How to Talk to Your Kids in the Digital Age

Feb. 28, 2006 -- -- Theresa Keane is a single mom who works 40-plus hours a week in a job that makes it tough to call her kids. To stay in touch with her 15-year-old daughter, Lizzy, Theresa will do whatever it takes, like taking a picture of a Dr Pepper can and sending it to Lizzy's cell phone.

"My mom will check in with me when I'm at school, on the bus, whenever," Lizzy said.

Using the image and text-messaging capabilities on their cell phones, Theresa and Lizzy "text" each other three or four times each day. "I text my mom if I'm bored or need to deal with logistics like, 'When are you picking me up? Can I go to a movie?' Stuff like that," Lizzy said.

The two keep an open line of communication throughout the day, and both mother and daughter say it has made their relationship stronger.

An Extra-Long Umbilical Cord

"It's like an extra-long umbilical cord," Theresa said. She sees the advent of computer-based instant-messaging programs, cell phones and text messaging as ways to get immediate "mommy gratification."

Theresa explains that when she gets a "guilty, worried, 'I want to talk to my kid' feeling," she sends a text message to Lizzy. Her daughter's return text gives Theresa a shot of instant gratification, reassuring her that everything is status quo.

But for many parents, learning to communicate with teens via cell phone text or instant-messaging programs is akin to learning a new language. Some parents even see e-mailing their kids as foreign and impersonal, so the switch to technologies like IM or instant messaging and texting is an even bigger leap.

But for today's 12- to 18-year-olds, it's all about these new short-format communications. According to the Pew Internet Life Study on Teens and Technology published in June 2005, 75 percent of teens are online, a whopping 66 percent of teens use instant messaging, and 33 percent of teens use cell phone-based text messaging.

E-mail Is for 'Old People'

In focus groups for the Pew study, teens described e-mail as a way to "talk to old people," communicate with institutions like schools and businesses, or disseminate information to a large group of people at once. For teens, instant messaging and texting are much more casual ways to communicate, and they do it a lot.

Lizzy once racked up 3,000 texts in a single month. Most messages to friends consist of the banal: "What are you doing?" "Can you believe she did that," "Your jeans are cute." Banter that exists for every generation of teens. But for many, the technology has replaced note-passing in school. It's a way to kill time on the bus, and they can multitask while instant messaging or texting.

When it comes to multitasking, this generation of teenagers is good at it. Headphones and an iPod are new versions of privacy: When listening to music, teens read, text, IM or do homework. Many students keep an instant-messaging window open while they do their school assignments on the computer. Sure, they gossip and rant in between spurts of productivity, but the technology can be a learning aid.

Instant Messaging: Good for Homework?

Shelley Goldman, a professor of education at Stanford and the director of the university's learning, design and technology department, said instant messaging could actually help kids with learning, or at least make them happier while they did it.

"I was able to observe my daughter over her last two years of high school as she did homework, and I was impressed with her agility in holding several conversations while chipping away at her work," Goldman said. "It may have taken her longer to do her work, but she was a lot happier doing it while connected."

As for the educational benefits, Goldman, who is a proponent of educational collaboration, said she saw students learning together with her daughter's use of instant messaging.

"She and a few others started a political journal that was published monthly," Goldman said. "IM [instant messaging] was the preferred mode of communication among the staff, and was the source for discourse around the pieces being written and edited. They often were doing unrelated homework, writing, editing, checking accuracy, and [using IM] to argue about the political stances taken in the pieces."

Goldman says, on the whole, instant messaging is a positive tool for learning, but moderation is key.

One trick for parents trying to help their children use instant messaging wisely is to have them change their IM status to "busy," telling online friends that they have to get homework done.

Remember that these are teenagers and using good judgment with communication technologies may be a learning process. Theresa Keane and her daughter have had bouts where Lizzy's cell phone was "grounded," meaning it lived in Theresa's purse for two weeks.

Tips for Communicating With Teens Using Text and IM

Not all instant-messaging programs can talk to each other. Find out your kid's screen names and what IM programs he or she uses, then sign up for your own account.

Texting and instant messaging are casual, brief exchanges. There's no rudeness perceived with brevity. Keep it short and simple. Instant-messaging and text programs have limits to the length of each message. AOL's Instant Messenger, for example, has a limit of 512 characters (79 words) per entry. Cell phone text messaging is even shorter. AT&T Wireless has a limit of 160 characters per message.

If you are at work and want to text message your teen's cell phone, there are Internet-based tools that allow you to send and receive texts over your computer. Your kid's phone receives the message, and you can type using a regular keyboard -- no tedious and obvious thumb-typing on your phone.

Have fun! One of the things kids like best about instant messaging and texting is that they are ways to digitally connect with someone. The easiest means of connecting is to tease, joke and share emotions. Remember Theresa texting Lizzy a picture of a Dr Pepper can? It was a fun and creative way to say, "I'm bored," an emotion teens relate to in spades.

Don't be intimidated by all the acronyms like TTYL: Talk to You Later, or POTS: Parents Over the Shoulder, or PRW: Parents Are Watching.

Each group of friends creates a lexicon of terms -- ask what they mean and then create some of your own. With cell phone texting, the difficulty of thumb-typing and character-count restrictions force people to abbreviate wildly. Think of texting abbreviations as vanity license plates on the fly.

While both girls and boys use text and instant messaging, some teens (especially boys) are seriously into gaming. Gaming with your kids may take some time to get used to, but it can be addictive, especially if you play in online multiplayer environments. In these online environments, combatants often chat or talk over the Internet using headsets. If you can learn to lovingly trash talk with your kid, it's a good sign that your relationship is evolving.

Lastly, nothing in this article replaces the huge job that is parenting. I could include all the common-sense precautions about kids on the Internet, having rules and guidelines about homework, friends and curfews, and the value of talking with your children face-to-face, but you've heard all the scary stuff before. This article is meant to help you connect with your kid using technology. The bottom line is that technology can help to keep a dialogue open with your teen, and on that front, parents need all the help they can get.