Texas creates a Bottom 10 role reversal with loss to Kansas
— -- The Bottom 10 Inspirational Thought of the Week:
Oh gently please,
Won't you take your time with me?
Oh gently please,
Stop talking 'bout dying like haven't tried it.
All the things, the things I thought I'd seen.
Sure didn't see that coming.
-- "Didn't See That Coming" Taking Back Sunday
Here at Bottom 10 headquarters, located along the shoreline of the reservoir where Tom Rinaldi collects our tears, our offices were empty over the weekend. Why? I was on the road in South Florida. Officially, I was there to cover the NASCAR season finale. Well, that's what I told my bosses so they'd pay for my plane ticket. In reality, I was there to sneak up to FI(not A)U. The Golden Panthers, having just hired new head coach Butch Davis, were hosting the Marshall Blundering Herd.
As I arrived, I'll admit that I was a bit nervous, and not just because of the tailgaters I saw trying to set a Port-a-John on fire. You see, both FIU and Marshall have been in the Bottom 10 this season. So, would I be greeted with a slap to the face? Two slaps to the face? Would I be thrown out of the press box? Would I be angrily driven out into the middle of the Everglades and dumped overboard where only David Caruso, with his Who soundtrack, might find me?
None of that happened. Instead, I was greeted with smiles. I even received one hug. The FIU athletic staff handed me a stat sheet and a free sandwich as a Marshall official said, "No, we don't like being on the list. We didn't see that coming this year. But when we get it turned around, you won't see us coming."
As we chatted, a TV was on in the corner. On it we saw ... wait. Was that? It couldn't be? ... Yes, Kansas was tearing down a goalpost! The Nayhawks, the odds-on favorite to win the Bottom 10 title with only two games remaining, had just beaten Texas for the first time since 1938.
Right on cue, an FIU employee spoke up. "I guarantee you no one saw that coming."
With apologies to Sonny Crockett and Steve Harvey, here's this week's Bottom 10.
1. Fres-no State (1-10)
The good news? Jeff Tedford already is hard at work to improve the program for 2017. The bad news? The Captain America super-soldier serum is still lost, so rebuilding might take a while. Saturday brings the Pillow Fight of the Week, as Rivalry Week brings us Fresno hosting San Jose State in the Mountain West Western Warfare, presented by HBO's "Westworld."
2. In a Rut-gers (2-9)
The Scarlet Knights have lost to Ohio State, Michigan, Michigan State and Penn State by a combined 224-0. This weekend brings a date with Maryland in the Big Ten Thanksgiving Go Sit At The Kid's Table Classic, presented by Lunchables.
3. Texas State Armadillos (2-8)
Fans of the Arma...er, Bobcats, are all like, "Yeah. OK, Rutgers. You got shut out four times. Whatever. Did you give up 50 to New Mexico State?" Then they drop the mic ? onto their toe and have to go to the Bobcats Stadium infirmary ... only to discover their entire defense is already there. This week Texas State University hosts the Artist Formerly Known as Troy State University in the TSUnami Classic presented by the 25th anniversary edition of Paramount Pictures' "Necessary Roughness."
4. Arizon-ugh (2-9)
In the Pac-12 Pillow Fight of the Year, the Wildcats fell to Ore-gone State, whose previous wins came versus Idaho State and Cal. On Friday night, Arizona hosts Arizona State in a matchup of the two worst teams in the Pac-12 South in the Stop Acting Like You Are So Much Better Than Us And Pay Us Some Attention Because You Would Be Nothing Without Us Classic presented by my ex-girlfriend.
5. Texas (5-6)
With Black Friday coming up, here's a handy gift idea for any Longhorns fans looking to get an early jump on their holiday shopping ...
6. UMess (2-9)
The Minutemen fell at BYU and never unpacked their bags, immediately jumping on a plane to face Hawaii in the Frequent Flier Miles Throwdown. The winner receives a tricorn hat decorated with tropical flowers and a box of Dramamine.
7. Buffalo Bills, er Bulls (2-9)
This week I filed a grievance with my bosses at ESPN asking why Buffalo didn't receive equal time during College GameDay's visit to Western Michigan. In return I received an interoffice mail packet filled with Rece Davis' snow-dampened desk papers. Speaking of slipping and falling on ice, the Bills, er, Bulls, will close their season with a trip to Bowling Green to close out the Bottom 10 gauntlet that has been the MAC East.
8. Kansas Nayhawks (2-9)
Kansas' reward for defeating Texas is a trip to Kansas State for the No Place Like Home Yellow Brick Crossroads Clash. The winners will receive ruby cleats and prior to the game K-State head coach Bill Snyder will share his memories of dating Judy Garland in high school.
9. EC-Yew (3-8)
The Pirates started the season 2-0 with wins over Western Carolina and NC State. They are 1-8 since. Now they end their shockingly disappointing year at Temple in the Battle of I-95 presented the ACME Orange Road Barrel Corporation. Tradition states that if Temple loses it must change its mascot from an owl to a parrot until next season. If ECU loses then Pee Dee the Pirate must wear a stuffed owl on his shoulder until next fall.
10. UTEP Minors (3-8)
Three weeks ago FAU and Rice were ranked 1-2 in the Bottom 10. In the past two weeks UTEP has lost to them both. This weekend Texas El Paso hosts North Texas in the We're Both Pretty Bad But Hey Look So Is Texas Bowl, sponsored by the Mack Brown Foundation. The original plan was to award the winner a miner's pick axe in the spirit of other axe-wielding rivalries such as Stanford-Cal and Minnesota-Wisconsin. Unfortunately Paydirt Pete accidentally stuck it into Scrappy the Eagle's claw. So instead the winner will receive Charlie Strong's personal effects once they are cleared out of his office in Austin.
Waiting list: Rice (3-8), FA(not I)U (3-8), Marshall Blundering Herd (3-8), State of Kent (3-8), Bowling Green (3-8), Pur-don't (3-8), UV-ugh (2-9), telling everyone you've fired the coach except for the coach you are firing.