An Expert Answers Your Questions About Bullying

Sept. 14, 2006 — -- Elizabeth Englander, a professor of psychology and director of the Massachusettes Aggression Reduction Center at Bridgewater State College, works with students and school districts across Massachusetts to implement anti-violence and anti-bullying programs.

We asked people to submit questions to our Web site for Englander about cyberbullying and related topics. Below are selected questions and her answers.

Question: I have a nephew who is going through the same thing that Ryan Halligan went through -- it could be his own story. We are at a loss as to what to do about it. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. -- Susan Patton, Glenview, Ill.

Answer: I'm always saddened to hear that kids are suffering seriously because of bullying or cyberbullying, because there is so much we can all do to help reduce it. What I'm really wondering, though, is this: Is your nephew -- like Ryan -- very depressed and possibly suicidal?

If you think he is, or if you even suspect that he might be, it's extremely important that he gets medical help immediately. Serious depression is not something that "blows over" and professional help can make your nephew much safer. If your family doesn't know where to begin, start with your nephew's pediatrician or your family doctor. Both of these professionals routinely make referrals for depression -- it's an extremely common problem!

Now, how to address what your nephew is going through. First, there are guides for families and parents on our Web site -- www.bridgew.edu.marc --that you can download for free -- click on Downloads & Resources. These guides will help you understand what to focus on and what you can address.

Telling your nephew to abandon the electronic world is not likely to work, but helping him understand what's happening to him may make it less painful. Of course, to help him understand it, you need to understand it yourself, which is why we offer a guide for parents and families.

Concentrate some attention on your nephew. If crimes are being committed, report them to the police. If it affects school, involve the school officials. If it affects his mental health, get him counseling. Focus on him as a family, in a positive, supportive way. While all this can't cure true depression, it can help kids cope with a significant trauma like bullying or cyberbullying.

Finally, don't let anyone tell you that this is no big deal. Bullying and cyberbullying are real traumas. Children suffer, become depressed, and even attempt or commit suicide because of them at an alarming rate. Kudos to you for taking it seriously.

Question: As a professional educator, I am always looking for ways to involve the families in any type of anti-bullying program or discussion. The kids I work with are younger, but the attitudes are already developing. How can I bring the families onboard at this stage, especially those families whose students may already be showing worrisome behavior? -- Karen Christian, Stonington, Conn.

Answer: Communication between parents and schools is not always easy, but it's critical when it comes to combating bullying behaviors. Getting parents engaged in the issue of bullying can work, however.

At the Massachusetts Aggression Reduction Center, we offer educators lesson plans that can guide each student through a discussion with their parents about bullying. Making discussions about how we treat each other a regular part of the classroom environment will also filter back to parents.

Encourage your school or parent-teacher association to offer parents an educational evening program about bullying or cyberbullying, and consider less traditional alternatives, like addressing it during open houses or during student-parent before-school breakfasts.

Setting the stage right now in September can help classrooms achieve better climates as well. Do the parents in your district sign the student handbook each year? Some classes have students, as an exercise (and of course with teacher guidance), construct an anti-bullying contract that they then take home to their parents -- and every child and parent signs it together.

The trick is set clear expectations, clear rules, and keep the lines of communication open. Encourage children and their parents to discuss bullying on a regular basis. Good luck!

Question: Why aren't parents teaching their children, that is, why aren't they "modeling" independence from peer groups? It's very hard to be emotionally bullied when you honestly don't care what everyone else says. -- Lisa Miller, Sparks, Nev.

Answer: It seems to me that parents are entirely too concerned with what other people think, and are entirely too cowed by authority. They pass those traits on to their children, with painful and sometimes disastrous results.

While some concern about "what people think is normal, it's true that some children and their parents take such concerns too far. I don't think it's possible (or even desirable) to teach children to completely disregard what their peers think. The tendency to consider what our society thinks is probably a hard-wired characteristic, necessary for social survival.

But there are ways to consider when this is being taken too far, especially in the case of bullying. Some children will be abusive and bullying mainly as a way of getting the approval of their peers, and that clearly is behavior that has to stop.

Here's a question that parents can ask themselves: Is what my child wants reasonable? If your son wants to go to school with his shirt untucked, it's probably not worth a battle. But if what he or she wants to do is (a) dangerous; (b) illegal or against school rules; or (c) detrimental or hurtful to others, then the time has come to draw the line.

Children can be taught the "reasonable" rule, and it can help guide them in making these kinds of judgments. This is learned behavior, after all.

Finally, parents can definitely model this behavior by showing children when they do something because they feel it is the right thing to do -- even if it means incurring criticism.

Question: In your opinion, what is the connection between bullying and domestic violence? What can be the linear steps from childhood to adulthood that predispose one to be perpetrator or victim? Also, do you think there is a correlation between teen pregnancy/lack of abstinence and witnessing violence or being bullied as a child. Thank you in advance for your work in this important and interesting area.-- Gina, Draper, Utah.

Answer: Great questions! It would take a book to really answer all of them. You might be interested in reading "Understanding Violence," which is my book and just out in the third edition. It reviews all the causes of violence, aggression and bullying. But a quick-and-short answer would be that anything that increases stress--and domestic violence definitely increases stress--probably increases a person's tendency to be abusive or violent. Bullying is just another word for abuse.

Question: My daughter is not the focus of bullying, or being made fun of, she is very well liked & gets good grades, but ... watching others do this to kids who are just a little different, or who aren't "the popular kids" has severe affects to HER emotional well being. She gets so upset and angry about the way kids are hurtful and mean. She hates school because of this reason, and would choose to be homeschooled. She can understand how easy it would be for the kid who gets picked on to want to hurt themselves, or others, because of the awful and hurtful things people say to them. How can she help the underdog and stand-up to the mean kids to possibly make a difference, or will this just backfire on her, and make her be the focus?

We honestly talk about these issues almost every day. I am so thankful this issue is being talked about- it is a BIG problem with my daughter, and her emotions. Just imagine if she were the one hateful things were aimed at- she could be the next! Ryan Halligan. HOW SAD--we've got to help these kids- help us learn how- please! -- Robin Grover, Rowley, IA

Answer: Robin, you've brought up a very important issue that most people don't appreciate--namely, that bullying and peer-abuse affect all the kids in a school--not just the "victims." Children who go to schools with bullying spend a lot of mental energy coping with the fear and guilt that witnessing this behavior causes. Your daughter sounds to me like a healthy girl who is responding to a bad situation in a normal way. The ticket is to empower the kids in a school, so they feel less helpless and more able to address this problem. But asking children to stand up to bullying they witness is a very difficult suggestion--it takes a great deal of courage to stand up to a bully, even as an adult; imagine how hard children find it!

OK, so if standing up is too hard for a child, what else can they do? Talk with your daughter about other options. Can she just focus on helping the victim? Being a friend can be a powerful feeling. Can she discuss the situation with an adult in the school? If she can, that can begin the ball rolling to help alleviate the situation. Another idea is to have her begin a student group at her school that would work against bullying. In our program with schools (the Massachusetts Aggression Reduction Center) we teach teens to feel empowered by starting their own student-led, student-initiated programs to educate and raise awareness in their own peers. Teens are very eager to do this. Can you daughter speak to a guidance person or an administrator who could possibly help her start such a group? Sometimes the most effective education for kids can come from their own schoolmates -- not from adults.

Question: I am a counselor in a high school, and at this level students are often reluctant to report being harassed or bullied because they don't want to be seen as babyish or as a "snitch." What specific approaches do you suggest for working with this age group? -- Cynthia Schoch, LICSW, North Attleboro, Mass.

Answer: First, don't attack an ocean with a teaspoon. Social groups are very powerful during adolescence, and it's often hard for adults to remember how hard it is for students to go against the tide.

There are procedures that schools can use and can make sure students know about that can help this situation. For example, students should be able to report bullying to adults with the understanding that no immediate disciplinary action would be taken against the bully (provided, of course, that nothing illegal or dangerous is disclosed).

Here's an example of how this would work. Student A approaches a teacher and tells him/her that he doesn't like walking to the next class because he always has to go by Student B, who never fails to pick on him (for whatever reason). Student A is afraid that the adults will discipline student B, who then tells everyone that Student A is a snitch.

The way to encourage Student A to talk is to tell the Student A that you will try to alleviate the situation without necessarily taking any direct action against Student B. The teacher could, for example, make sure that teachers along the route Student A walks are alerted and are watching the hallways -- just enough to ensure that the kids feel watched and know the bullying won't happen.

Some schools also have policies that protect victims by not revealing to a disciplined student "who told." Other schools start student-run reporting programs, where a student can submit an anonymous report to a student committee. The report is then forwarded to school authorities. In England, some schools permit students to use anonymous Instant Messaging as a method of reporting, although the success of this approach has not yet been evaluated.

Obviously, preserving anonymity helps victims report bullying behavior but limits a school's ability to respond. My theory is that any response is better than nothing, since bullying and cyberbullying can be such dangerous behaviors for a school community and for children.