Many Moms Battle Grandma Over Spoiled Kids

Aug. 12, 2003 -- When Karen Brokhultz brought her new baby home from the hospital, she was happy to have her own mother on hand to help out. But it didn't take much unsolicited advice from mom to change Brokhultz's mood for the worse.

"My mom thought she was helping me by staying with me after I got home from the hospital," Brokhultz recalled. "But I took a lot of her advice as criticism."

When Brokhultz, 37, of Brookeville, Md., shared her feelings with her 60-year-old mother, Donna Young, there were tears. But in the end, they reached an understanding.

"I took advice from my friends who said not to say anything unless the baby's life was in danger," Young said.

Their experience appears a common one for women of Brokhultz's age.

According to a BabyTalk magazine survey of nearly 22,000 mothers, while 83 percent completely trust their mothers with their own children, and 80 percent talk to or see their mom at least once a week, Gen X women are less welcoming of advice from baby boomer moms.

Two-thirds of those respondents said that they butted heads on occasion, and 13 percent of the respondents said they "fought" with their mothers.

Spoiling Is Top Annoyance

What rattles new moms the most when their moms are around?

Beyond disagreements over babies' eating and sleeping habits, about 70 percent of women said the biggest conflict of all was over spoiling. Offending grandmothers barrage children with gifts and allowed them to eat snacks and foods their mothers forbid, and to break house rules.

"The spoiling issue drove the mothers crazy, as did the punishment and discipline issue, which I think is related," said Susan Kane, editor-in-chief of BabyTalk. "It makes it tough for the mothers."

Kane says the current generation of grandmothers often worked as they raised kids, so now make up for lost time by lavishing their grandchildren with affection and attention.

But their own upbringing had a different impact on the mothers. "These mothers missed their own mothers being at home, and they think their own children should be raised the same way they were, without so much spoiling," Kane said.

Respecting Mom’s Authority

Kimberly Williams, a 35-year-old mother of two from Springfield, Mass., says she and her mother, Dora Robinson, don't argue about her kids, but they do have different ideas about what the children should be allowed to get away with.

Robinson, 52, says she feels bad for her grandchildren when Williams doesn't allow her to spoil them, but walks away instead of arguing. "My grandson looks sad when I try to give him a treat and his mom says 'No' and I look sad too."

Williams says she appreciates her mother's respect: "My mom respects that I am the mom — she respects my authority."

Not everyone mom minds grandmotherly excesses.

"I think it's a grandmother's job to spoil their grandchild," said one mom, Melissa Markowitz. "My mother has definitely spoiled Harley."

Array of Hot-Button Issues

After the spoiling issue, there were several other hot-button issues for mothers.

One-third of the moms responding to the BabyTalk survey said sleeping habits were an issue of dispute with the grandmothers.

For instance, 53 percent said their mothers didn't approve of the fact they slept with their babies. Another 44 percent said their moms think the baby should be on a stricter sleep schedule. And one-third were upset with the grandmother's encouragement to let babies "cry it out."

A quarter of moms also listed the babies' eating habits as a matter of dispute, including disagreements over when to start babies on solid foods. (Experts say 4 to 6 months old is the right time.)

Some 27 percent of moms disagreed with their moms over religious choices.

And 10 percent of moms clashed with their mothers over the decision to breast-feed, and over the issue of where it is appropriate to breast-feed.

Communication Is Key

Barbara Roldan and her mother, Maritza Perez, currently live together in the New York City borough of Brooklyn. They have always been very close, but they sometimes disagree on discipline for Roldan's 16-month-old daughter, Samantha.

Perez, 49, says her daughter is too lenient. "My granddaughter is adorable but like all children, they want to get their own way."

Roldan, 28, said she might have just let it go, but since she knew her own mother would be watching Samantha when she went back to work, Roldan felt they needed to be of one mind.

"I got angry, so I told her to get a grip," Perez said. "Then she walked out and said, 'I'm not saying anything anymore.' But basically, we've always had a close relationship and I told her how I felt about it."

Roldan and Perez said they try not to get mad when it comes to raising Samantha. "We just talk a lot," Perez said.

This type of communication was one of the revelations in the survey, Kane said.

"They are able to disagree on a number of issues, and really talk it out," she said. "They might not ever agree, but they can talk it out, and agree to disagree. It's the fact they talk it out that I find so impressive."

Kane believes that easy conversation is a tribute to the grandmothers, baby boomer women who were determined to have it all. As it turns out, the grandmothers apparently did a good job as mothers; the survey showed that 90 percent of mothers approved of how they were raised.

"They are daughters with self-esteem," Kane said. "They can speak up, and the grandmas can take it. And solutions come from that communication."