The Web's Womanly Advice

Jan. 2, 2001 -- Here's what this is not: It's not another end-of-the-year, look-where-we've been, 2001-was-a-very-bad-year column.

It's not the musings of a smirky journalist (OK, so I'm definitely smirky, but this hardly could be called musings) telling you what you already know: 2001 was one for the record books, and not in any way we'd care to repeat.

You can get that someplace else. Most every place else, in fact. So you're not going to get it here.

(You're welcome.)

Instead, here you're going to get good things. You know: Good Things. Like evergreen bobeches. Cranberry flower frogs. And easy napkin folds.

You're going to get tips on how to be a holiday hottie; how to brighten your home with do-it-yourself potpourri even while you're feeling spiritually uplifted and emotionally in charge; how to dress thin (it's all about tulip skirts; who would have guessed?); and how to resolve — in 50 different ways — to make him happier.

In fact, you're going to get the best advice on being a woman the Internet has to offer — straight to you from the biggest women's sites on the Web.

Donna and Laura, Meet Martha and Oprah

All right, so first a few true confessions: I wouldn't know an evergreen bobeche (is that the singular for bobeches?) if it wrapped itself around my head. I am particularly averse to frogs, cranberry or otherwise. And there is no easy way to fold a paper napkin into anything but a triangle.

That much I know.

I also know this: Bobeches, etc., are the cultural trappings of femininity that simply refuse to go away and leave us alone. Betty Friedan was documenting — and despairing over — them in the 1950s, when Donna Reed and Laura Petrie were the media icons of womanhood. Today, decades later, we've replaced Donna and Laura with Martha and Oprah. But the message is the same.

Well, almost.

As we head into 2002, we're still supposed to be thin, beautiful, domestic doyennes who smell good, fold a fancy napkin, anchor our bouquets with cranberry flower frogs, and whip up an evergreen bobeche like it's something a normal person would do.

But we've also been Oprah-ized. Which means we're supposed to feel spiritually grounded, emotionally fulfilled, and personally reaffirmed while we're at it.

Web Women

We're talking perfection-plus, and it's a common theme all over the Web.

iVillage.com — the motherlode of all women's sites — wants us to relax in our in-home spa, seduce our mates, lose those holiday pounds, and, in the meantime, look thinner than we are. "You're in dangerous territory when a skirt is so short that it looks more square than rectangular," its dress-thinner expert warns. "Although A-line skirts can help conceal bulges, they are style risks since they can come across as dull and matronly. Consider trumpet skirts instead."

It's an easy transition from trumpet skirts and style risks to MarthaStewart.com, a world in which women (undoubtedly looking thinner than they are) are enthralled by the challenges of flower arranging and napkin folding.

"Fold the napkin in half diagonally to form a triangle; iron flat," Martha instructs us. "Fold the point opposite the crease to the middle of the crease, and iron. Fold into thirds lengthwise, ironing creases along both folds … begin rolling napkin up from this end, keeping the tuft exposed."

Could I have made this up?

Oprah expects more from us than exposed tufts: She wants cheerful, happy homemakers, women who can whip up a do-it-yourself potpourri — and feel good and strong and truthful about themselves while they're doing it. This week on Oprah.com, Dr. Phil's "Get Real Challenge" reduces life to 20 online exercises (who do you trust? what do you want? when have you been hurt?), including real-life profiles of real-life people exposing their intimate issues in cringe-worthy detail.

Oprah.com is Martha-Stewart-gone-spiritual, a quick fix-'er-upper for your mental, physical and emotional anguish. Your life may not change much, but at least you'll feel enthusiastic about the mess.

And if Oprah wants to cure your spirit, women.com is all about fixing your physique. This week, you'll get detailed instructions on becoming a holiday hottie, including lessons in chic — like your underwear shouldn't show (this is now so open to debate that we need a rule?), your clothes should be a half-size too big, and my favorite of all: "You don't have to be a WASP to be chic, you just have to iron like one."

Martha couldn't have said it better herself.

Considering Trumpet Skirts

All this "how to be a woman" advice is supposed to prod us into producing a self-improvement plan. It worked. In keeping with my decision to be more a more self-realized woman during 2002, here are my New Year's resolutions:

I will not consider trumpet skirts. Not now. Not ever.I will not make potpourri, flower frogs, or bobeches. And if I ever find someone who does, I will suggest she might consider doing some volunteer work at her local soup kitchen.I will not iron. Like a WASP or anybody else.I will never take advice from someone who calls himself Dr. Phil.

And finally,

I will never again log on to one of the women's sites on the Web to be told that I should do any of the above.

There. I feel strong, self-directed, empowered. Oprah would be so proud.

A teacher and a journalist, Dianne Lynch is the author of Virtual Ethics.