When Stepfamilies Don't Mix
April 21, 2006 -- "The silence of being a stepfamily is deafening," one stepparent wrote in a letter to ABC News' "Primetime."
Click Here for a message from Kyle's mom about a college fund for Kyle.
With so many marriages ending in divorce, the number of people living in a stepfamily situation is steadily increasing. Yet many stepfamilies say there is little information available to help with the myriad problems that can tear them apart.
For a glimpse into blended families, "Primetime" found two families on the brink of implosion that allowed cameras inside their homes to document the problems and let experts try to help.
Not Quite Like the 'Brady Bunch'
"The Brady Bunch" may be the ideal blended family -- a single mom and dad with three kids each, all under one roof. The Brady family's little annoyances, however, were resolved by the end of the show with a hug and a smile.
Life's not quite like that for the Alsted family from Snohomish, Wash. Laurie has four children and has raised them alone for years. Tony has two kids from a previous marriage. When Laurie and Tony married, all of them moved into a new house.
Laurie and Tony thought they could handle it -- they are both highly regarded professionals. Laurie is a corporate marketing executive and Tony, a corporate project specialist. They are "problem-solvers," as Laurie puts it.
As the months went by, the family began to notice a tug-of-war over parenting styles.
Laurie is something of a "sergeant mommy."
"My house is my house," she said. "Organization, dinner time, respect rules. … And for me being a single parent for seven years, you know, it's like, 'This is when we're eating. Your clothes will be laid out before school.' Everything was so structured."
That is in direct conflict with Tony's easygoing approach to parenting. "I don't have any desire to lay out the kids' clothes or my clothes, for that matter, or every day we have dinner because life is dynamic," he said.
Laurie thought it was her job to get Tony's kids to accept her firm control. "When we blended families, that was my expectation … that everybody would pitch in," she said.
Dr. Patricia Papernow, author of "Becoming a Stepfamily," said that was a mistake. "Stepparents who try to step directly into a parenting role are going to be in trouble."
Sometimes Tony exploded on Laurie's kids. Both parents' first instinct was to protect their children, and that caused friction in their marriage.
When Laurie prepared a special dinner for Tony's kids, they didn't seem particularly grateful. Laurie felt hurt and took it out on Tony.
"Could you have at least said, 'How nice,' or 'The table looks nice'?" Laurie said. "No, can't say anything. Your kids said nothing."
Papernow says that kids rarely give back as much as you want them to, and they give even less because of stepparents.
Meanwhile, Tony said Laurie kept a constant list in her head of what he's doing wrong. "You know what? I'm done hearing what I don't do well," he said. "I'm doing the best I can with what I do."
Eventually, the family situation was in such a crisis that Tony and Laurie gave up their corporate jobs and started a photography business at home, hoping to find harmony.
Stepfamilies No Party for Girls, Especially
Studies show that stepfamilies are the most difficult for girls, especially those between the ages of 11 and 15 who have lived full time or part time with their fathers. Experts say the girls see the new mother as competition for their father's affection, and girls more often don't want their biological mothers replaced when it comes to nurturing and affection.
Tony's daughter, Amanda, who was 12 and 13 when "Primetime" filmed the family, wrestled with complicated feelings about her parents' marriage ending.
She felt as if she'd lost her dad to a woman with too many rules and demands. "I wish she had never met my dad," Amanda said of Laurie. "She doesn't deserve him. She's not good enough for him."
Experts say the stepmother is usually on the front line of these family wars.
Amanda said she purposely escalated the battle against her stepmom. "Sometimes when I got really mad at her, I would make up stories," she said.
Amanda said she would sometimes dig her fingernails into her arms to cause bruises and then blame Laurie for the injuries.
On Laurie's birthday, Amanda admitted to scratching out Laurie's face in a family photo -- which led to a physical confrontation that frightened the whole family.
Laurie and Amanda eventually worked out that battle, with Amanda apologizing and Laurie accepting it. She even told Amanda, "I know for sure that you're a good kid."
That didn't end the war, though. Things reached a breaking point when Amanda told her father she was moving back in with her mother. Tony and Laurie seem on the brink of breaking up.
'Normal Stepfamily Dynamics'
Tony and Laurie came to New York to watch the tapes of themselves and talk to Papernow about how to mend their relationship. The first positive thing they heard was that many of their problems seemed like "normal stepfamily dynamics."
Before things could be resolved with Amanda, Papernow said, Tony and Laurie needed to work on their own relationship -- and get beyond the endless cycles of accusation and response.
Papernow says if there is one supreme rule in relationships, it is that when you feel like criticizing or complaining, instead make a practical request for what you want -- whether it is more affection, more positive feedback, or more help around the house.
"As a grown-up, asking is actually a big power," Papernow said. "It's your most powerful move."
With Papernow's help, things gradually got better. With patience, experts say, stepfamilies can heal, and the majority of stepfamilies do well.
"When it works," Papernow said, "it's rich. It's exciting. It's interesting."