'Never Good Enough' for Mom and Dad

June 4, 2003 -- Sheri Petteys says her mother couldn't stop criticizing her — even on her deathbed.

The terminally ill woman, who was legally blind and could never realize her dream of being a nurse, had raised Petteys on her own after her husband died young, and hoped her daughter might fulfill the ambition denied her, Petteys said.

But that path never called to Petteys, and as her mother lay dying, the older woman found fault even in how Petteys handled the crank to adjust her bed, she said.

"She told the nurse I was doing it wrong," Petteys said, able to laugh, seven years after the fact, at that ultimate moment symbolizing years of her mother's disappointment.

"She had a very hard life," said the 42-year-old mother of two in Williamsburg, Va. "I think she was very frustrated."

It's a sort of frustration and disappointment that experts agree nearly all of us struggle with when parents' expectations don't match the reality of their offspring, and that disappointment can be a major problem, lingering even to the edge of death in Petteys' mother's case.

"I think part of it was she wanted what was best for me," said Petteys, who was one of scores of people who e-mailed their stories to ABCNEWS.com. "I think it's so hard for parents to separate guidance from shoving you into the slot [of their own ambitions]."

Healthy Expectations vs. Unrealistic Intrusions

Dealing with parents' disappointments is a nearly universal issue, says Susan Newman, a social psychologist and author of Nobody's Baby Now: Reinventing Your Adult Relationship With Your Mother and Father.

"We spend our lives trying to meet our parents' expectations, trying to make them happy," she said.

Expectations can range from the profound to the trivial. Parents may have issues with their children's career, marriage, city of residence, and decisions to have or not have children. They can also object to what clothes their adult children wear or the kind of cars they buy.

Parents only rarely decide they want to interfere or meddle in their adult children's lives, though, says Meri Wallace, the director of the Heights Center for Adult and Child Development in Brooklyn, N.Y., and author of Birth Order Blues.

"I think it is natural for parents to have expectations for their kids," she said. "We want our children to do well in life. We want them to succeed in school to have friends and be happy. It makes us feel like we've done a good job."

Best of Intentions

But those good intentions often lead to conflict, Wallace says.

"There are disappointments," she said. "It's inherent."

Parents typically want their children to succeed and it is normal and healthy for parents to have and communicate their hopes and expectations to their kids. But often there are other factors at work, many experts say.

Like with Petteys' mother, parents often project their own unrealized ambitions onto their children, says Roberta Maisel, a sociologist and author of All Grown Up: Living Happily Ever After With Your Adult Children.

Generational differences in values can also be a factor. A baby boom generation parent might question a daughter's decision to be a stay-at-home mother, just as her own parents might have objected to their daughter seeking a career.

Miscommunication between parents and children can also be a problem, says Maisel.

A son might mistakenly believe he has disappointed his father by not following in his career, she says, or a parent might question a career decision because she incorrectly thinks it is extremely risky.

Parents can also have trouble seeing their children as independent adults, instead of the young son or daughter they once were, she says. Or they may think their position as parent means the child should do as his parents want, even when he is an adult.

Wallace said a parent might feel, "I put in all this love and attention and money and time, and I expect you to treat me a certain way."

"Some parents never give up. They're going to be in there criticizing, judging till the bitter end," said Newman.

What Should Parents Do?

When dealing with an adult child's decisions, it can be hard to know when to speak out and when to keep quiet.

Some experts, like Maisel, say parents generally should not butt in.

"I believe that parents should not give unsolicited advice [to their adult children]," said Maisel.

She makes an exception in "life-and-death situations," such as drug addiction or mental illness.

"But most situations are not life and death — or even close," she said.

"The best principle is for the parent to ask the child if they need help … but even that is a little invasive," said Maisel.

Unwanted advice is unlikely to be heeded, she feels, and might bring out an adult child's rebellious streak.

"It may be exactly counterproductive," she said.

Newman advises parents to focus on their children's good qualities. "That should really compensate for what you perceive to be failure," she said.

But for parents, of course, it is often achingly difficult to see their adult children struggle.

Kristi, a mother in Atlanta who asked that her last name not be used, says her daughter wants to be treated like an adult but does not take responsibility for her actions.

"She thinks because she is 21 years old that this magically makes her an adult. Her problem is emotional immaturity," Kristi said. Her daughter lives at home and does not work or go to school, she said.

"She just does not want any responsibility. Now, she says she wants to go to a local school and get training for a skill. But, again, we as a family are concerned she will drop out and her family will be stuck with the bill."

What About the Kids’ Responsibilities?

For their part, adult children should make their own goals and ambitions clear, says Newman.

"The way to approach this is to either be very candid and open with your parents," she advised. "By approaching it directly you make it clear you can't live up to their expectations or you don't want to. You want to live your life differently."

Kristen Dickenson, a 32-year-old wife and mother with three kids in Germantown, Md., believes her parents see her in large part as a disappointment.

"My dad assumed I would go to college and graduate," she said.

Since she dropped out of college after two years, Dickenson believes her parents have not respected her ability to make her own decisions.

"They love me and we get along very well, but their reaction often leaves me feeling sad, nervous if I go through with something they are against, and sometimes even inadequate," she said.

Robert Argue, a 42-year-old in Bridgman, Mich., says he thinks some of his difficulties in finding a career path are due to his father's expectations for him. He says he is recently divorced, currently unemployed and studying to be a legal assistant.

"I spent most of my life trying NOT to be my Dad, without exploring what my interests and abilities are," Argue said in an e-mail interview.

Beyond Disappointment

Some parent-child conflict over goals and ambitions is normal, says Newman. But she says that is only part of the relationship.

"You're going to disappoint them in some areas, but they may be elated about another aspect of your life," she said. "But that's how life is, it's complicated."