Online Dating Services Offer Surprises

N E W   Y O R K, July 12, 2000 -- Jeffrey Horowitz, a 35-year-old attorney from Washington, D.C., thought anyone who joined an online dating service must be desperate and lacking the social skills it takes to meet someone “offline.”

But the lawyer and personal trainer kept hearing from friends that they were having somewhat pleasant experiences on dates arranged by these electronic matchmakers, a rather startling phenomenon given that dating can be grueling.

So Horowitz decided to check out Jdate.com, a Matchnet.com service geared to Jewish singles, where members fill out approximately 25 questions about their personality and their likes and dislikes, with subjects ranging from food preferences to favorite activities. Members also write statements about what they are looking for and things learned from past relationships.

“The women’s profiles seemed nice,” says Horowitz, who is seeking a relationship with a Jewish woman. “I was surprised. They were like me, educated.”

Horowitz’s trepidation and surprise is typical regarding either online dating services or personal ads. Although online romantic liaisons have been stigmatized due to highly publicized stories of seedy sexual relations between participants, hundreds of thousands of Americans nevertheless are taking their chance on love with these Web sites every day.

Looking for Love

Web analysts do not predict online dating services will become a major piece of the growing Internet economy. Still, between hard working single people having less time to meet each other and the divorce rate hovering at 50 percent, online service executives say they expect continued revenue. Stories of relationships and even marriage thanks to these Internet cupids keep hope alive for the unattached. (See sidebar for success story.)

Online dating options are varied. They range from services that connect people based upon similarities in questions they answered on a questionnaire, like what Match.com offers, to personal ads, where people write 50 to 100 words about themselves. Some services have software that will match prospective partners based on similar interests. Photographs often, but do not always, accompany, both types of offerings. The services charge a monthly fee of approximately $14.95 to $19.95.

The number of users during the past six months for both online personal ad sites or dating services indicates something electric is happening. Match.com and Matchmaker.com logged, respectively, 260,000 and 226,000 unique visitors in May, according to Media Metrix, a Web user analysis firm. Oneandonly.com, a personal ad service that merged with Match.com last year, had 1.3 million users in May compared to 813,000 in January. Matchnet.com scored below 200,000.

Users, on average, logged 215 minutes in May on Matchmaker.com, up from 139 minutes in January. Match.com averaged 29 minutes in May, up from 21 minutes in January.

The Pros and Cons Psychologists and users say the services have both benefits and problems. Kate Wachs, a Chicago-based psychologist who consults for AOL’s relationship section and who owns an introduction service, says online dating programs are an inexpensive and efficient way to meet people.

“Using these services can take the feeling of desperation away from someone who is recently single or has been getting discouraged by dating,” Wachs says. “You don’t have to feel that you must meet someone in a bar, laundry room or grocery store or at a local dance.

Wachs says dating is hard work and that online forums provide another way to meet people.

“It provided another option for me,” explains Stephen Burdman, 34, a stage director and art management consultant from New York City. “I have no problems meeting people in my business and since I have friends who got married from meeting someone so I thought I would try.” Burdman went on six dates from jdate.com, without much success, but would recommend it to others.

“The whole thing seems like a good way to meet people who share similar interests rather than meeting someone at a bar or a health club,” says Horowitz, “where you only really see what a person looks like not what they are really like.”

Romancer Beware

Wachs says to get the most out of these services you should be as honest as you can about your likes and dislikes assuming that the person you will meet will be truthful, too. Of course, people misrepresent their age, their income, their appearance and their intention.

People should be careful of online dating as they would typical dating, she says. If someone has made poor choices in the past, they probably will do so again. Wachs also recommends proceeding cautiously before giving out phone numbers or agreeing to meet.

It was chat rooms — another way people connect virtually — and an exchange of sadomasochistic e-mails that brought together Columbia University biology student Oliver Jovanovic and the woman he was convicted of raping four years ago. The New York State Court of Appeals overturned the conviction in December but the New York City District Attorney said last week he plans on retrying him. More recently, a Toronto man was charged with raping a woman he met on an online dating service in May.

With most services, prospective daters can keep their anonymity via e-mail forwarding services until both parties agree to lift the veil. Women should always take the phone number of the man first and not give out an address, Wachs says. She suggests a couple meet after a few e-mails and a phone conversation or two, and always in a public place or with friends.

E-mail Intimacies

Wachs feels romance hunters should limit their e-mails because some people will e-mail each other more frequently than they would use the phone. “It creates a false sense of intimacy,” says Wachs. “They think they are in love, but they have never met.”

Because of the anonymous nature of the e-mail interaction, people also start engaging in sexual banter too early in a relationship, she says. Wachs says sex is not the sort of the thing that most people engage in on first meeting offline, so she does not suggest it online. She recommends that couples, although each is different, wait a few months before having sex to ensure they really know each other. “If it’s too fast, people are acting too needy,” Wachs says. “It shows you’re filling a void, and anyone will do.”

Although the Web can bring the world together, Wachs says people should avoid long-distance love affairs. Many of these services have members throughout the world, although users can state geographic preferences. Long-distance e-mail relationships can seem very intense and romantic, but when people finally meet, it becomes hard to live up to the expectation.

Regardless of the potential pitfalls, many of which are the same as in offline dating, Wachs says people should enjoy themselves on a first date. “Think it will be fun and have no expectations, Wachs says. “You will be surprised how many nice people there are out there.”