help you minimize trips to the location.

On the wedding day, they can deal with any hiccupsso you can simply enjoy the day.

Consultants are organized and can help you keeptrack of your to-dos and payment schedules.

If you have tricky family issues' divorced parents,overbearing mothers' consultants can run interference.

CONS Their fees can take another bite out of youroverall wedding budget.

If you like to be really hands-on with every detail,you might have trouble giving up control.

If you find yourself at odds with their style or theirpersonality, working with your wedding planner may end up being frustrating at times.

Many consultants have long-standing relationshipswith certain vendors, and they may not be as open to trying out new talent.

Keep the Peace

AVOIDING CONFLICTS WITH YOUR RELATIVES'AND HIS

You've heard the old saying: A marriage combines more than two people' it combines two families. And for many to-be-weds, that means managing the requests and wishes of various family members while still having the wedding that they want. Hers how to keep everyone as happy as possible.Lay the ground rules ahead of time. Its important to discuss your wedding vision with both sets of parents before you make a single plan' or take a single cent of financial help. If your parents don't like your big-day plans or want more of a say in the details, you'll need to decide whets more important to you: the extra funding or the planning freedom.Keep everyone in the loop. Share the details of your big event as they are made, and consider inviting your parents (and his) along on some key excursions: the cake tasting, the final dress decision and other fun events.

Put Mom to work. If you're worried that your mom might be overbearing and try to choose everything from your reception site to your bouquet, give her something else to keep her occupied' the more time consuming and the less important to you, the better. If the two of you see eye to eye and work well together as a team, then approach tasks jointly.Pick your battles. Its hard not to get emotionally invested in every single detail of the wedding, but try to keep your perspective, and save the heated arguments for the things that really matter to you. If your dad wants to wear his gray suit instead of a tux, its probably less important than if he insists on having a church wedding and you want to have something more secular.Handle your own family. Don't butt in if your in-laws start insisting on extra guests above the limit' let your fiancé do the talking. (And you can handle your own mother's gripes about the band you and your groom chose.) Taking on your in-laws now will only start your relationship off on the wrong foot, and its much more difficult to recover from that than it will be for your mate to make up with his own family.

Q&AQMy fiancé and I want a short engagement period, but I'm worried we wont have enough time to plan our wedding. How should we handle this?AIf you want to get married within a few months, consider bringing in a wedding consultant to get things moving. As long as you're willing tocompromise (on short notice, your first choices might not be available), she can make it happen. If a consultant isn't in your budget, hers how to doit yourselves: Start by picking the date and securing the ceremony and reception sites. Opt for a locale that offerseverything (catering, floral decorations, cake bakers on premises, tables, chairs, tents, etc.). Next, line up the rest of your vendors (officiant, photographer,band or DJ and stationer). Ask for recommendations from recently married friends or from your site manager to cut down on the legwork. Once thevendors are secured, decide which other elements are most important to you and your guy. Devise your condensed wedding to-do list, plan weekly goals and, before you know it,your fabulous wedding will be here. Still not fast enough for the two of you? Then there's always Vegas, baby!

QMy fiancés family is much bigger than mine, and our guest list is really lopsided. How can we handle this?

AProblems with an uneven guest list often revolve around costs, specifically how much each family decides to kick in. Sometimes the family with the bigger guest list willoffer to make a larger contribution to the celebration, but that's not always the case. Avoid problems by making sure both sets of parents know in advance that the guest list will leanheavily toward one family. If your family is footing the entire bill, it might also help to point out that your fiancé cant do anything about the size of his family. The larger family shouldn't bepenalized with a smaller guest list. If both families are contributing, sit down with everyone involved (not necessarily at the same time) and come up with your total budget. This will guideyou toward deciding how many people you can actually accommodate. At this point, you may find that you simply cannot invite everyone in both families and its time to make the dreadedguest-list cuts. When you decide who's out (such as the and guest or children), make cuts across the board, not only to the larger family.

QShould we send out a weddingnewsletter to our guests?

ASure. A newsletter is a great way to keep everyone up-to-date on your wedding details. If you haven't already tucked this information in with your invites, you can include directionsto the ceremony and reception, along with attire suggestions. If you are planning some cool weekend activities like a pre-wedding pool party or a next-day brunch, explain this in your newsletter.Its also a great place to say, "This is how we met," with an abridged version of your love story. And consider adding a few spotlight bios and pictures of special guests (the friend who introducedyou to your fiancé, for example, or the guest who will be traveling the farthest distance). To distribute your newsletter, consider e-mailing it to avoid the expense of stamps, or creatinga Web page for guests to visit, which you can update regularly.

QShould we base our reception budget on the number of people we think will actually attend our wedding or the number of people we are inviting?

ATrying to predict your RSVPs is difficult. People you're certain wouldn't miss your big day for anything might have a scheduling conflict, andfolks you'd throw in the not-a-chance pile might surprise you and show up. If you base your budget on perfect attendance, you risk allocating too muchmoney for your reception (which is often calculated by a per-person cost). The safest bet is to assume 20 percent of your total guest count will have todecline. This means that any per-person costs should be calculated at 80 percent of your original guest count. However, if more than 80 percent ofyour invited guests end up RSVPing "yes," make sure you're prepared to pare down other wedding costs to cover it. For example, a rehearsal dinner at afancy restaurant could be changed to a less-expensive venue or the string quartet for your ceremony could be switched to the church organist.

QIm not very close to my aunts, uncles and first cousins. Do I have toinvite them to my wedding?

AMany of us have relatives we couldn't pick out of a lineup. However, before you scratch them off the list, talk to your parents. It might not matter to you that your aunts,uncles and cousins aren't there to watch you tie the knot, but it might matter to your folks. When divvying up the guest list, both sets of parents should get the same number ofinvites. If your parents want to use theirs to include these relatives, by all means let them' but if they start requesting additional invites to fit these folks, its time to switch to theA-list/B-list plan. Hers the plan in a nutshell: Your A-list should contain the people everyone agrees must be invited. Send invitations to them at least eight weeks before the big day.You will also have a B-list of guests (which can include relatives you're not close to) who will be invited only if an A-lister declines. Once you get an A-listers no, drop a B-listers invite inthe mail. This ensures you stick to your guest count. But remember, no B-list invite should go out any later than four weeks before your wedding day' you don't want anyone feelinglike an afterthought. In the end, if you just don't have room for these not-so close relatives, consider ordering some wedding announcements along withyour invitations. This way, people who didn't make the final cut still get to hear the news straight from you.

QMy mother lives in another state.What can she do to help me out?

AFor starters, she can help you search online for wedding vendors in your area. Once the invitations come in, ask her to assemble, address and mail them to the guests she invited (of course, this wont work if you're having your invitations calligraphed). Also, if the RSVPs are being returned to her address, she can relay the final guestcount and meal choices to the caterer. If she's crafty, put her in charge of the favors and out-of-town welcome baskets. Knowing that Mom is handling these time-consuming projects can putyour mind at ease. Finally, if you spot a must-have for your wedding day, ask her to look around in her area to do a little comparison shopping. We all know that moms always find the best deals.