Toll on Kids When Couples Fight

April 25, 2002 -- Almost every couple fights at some point — about anything from dirty dishes and socks left on the floor to bigger problems of trust and communication.

But some couples are almost constantly at each other's throats, with their marriage on the brink of divorce, as their kids witness yelling, name calling, unresolved disputes and lingering anger.

With five cameras and 300 hours of footage, Primetime took an unprecedented look into the inner world of two volatile American families, with parents who can't stop fighting, and the toll it takes on their children. The couples saw Primetime's cameras as an opportunity to take a closer look for themselves at what was really going on. Though the couples were allowed to turn off the cameras, they agreed to let them roll long enough to see the inner workings of their relationships.

The videotape, captured over 10 weeks, revealed the inner workings of marriages filled with tension, mistrust, accusations and shouting. Psychologists have long understood that parental fighting can be toxic to a child's emotional well-being. But new research goes further, suggesting the wounds are both psychic and physical.

The question we asked the experts: Should the couples split up or stay together for the sake of the kids?

Behind Closed Doors: The Hershbergers and The Moores

Les and Shannon Hershberger were high-school sweethearts who were pregnant with their oldest son before their senior prom. Now 33 and 32, respectively, they have been married for nine years and have three children.

"We're on shaky ground," said Shannon in an interview before the cameras were installed in their suburban San Diego home. "I think we're pretty close to divorcing."

Both recognize they may have gotten married too young, and they also struggle with issues of trust, communication, parenting, and the amount of time they spend together.

For Judy and Robert Moore, who live in a small railroad town outside Peoria, Ill. the fear of being alone is a primary reason they are staying together. "It's easier than being apart," said Judy, 42.

"We don't have much in common," said Robert, 46. "I don't even know if we like each other, to tell you the truth."

Both Judy and Robert have had previous marriages that ended in divorce, and they have a 3-year-old son, Jonathan. Though Robert has never physically abused his wife, he admits he has a quick temper.

Judy said she married Robert because she thought she loved him. Now, she would view divorce as a failure.

The hundreds of hours of footage showed how and why the couples fight. Primetime watched them yell at each other and use bad language in front of the kids. In some arguments, one had a tendency to flee rather than resolve things, either by leaving the room or focusing on the TV. They often didn't listen to each other, repeating their destructive patterns in argument after argument. There were signs of distrust, arguments rehashed, and potentially sweet moments that dissolved into bitterness. Both couples were often so absorbed in their own battles, that they often forgot their children were watching. There were also, however, some signs of tenderness and reconciliation.

How Children May Be Affected

While the couples decide whether to stay together or say goodbye, the children pay a price.

"The verbal conflict, day in and day out, and putting each other down and demeaning the other partner has a lot of negative impact on children," said Mona El-Sheikh, a psychology professor who studied children's physiological responses to marital conflict for a federally funded project.

Dr. Jonathan Stern, a psychologist in Manhattan who analyzed the video footage for Primetime, said children may believe they are the cause of what they see.

Rather than becoming desensitized to their screaming parents, the wounds of children who see and hear too much fighting deepen over time; there may be physical effects as well.

In a six-year study involving more than 2,000 families, El-Sheikh measured children's physical stress — responses parents may not see because they take place inside the body. When watching parents fight, the young subjects often had increased heart rates, faster breathing, and more sweat gland activity. Even when they became familiar with the fights, the child's level of stress did not diminish. When the parents made up, the lab levels returned to normal.

"Those children also get sick more frequently, tend to become more aggressive, have more depression and anxiety, and don't sleep as well as children from lower conflict homes," said El-Sheikh.

Witnessing the strife, said Stern, may also affect what kind of parents the children will become themselves. "This is the norm for them, and if it's the norm for them, it's going to be the norm for them when they are husbands and wives themselves," he said. "The anger is very toxic to these kids, to their self-confidence, to their ability to resolve conflicts in their own lives down the road," added Stern.

A Good Fight

Though children can be harmed by parental fighting, experts say that arguments — even a heated one — can teach them useful lessons if the fight has a positive resolution.

The key is resolution, which helps children feel secure that their families will stay intact and teaches them how to resolve differences when they are adults.

"Fighting can be really good for kids if it's productive fighting," said Stern. "If you have a couple who have conflicts, but model good conflict resolution skills — being able to put one's feelings aside … being able to compromise … that can be extremely helpful. Not only neutral, but helpful, to kids."

In real life, however, children often don't see or hear an argument's happy ending. But perhaps the Hershberger and Moore kids will be seeing more peacemaking. After watching themselves on tape, both the Hershbergers and the Moores decided they want their marriages to work.

"I've made a lot of mistakes, and I"ll probably make more, but I would like to make this marriage work. I really would," said Robert.

And Shannon and Les said they realized they were still in love.

"I feel it in my heart," said Shannon. Les answered, "I'm the same way."